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   [ 6 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 A Step Forward
regular_contributor

Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:48 pm
Posts: 4731
Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:44 pm
I had to change some names of places because it's confidential and not allowed...but...I like this even though it's from this school year's October (which means it's pretty bad for me)...please read the whole thing even though it may seem long...
 

 "A Step Forward"         

 

“You may kiss the bride,” the pastor stated smiling as he did so. Tears almost streaming down my face, I imagined the day when we had gotten a foretaste of this day at my seasonal campground. “Last night, Matt asked Lori to marry him last night and…” my mom paused and we all held our breath, “She said yes!” Haley, Hannah and I started jumping up and down repeating“Oh my Gosh! Lori’s getting married!” My daydream ended. I gazed around the church, my newly curled hair the color of a penny bouncing with it.  “North Presbyterian Church,” I thought, “It’s Wonderful! I mean the stained glass.  Wow!”  The stained glass window glowed behind the altar and filled the room with beautiful, vibrant colors on the autumn day last year.  I exchanged my weight from foot to foot.  I didn’t like having to stand as a Junior Bridesmaid, and having to sing soon made me really nervous.  I felt at awe when my gaze fell to the bride, my Aunt.  Again, my thoughts betrayed my attentiveness.  She’s so beautiful! And she could always pass as my second mother.  We shared the same “chocolate smiley eyes” and the same “stunning” smile! Unlike me though, she had thick naturally curly dark brown hair, a grumpy face (but boy when she smiled, which happened often, it spread through the whole room), and the best attitude toward anything (basically)! She lived with me since birth, and now she would be different.  I’d miss her…I came back to earth.  ”Together forever,” I thought as the tall, balding groom and the short, may I mention gorgeous, bride’s lips locked.  I glanced away from the long kiss.  Finally, after what felt like an hour, they let go of each other.  My stomach lurched because I had just remembered I had to sing.  As I paced myself forward to the microphone, I felt my nerves creep over me like spiders, so I choked on my own breath.  The piano started playing the familiar tune of “You Raise Me Up.”  I felt ashamed for choosing to sing, so I stared at the microphone, not daring to look up.  Hannah started singing her solo, and I could feel myself shaking.  I tried to calm myself down by taking a huge breath in, but it only made the matters worse.  Hannah ended, and I sang, “When troubles come and my heart burden be.”  My voice sounded hoarse! Suddenly, my face matched my red hair.  I cleared my throat hoping for the best and sung the chorus with Kelly and Hannah.  My heartbeat got faster by the minute because my second solo meant my second chance.  I concentrated hard on my breathing just as Hannah started her solo.  I looked up.  I don’t know why, but that still doesn’t change the expression on everyone’s face.  Everyone smiled! Tears streamed down some, but tears of joy! I remember one person smiling in particular.  A short, plump lady with short strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes with round glasses, and a wrinkled face:  my cousins call her grandma. I don’t know how, but she made everything better.  Maybe her smile did it.  But anyhow, love overpowered my nerves.  I belted the rest of the song, including my solo, with all my heart and without mistakes.  Perfect.  The wedding ended after a few words from the pastor.  As we walked out, my aunt juggled, my new uncle pointed a wand at everyone, and the wedding party threw confetti (because my aunt is really a kid at heart).  Everyone had a blast! But I had gained more than an uncle that day; I gained “a step forward.”  When I walked back from my solo, a new pride started germinating inside me: almost like courage.  Since I looked up, I realized people actually enjoy my singing! I lost part of my stage fright and began to act- my favorite thing in the world.




 Re: A Step Forward
regular_contributor

Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:48 pm
Posts: 4731
Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:38 am

This should be easier to read...sorry about the small font...

 

