Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 1 post ] Average score:  
Author Message
 BOXES
new

Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:27 am
Posts: 8
Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:15 pm

 


Hope you like it, you may notice my main writing problem is keeping in past or present tense.

You can’t do this. Please”, my mom wailed. “What you’re doing is not right!” Her eyes showed the most pain…desperate.

She protested to the police as they took her and my father away. And there I sat with the side of my head placed on the window, looking desperate and lonely. Almost afraid, but I would never admit it. Never do I try to be afraid, never do I want to be afraid, most importantly, I never say I’m afraid. My parents have been telling me that ever since I was born, 12 years ago.

I slowly walked outside, not wanting the minute to go any faster. I had to say goodbye to my parents…this was going to be the last time I ever see them. I hugged them as hard as I ever could. I felt my dad’s heartbeat pound against his chest at lightning speed. Yet his face showed no expression.

Suddenly my dad slipped an odd looking devise in my pocket.

“Never show this to anyone. No matter what,” he whispered.

         And before I knew it, they were gone.

Don’t cry Destin, don’t cry, I said to myself, trying to feel encouraged.

You see, there’s this thing in my country called boxes. Other nations might call them video cameras or spy cams, maybe a security or a nanny camera. Boxes are put in every corner of your house, every side of your car. They’re on every tree and every traffic light. These devices cover the whole country. There is no spot where you can have any privacy at all. Police keep watch over the cameras, all day and all night. Boxes are what got my parents arrested. They tried to hack the system and turn the video off.

I looked at the object that my dad gave me. It was blue and silver. But it seemed worthless. I wasn’t in the mood for anything right now. I forced my hand to drop it. The device slid right under the couch. But what did I care?

5 years later

“What?! No way! I’ve grown up in this house, I’ve lived here my whole life”, I told my Aunt Willow “That’s so unfair! Do we have to move? Uncle Wire could find another stupid job when I have my own place!”

This may be the worst day of my life. Moving! And she didn’t even tell me until it was moving day. Kingston is 2 hours away from Westville.

“You’ve changed...” said my Aunt Allie, “You were always so adventurous before you par…”

“I told you to never talk about them,” I screamed.

“Well I am,” Willow’s voice soon seemed to calm down, “you look just like your mother.

“What does this even have to do with moving,” I complained.

“Destin take a chance,” she said.

“Well my parents took a chance and look what happened to them. They are died, okay! The police killed them cause they took a chance…because of boxes,” I started to choke up.

“Shhh,” Aunt Willow said. She looked up at the corner of the room, my eyes followed. There, watching us, was a box. “They are seeing everything we say and do.”

“I know!”

I hated those stupid boxes. They invade privacy. Over 1,000 people go to jail a day from careless things that don’t even affect the country, all caught on the eye of a box.

         “Can you help me move the couch to the moving van,” Willow asked.

I helped, but just because I knew she would make me anyway. We lifted it up and started to walk towards the door. Then I tripped on the most odd object that was blue and silver. I picked it up and heard a gasp from my aunt as she stiffened. She looked paralyzed.

“What,” I asked.

“Put that in your pocket right now,” she whispered, as she reached her hand out.

“How come?”

“Do what I said.”

“Fine,” I said with a grudge.

Aunt Willow looked up at the box. I don’t understand why she’s always so cautious about those cameras. But that’s the thing about our country. We just have to be cautious. And that gadget, it looks so familiar. What was it? I was just about to ask Willow when we heard men stomping to the porch. Surely something was wrong. They started to knock down the door. This could only mean one thing… the police were after us. But how come?

My heart beat gained speed and I fidgeted with my fingers, which is what I always do when I’m nervous.

Aunt Willow started to speak, she looked scared. “Run Destin, take the panel with you--I mean, the thing that you found under the couch, don’t show it to anyone, no matter what.”

I ran as fast as I could to the back porch and then into the tangled forest. Those last few words that my aunt said, that sounded so familiar also. So many questions filled my mind. What was I running from? What was Aunt Willow                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         thinking? What are the police going to do to her? Suddenly I felt bad for the fight that we had. Then, I heard a loud scream coming from the house. I looked back, and the house was on fire.

 

Chapter 2

What just happened? Do I go back? Willow could still be in the house alive, I just had to see.

My knees wobbled when I started back. I was afraid… I was afraid.

Once I was near my home, I stood behind a tree and peered over to see what was happening. Police guarded all sides of the house as the fire burned it.

I gulped.

There’s no way to get to my aunt… If she’s even alive—no! I had to get it into my head that she was dead.

I stepped away from tree, but I fell over one of its roots.

The police turned their heads to the sound, like a dog when they see a squirrel.

For a second I didn’t move. I was paralyzed with terror. Their eyes stung mine. But I managed to get up and sprint through the maze of trees, with three police close behind me with arrows in their hands.

         I knew that they’d be looking for the panel. I couldn’t give it to them. I made sure it was secure in my pocket.

         The men were definitely gaining on me. My eyes searched behind me to find an arrow flying towards me. I pounced to the other side, but I wasn’t quite fast enough. The arrow dug into my leg and pain struck over me. I moaned and cried but tried to run until my body collapsed on the earth’s floor. I looked over at my leg, blood was gushing everywhere.

         “Finish her,” said a man from the government.

         “She’s almost a goner, let’s just get the panel and leave,” protested another.

         “What if she isn’t about to die, then what,” he said back.

         “Look at her,” and without another word, he reached his hand into my pocket and retrieved the panel. Then I remembered my aunt’s last words, ‘never show this to anybody, no matter what’… that… that was also my father’s words!

         Without hesitation, I grabbed the panel from the man and ran, ignoring the pain.

         Another arrow sliced open my skin, and another, and another. They must have run out of arrows because the shooting stopped.

 




Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 1 post ] Average score:  


PRS © 2008 PRS Team