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 Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
regular_visitor

Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 1056
Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:44 pm
Okay, so this is my first post on the Write-it boards. I visit the STACKS message boards a lot, but I decided to come here to post part of my story. I've written stories all my life, and I'm currently working on a novel. It doesn't have a title yet... It's about unicorns--yeah, I'm not kidding--but I'm only posting one chapter for now. If you could, please check it out. I'd love feedback of any kind, espacially any critisism or tips you might have. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. So please reply with any thoughts you have about this chapter. Well, here it is. (just keep in mind, this is a DRAFT and not the completed work) Thanks in advance for commenting.
 
Chapter 2

          “Mom, Callie is keeping a TOAD in her room!” The obnoxious voice of my little sister carried to the living room where I had been sprawled out on our super-comfy couch.

          “Am not!” I retorted, throwing down my book. Uh, oh. This was not good. Mom and Dad would be furious if they found Benjamin.

I snuck a quick glance at the kitchen, where Mom was chopping up vegetables for lunch. She met my gaze. “I want the truth, Callie. Is there a toad in your room?”

          I gulped and looked away. I didn’t want to lie, but there was no other way out of this that I could see. “Um, no?”

          Mom dried her hands on a towel and narrowed her eyes. “You know the rule: wild animals are to be left outside where they belong.”

          I guess she still hadn’t forgotten about that time I had kept a gardener snake hidden in my closet. It sure takes some people a long time for forgive and forget.

          “Mmm mmm,” I muttered, shooting evil looks at my sister as she entered the kitchen.

          “What if it gets into my room?” Kristy whined.

          Mom pulls Kristy into a hug. “It’s okay, sweetie. Your sister assures me that there is no toad in this house. But when I am finished with these vegetables, I will check just to make sure.”

          Kristy turned away from Mom and gave me a smug smile. I stuck my tongue out at her, my face a mask of calm.

          But when she left, I began to panic. I needed to get Benjamin out of my room. I had found him as a very young toad and raised him; I had even caught bugs every day for his breakfast and dinner. I wasn’t about to just release him. He was important to me.

          I thought about my options. There was no way I would be able to get past Mom to the staircase so I could get to my room; that would be much too obvious.

I decided the only way to get to my room so that I could safely rescue Benjamin before Mom got to him was to climb the apple tree. It wouldn’t be easy, as the tree was a good five feet away from the house, meaning I would have to climb out onto a very spindly branch to reach my window. Nevertheless, I made it up the tree and into my room by way of the window. I skidded across the hardwood floor on my socks, grabbed the box containing my precious toad, and climbed back out the window.

Perched precariously on the windowsill and clutching the box to my side, I reached out for the tree branch with my free hand. But when I started to inch my way out onto the branch, my shoelace got caught.

LOOK FOR PART 2 IN MY NEXT POST 

What would you do if you werent AFRAID ???

?

pearpearthe14th

 




 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
moderator

Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 9:14 pm
Posts: 1714
Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:08 pm
Welcome pearpearthe14th,

Glad to see that you posted your story to Write It!

Because your story is about unicorns, I moved it to the Sci-Fantasy boards. I think it will fit better here. But I do encourage people who want more readers from other boards like Novel, to post an announcement to the General Discussion board in any of the categories letting people know that a new installment of your story is up on Sci-Fi/Fantasy and that you'd love to have more readers. Always try to include a link to your new post so that people can find it easily.

Glad to have you posting your story! Let me know if you have any questions!

Best,
Write It Mod






 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
regular_visitor

Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 1056
Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:04 pm
I guess I never really considered my story as being fantasy, but that's fine. :)



 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
regular_contributor

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2010 3:35 pm
Posts: 3249
Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:40 am

First the "negative" stuff:

Don't capitizalise the "t" in "the" on the first sentence. "the obnoxious voice..." is still part of "'Mom, Callie...'" Also,the "uh, oh" seems kind of awkward and redundant. Maybe if you made a thought, so: "Uh,oh, I thought, this isn't good. Mom and Dad will be furious if they find Benjamin." Or simply take it out.

Also, it's simply "garden" snake. Now do you mean it is simply a snake from the garden or a garter snake? And change the tense of "takes" in the same paragraph to past because the majority of your text is in past. Same with "pulls" about a paragraph (or two) down.

Add more colourful language, like adverbs and adjectives! Describe Callie and her family and her home (for example, I don't know anything about what she looks like). Sophisticate your wording (like, can you find (a) better word(s) instead of "not good" or something like that? Not saying you should add SAT words like "pusillanimous" or something, but "horrid" or "dreadul" can fit it better) and sophisticate your sentences (make more complex sentences; there seems to be a lot of simple sentences here.)

Also, name Callie's little sister (you probably named her in chapter one, but since I don't know her name, I decided to mention this.)

 

Now the "positive" stuff:

You seem to be building a voice for her, which is always a plus. You are also building relationships, like her dislike for her annoying little sister and a sort of fear/respect for her parents. That is ALWAYS good! :) Also, your grammar/spelling is quite awesome, which is totally great! ♥ Not to mention I looooove Callie's name! :D I really like the fact that this about unicorns and frogs!! And you ended on a good, tense note—which is really good for leaving readers wanting more.

 

Waaah. It looks like there is more negative comments than positive, but believe me, it's not! The only reason why is because the negative stuff has suggestions and stuff! :P

 

And hey? Is chapter two supposed to be this short or is there more to chapter two? Because this is kind of short for a whole chapter...

 

~Always histrionic,

Aly♥




 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
regular_visitor

Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 1056
Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:40 am

No, this is not the whole chapter. The next part is in my newer post. First of all, thanks for commenting and making suggestions. Sometimes a writer does not realize stupid little mistakes, such as that random present tense verb which really should have been past tense. As for the short sentences... I have noticed that about my writing. I think it's just kinda my thing. It doesn't really bother me, and as long as it doesn't get in the way of publishing one day--I really hope to be a published author!--I think I'll just keep on writing as I naturally do. Every writer has his own style. Anyway, thanks for the comments. Much appreciated. Oh, last thing: Callie's sister 's name is Kristy. The reader finds that out in the first chapter, along with a description of Callie's physical characteristics. 




 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
regular_contributor

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2010 3:35 pm
Posts: 3249
Sat Feb 18, 2012 12:54 am

Oh, okay. Have you posted chapter one, because if you haven't, you should, just so that I could get a mental picture about what Callie looks like and stuff.

 

And the short sentences might or might not stop you; editors look for a good story and a good writing style, and you might or might not pass. I've read books with a similar style to yours, so you might be okay.

 

Anyway, good luck and keep writing! c:

 

~Aly♥




 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
new

Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:45 pm
Posts: 24
Wed Mar 20, 2013 12:21 am
I think your idea and story is awesome. you should post more



 Re: Chapter 2 of my untitled story. Please check it out!
new

Joined: Sat May 18, 2013 4:19 pm
Posts: 3
Mon May 20, 2013 9:18 pm
I love your story a lot! You also use some great words too! I am planning on posting my story soon, so if you got a chance to read it, the title's called A Fireball Fairytale Two! I'm starting a series except, I don't have the first A Fireball Fairytale, but I'll post that soon too! :( Thanks for your wonderful story!!! :D ~sapphire



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