Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 1 post ] Average score:  
Author Message
 December 2nd
new

Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 12:17 pm
Posts: 32
Sat Dec 03, 2016 6:42 pm

Starting a present day fantasy story! Comment for constructive critism. 

 

December 2nd. The day my mom died eight years ago. I woke up to the chilling memory of dad coming through the front door, tears streaming down his face. 

I slid my princess earmuffs over my ears. I ripped my stuffed Piglet out of my closet. I dug up my baby blanket from underneath the piles of storage underneath my bed. Yes, not a normal thing for a thirteen year old to do, but, it was all I could do to push away the pain of what had happened. I turned on the christmas CD mom gave me when I was five. I even sucked my thumb. I pretended mom was next to me, stroking my amber hair and singing that old christian hymn that I used to hate, but now, I longed to hear her sing it again. I longed to hear the sweet notes fill up the room. But all I got was- emptiness. 

Dad was on a date in Hawaii with his girlfriend, Jarett. He probably forgot that today was the day mom had died. No matter if dad married Jarett or not, she would never be my mom. I bet Jarett couldn't hold me like mom did, and I bet Jarett couldn't whisper nice things in my ear whenever I had a panic attack. 

I stayed there for a long time, only getting up to answer the door. I opened the door and in stepped Aunt Silbey. "Hello," I said. "What a pleasent surprise." I lied. Aunt Silbey was perhaps the last person I wanted to see at the moment. She began to take off her crimson and gold sweater when she noticed my cheeks were wet. "You've been crying Isabell," she said, mocking a feeling of worry. I wanted to scream loud so everyone could hear, "OF COURSE I HAVE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER!? THIS IS THE DAY YOUR SISTER DIED!!!" It took everything in me to supress the feelings of hatred toward Aunt Silbey. She sat down on the kitchen stool and grabbed an apple from the fruit dish. She made herself right at home. I wanted to yell. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to stomp up to my room and shrivel and die. She looked at me. "Are you okay?" She asked with a hint of superiority. She looked down on me. I couldn't smile. I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything. So, I just stood there, my hands clenched into fists and my lips pressed together in one straight line. "Where's Edward?" She asked. "Daddy's gone," She frowned, "Pity." She walked over to the mirror near the front door. I thought she was going to move but she just poofed up her curly black curls. "Make yourself useful and make some waffles for breakfast, okay?" I dind't move. She looked at me and cocked her head. She pointed at the kitchen. "Well? Hop to it!" I shook my head slowly. Then, I walked into the game room. I opened the back door, walking straight into the cold. Heedless of Aunt Silbey yelling my name. I didn't even notice the biting chill that hung in the air. 

The next thing I knew I was sitting, panting, on the tree stump in the woods. It was a big stump, big enough for someone to sleep on and stretch out their whole body. That's what I did. I gathered my stringy golden hair up in a bun on the top of my head and I stretched my legs. I still had my earmuffs on. I sighed, what had I done? Aunt Silbey was probably in there, grabbing the food off the shelves and snatching up any  spare items she could carry. I looked around me. There was snow on the ground, there were nests in the trees, fallen branches on the ground. Branches could make fires. Fires could cook things. I pushed  the thought out of my mind, no, I was going home, right? Yes, that's a good idea Isabell, go home and get blankets and food... I looked around me again. I've never really minded the outdoors. I loved them actually. When I was younger, mom and dad would take me into the nature reserve a few miles away and we would have a picnic. Dad taught me how to climb trees. I could... I sighed. Yes, I would. I looked at my surroundings for the third time. Yes, this was my home. 

That night, I used my spare house key to open the door. The heat was off, the lights were off, the whole house was filled with a creepy silence, with the exception of my sneaker padding across the hardwood floor. I walked into my room. I got my camping backpack. I gathered one of my quilts, I stuffed in one of my pillows. I fitted the picture of mom in between the space between the blanket and the pillow. I packed in another outfit. Then, I went into the kitchen I grabbed a packet of oreos, an apple, canned food and a scented candle. I couldn't live without one. 

Then, I crept into the night, hoping none of my neighbors would see me. I walked down the sidewalk, grimacing every time I accidentally kicked a bit of rubble and it clattered into the street. 

When I finally came to the woods I had found solace in earlier, I placed down my backpack and looked around for the stump. It had been in the clearing at the entrance... I looked around. I could've sworn there had been a clearing, much less a stump. I plopped down onto the icy ground and grimaced as the cold seeped through the base of my jeans. I shook my head. Something was happening here. Something was wrong. I looked around. Then- I was struck with an idea. I shook my head. I laughed out loud. That would be crazy. But, nonetheless, I got up, dusted myself off and went back through the entrance. I stood there, facing out on the street for a second, then I turned, my eyes almost popped out of my skull. Beyond the entrance stood a squat sign where my backpack had been that said, "Scull Grove." Pine trees stood where just a moment I was sure there were maple. I rubbed my eyes and opened them again. Now, Evergreens towered above me and a billboard stood tall, "BIG SALE! GET TOOH BRUSHES NOW!" Something about the sign stuck out to me. In both signs that I had seen, something had been off. Where it should have said Skull on the previous sign, it said scull. And where it should be spelled T-O-O-T-H as in toothbrushes, in the sign before me, it said, "Tooh brushes." Then, I fainted. 

When I woke up, I was shivering. I couldn't feel any part of my body except my lips and (just barely) my fingers. Everything else was numb. I rubbed my freezing hands together and looked beyond the entrance yet again. I wasn't shocked, this time, when I saw a whole different scenery ahead of me. I walked slowly into the forest and bent over to pick up my bag, only to remember that it had disapeared. What was I to do?




Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 1 post ] Average score:  


cron
PRS © 2008 PRS Team