Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 19 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post, tell me what you think! Please!
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:37 pm
Posts: 410
Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:46 pm

INTRODUCTION 1: SCENE 1

INT. BEDROOM 1: NIGHT:

Two people sat alone in a dark room at a table. Each has a glass in their hand. One of the men was young and blond, with a grim expression, the other much older with sleek white hair that was cut short.

 


YOUNG MAN: Where am I?

 

OLDER MAN: If you don't know, I'm afraid I can't tell you...

 

YOUNG MAN: Why not!?

 

OLDER MAN: She told me what she needed to tell you, and the rest you have to find out on your own...

 

YOUNG MAN: I don't understand...why? Why did she tell me to find you?

 

OLDER MAN: (Shakes his head and takes a long sip , emptying his glass and setting it gently on the table.)

 

YOUNG MAN: (Slams his own glass on the table causing it to shatter. The older man did not look up.)

 

YOUNG MAN: (cont'd) Who is she?! If she can tell me what to do and who I am, then why can't she tell me who she is?! Why won't she tell me her name?

 

OLDER MAN: C.C. can't tell you who she is...because you already know...(He looks up.)

 

YOUNG MAN: (His voice softens.)I'm afraid I've no idea what you're talking about.

 

OLDER MAN: C.C. is a part of you that you've forgotten. That is why she sent you to me. To help you remember. 

 

YOUNG MAN: See that's what I don't understand...remember what?

 

OLDER MAN: Are you aware...(break)...of the esscence of your powers?

 

YOUNG MAN: (Laughing forcibly) What powers?

 

OLDER MAN: I'll take that as a no...first off I'll start by explaining your deadline.

 

YOUNG MAN: New Year's Eve?

 

OLDER MAN: (nods) The reason for everything...your loss of memory...the kingdom falling...it all revolves around that date. Because...you don't exist.

 

YOUNG MAN: That's preposterous!

 

OLDER MAN: You don't exist, that's why your emotions are stronger than ever before!

 

YOUNG MAN: Funny! You'd think that I couldn't feel anything if I didn't exist!

 

OLDER MAN: Yes...you would think. However, as we draw nearer to the year's end you grow closer to existance.

 

YOUNG MAN: Stop! (He stands slamming his fists on the table)

 

OLDER MAN: (Raises his voice) You're dead!

 

YOUNG MAN: NO!

 

OLDER MAN: YES! You died! Remember it?! Remember who killed you! REMEMBER!

 

YOUNG MAN: NO!!!

 

(The scene becomes dark as the young man clutches his face in his hands, closing his eyes.)









CUT TO:

INT. CASTLE: GREAT HALL: MIDNIGHT:

Four people (along with half a dozen soldiers) are standing in an expansive marble room with dozens of pillars at its edges. A throne sits at the far center of it, a purple cloak draped over it. Two of the people are beside one another. A man, Caldet, and a woman, Cora. Caldet is holding Cora tightly by the waist. The young man is standing in front of them. Behind him the guards have a young woman (Celia) surrounded.


CALDET: Kalen, I am so happy to see you join us on the night of our wedding. (He grabs Cora more tightly. She winces.)

 

CORA: (she gasps) Kale!

 

YOUNG MAN: Caldet! Let her go!

 

CALDET: I would...but you see that I'm quite afraid that she wouldn't come back. (he laughs)

 

YOUNG MAN: Let her go!

 

CALDET: Name your terms. What do you have to offer me that would make me want to give up my wife?

 

CORA: (groans in disgust)

 

YOUNG MAN: (harshly) If you let her go, then I promise that you can live!  

 

CALDET: How about...you die, or she does?

 

CORA: What?

 

CELIA: No!

 

CALDET: Take it or leave it, Kale.

 

YOUNG MAN: That's Kalen to you!

 

CALDET: We're all friends here, so let us skip the formalities...choose, Kale. You or her? (he raises a knife to Cora's throat. The tension in the room grows)

 

YOUNG MAN: Me!

 

CELIA: NO! KALE!

 

CORA: Kale, don't!

 

CELIA: (a flash of light breaks the soldiers flanks as she uses magic. She runs over to Kale.)

 

CALDET: (smiles) Excellent!

Caldet throws Cora forward. She falls to the floor with a smack. He lunges forward and stabs Kalen in the chest. The clock at the end of the room chimes. Celia and Kalen scream. The scene goes black.










