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 Awaken- Chapter one

Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:43 pm
Posts: 23
Sat May 31, 2014 9:34 pm

I remember the day I'd arrived there, at the gates. The white gates towered over me like skyscrapers on a pigeon but I didnt back away. I had never experienced fear, beng a miscarrige I'd never exerienced anything. So there I stood, alone, in a fifteen year old body. Not understanding a single thing.


I waited for the gates to open, and there before me stood an elderly man at a podium which looked quite odd to me. He reached out his shaky hand and motioned for me to come, when I did he turned to his podium and picked up thick sheet of paper which had appeared out of thin air. He nodded at the sheet "A miscarrige you were?" he half-asked half-told,  I stared, not comprehending any of his words, this made him hake with laughter "here" He pulled out a glass bottle from his long white robe,without another word he popped of its cork and threw its liquid contents into the air.


Suddenly, I understood everything around me, I was fifteen, really fifteen! I was walking -on clouds! I was so excited I could barely breath! "I have implanted fifteen years  worth of knowledge into your brain" he smiled then consulted his paper, "You have been given memories of the life you would've lived" I tried to remember; to see what would have happened to me in life but the whole thing was a giddy mess. "This is what has happened to you so far-"


                                    TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

 Re: Awaken- Chapter one

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Tue Jun 17, 2014 3:15 am

Okay, in order to make the chapters an appropriate length, and because it's more natural for the story, you should probably combine this, and maybe the next chapter too, into the prologue.

If you go back to my critique on the prologue, you can see some of the ways you can tighten this prose to make it sound better. Try reading it aloud! That should help you hear how to make it more natural. Honestly, you're clearly working very hard on it, so I believe over time you'll be able to get it right.

Also, "miscarriage" is spelled thus, and "hack" is spelled like this. smiley

This continues to be really interesting. Oh, also, because I couldn't answer your poll, of all those names, I liked Shea the best. But I think you might be able to come up with something even better if you think some more. smiley

Good luck!


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