“You may kiss the bride,” the pastor stated smiling as he did so. Tears almost streaming down my face, I imagined the day when we had gotten a foretaste of this day at my seasonal campground. “Last night, Matt asked Lori to marry him last night and…” my mom paused and we all held our breath, “She said yes!” Haley, Hannah and I started jumping up and down repeating“Oh my Gosh! Lori’s getting married!” My daydream ended. I gazed around the church, my newly curled hair the color of a penny bouncing with it.  “North Presbyterian Church,” I thought, “It’s Wonderful! I mean the stained glass.  Wow!”  The stained glass window glowed behind the altar and filled the room with beautiful, vibrant colors on the autumn day last year.  I exchanged my weight from foot to foot.  I didn’t like having to stand as a Junior Bridesmaid, and having to sing soon made me really nervous.  I felt at awe when my gaze fell to the bride, my Aunt.  Again, my thoughts betrayed my attentiveness.  She’s so beautiful! And she could always pass as my second mother.  We shared the same “chocolate smiley eyes” and the same “stunning” smile! Unlike me though, she had thick naturally curly dark brown hair, a grumpy face (but boy when she smiled, which happened often, it spread through the whole room), and the best attitude toward anything (basically)! She lived with me since birth, and now she would be different.  I’d miss her…I came back to earth.  ”Together forever,” I thought as the tall, balding groom and the short, may I mention gorgeous, bride’s lips locked.  I glanced away from the long kiss.  Finally, after what felt like an hour, they let go of each other.  My stomach lurched because I had just remembered I had to sing.  As I paced myself forward to the microphone, I felt my nerves creep over me like spiders, so I choked on my own breath.  The piano started playing the familiar tune of “You Raise Me Up.”  I felt ashamed for choosing to sing, so I stared at the microphone, not daring to look up.  Hannah started singing her solo, and I could feel myself shaking.  I tried to calm myself down by taking a huge breath in, but it only made the matters worse.  Hannah ended, and I sang, “When troubles come and my heart burden be.”  My voice sounded hoarse! Suddenly, my face matched my red hair.  I cleared my throat hoping for the best and sung the chorus with Kelly and Hannah.  My heartbeat got faster by the minute because my second solo meant my second chance.  I concentrated hard on my breathing just as Hannah started her solo.  I looked up.  I don’t know why, but that still doesn’t change the expression on everyone’s face.  Everyone smiled! Tears streamed down some, but tears of joy! I remember one person smiling in particular.  A short, plump lady with short strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes with round glasses, and a wrinkled face:  my cousins call her grandma. I don’t know how, but she made everything better.  Maybe her smile did it.  But anyhow, love overpowered my nerves.  I belted the rest of the song, including my solo, with all my heart and without mistakes.  Perfect.  The wedding ended after a few words from the pastor.  As we walked out, my aunt juggled, my new uncle pointed a wand at everyone, and the wedding party threw confetti (because my aunt is really a kid at heart).  Everyone had a blast! But I had gained more than an uncle that day; I gained “a step forward.”  When I walked back from my solo, a new pride started germinating inside me: almost like courage.  Since I looked up, I realized people actually enjoy my singing! I lost part of my stage fright and began to act- my favorite thing in the world.




 Re: A Step Forward
frequent_contributor

Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 7216
Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:27 pm
That's really amazing! I love it! :smileyvery-happy:
 
 
_cavyheart_
 
"This is where I write down my thoughts,
The diary of my head...!"



 Re: A Step Forward
special_guest

Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:42 pm
Posts: 478
Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:53 pm
Dear Winky,

Thanks for posting this memoir! Great descriptions of people, feelings, and your own thoughts. I have a question - for most of the memoir, you focus on the wedding. But the title and conclusion imply that it's primarily about you overcoming your stage fright. If that's the point of the memoir, try expanding that theme instead of introducing it and then ending it. But it seems to me that the memoir is really about the wedding. If you want to talk about what getting over your stage fright did for you in the future, you'll probably want to do it in another memoir, or at least by expanding the focus of this one.

"Stated" is always a tricky synonym for "said" in dialogue. It's kind of emotionless, like something a lawyer would do while presenting a case. How about having the pastor declare "You may kiss the bride"?

It's a little hard to read it all in one paragraph. Try breaking up the memoir into smaller paragraphs, especially with the dialogue. Start a new paragraph each time someone new speaks (or thinks).

Try "newly curled, penny-colored hair" - it's a bit less cumbersome. And "at awe" should just be "awed." Instead of "Again, my thoughts betrayed my attentiveness," try, "Again, my attention wandered."

Good work with this; keep writing and posting!
Jessica



 Re: A Step Forward
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:40 am
Posts: 424
Fri Aug 14, 2009 10:42 am
dear jessica,
 
 
do you mind reading my sotry on the novel boards? there is multiple chapters. all the chapters has no place like home at the end. those are mine. thanks.
 
 

LIVELAUGHLOVE<3




 Re: A Step Forward
contributor

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:05 pm
Posts: 858
Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:32 pm
It's so purdy!



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