END SCENE





Thanks for reading! This was an scene from my UNTITLED novel that I recently started. I hoped you enjoyed it!

Tell me what you think!


"THERE ARE MANY WORLDS,BUT THEY SHARE THE SAME SKY---ONE SKY---ONE DESTINY..." KINGDOM HEARTS II


 

 







 

 

 

 

 

 

Message Edited by Write_It_Moderator on 01-21-2009 09:03 AM




 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post, tell me what you think! Please!
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Sun Mar 01, 2009 9:08 pm
Fabulous! You've absolutely GOT to post said novel.

SAVE THE DUDE

Kira



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post, tell me what you think! Please!
contributor

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:51 pm
Posts: 622
Fri Mar 13, 2009 6:44 pm
Great!



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post, tell me what you think! Please!

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:42 pm
Posts: 3
Thu Sep 17, 2009 4:26 pm
Cool! Is there a part 2?  Whenever it gets published, check out the prologue of my book(Til Death Do Us Part). :womanhappy:



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:16 am
Posts: 17
Thu Dec 20, 2012 7:13 pm
FINALLY! Someone who ALMOST gets the layout perfect.
You did do a good job though. You kept it moving along, even though it was a REALLY long scene.
Have you ever read the book, Big Fat Paycheck: A Young Person's Guide to Writing for the Movies? It is a great screen-writing book.
I do think sometimes your characters talked in little snippets. That is OK. But if you want to shop this script to Hollywood, they will hate it, because they are VERY strict about script quality.



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:08 pm
Posts: 2
Wed Feb 06, 2013 9:41 pm
omg scary a dead guy existing wait a second im so confused



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 8:14 pm
Posts: 16
Sat Mar 02, 2013 5:26 pm
Amazing! You have got SERIOUS talent! I can't wait to see what you post next! :)



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:44 pm
Posts: 82
Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:58 pm
What is the relationship between the 2 sceens? The only relation I see is the young man! Was sceen 2 a flashback? The script is good otherwise.



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:44 pm
Posts: 3
Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:16 pm
OMG AWESOME PLZ WRITE ANOTHER PEICE THIS MAY BE A BASIS FOR ME



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:47 am
Posts: 10
Thu Dec 26, 2013 5:08 am
I like it!



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 2:43 pm
Posts: 8
Sat Feb 15, 2014 6:07 pm
You are a great writer.Will you be my friend?



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 2:34 am
Posts: 15
Fri Apr 11, 2014 10:07 pm
Hey, that was pretty good! I've written a few short stories myself, and I don't have to be an expert to say that you've got potential!



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 5:57 pm
Posts: 20
Sat Apr 12, 2014 12:42 pm
Wow! YOU MUST POST THE REST!!!! Really. Don't keep us in suspense. I love the first scene in particular. It almost seems like you've died and gotten your memory wiped before and that enables you to be in your character's shoes.



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2014 9:19 pm
Posts: 1
Thu May 22, 2014 12:12 pm
awesome!



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Thu May 08, 2014 12:04 am
Posts: 5
Wed May 28, 2014 9:19 pm
This script was awesome! Please post the rest of the novel!



 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:45 pm
Posts: 22
Fri Jan 09, 2015 5:48 pm

Oh my gosh, When I read the first Sentence I could not stop reading O my gosh You need to finish te book and then post it. Your book is flat out

AMAZING!!!!!!!!

Finish the book and post it I need to find out. 

Save HIMMMMMM dont let him die. it actually feels like I am in the book

Post the rest!

NOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dont keep us in suspense I love the wedding scene in particular




 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2015 11:21 pm
Posts: 3
Sat Feb 07, 2015 5:44 pm

 ilove    it 




 Re: I'm new to this board, and this is my first script post,
new

Joined: Thu May 21, 2015 11:17 am
Posts: 4
Tue Jun 02, 2015 12:01 am

Ok, it was alright. I see where you were going, with the suspense and all. It would be great if it was a movie or play. In the end though, I partially agree with agressivecake7.  




 bella♥
new

Joined: Tue Nov 10, 2015 1:30 pm
Posts: 2
Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:15 pm

that was great i counldent stop reading




Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 19 posts ] Average score:  


cron
PRS © 2008 PRS Team