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 i need help with a title and some criticism>please read :)
new

Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 12:15 am
Posts: 48
Tue Sep 20, 2016 12:50 am

This is a poem a wrote, i would appreciate some critism or advice, also maybe a better title :) Anyways thanks so much! here it is:

 

Surface 

 

 

 
As i sink to the bottom  
the edges of the surface now out of my grasp
i have no time to wonder how I will get back up 
thinking this is how i say goodbye, perhaps 
around me the world is slowly darkening 
i can’t see where i am
without the warmth of the world, around me is frightening 
the current around me is strong 
but i can easily resist it 
even as it tries to push me along 
 
As it seeks to put me to sleep 
the ocean sings a lullaby
but I’m wide awake, as the ocean around creeps
i imagine a moon in the stark ocean that surrounds 
although above its only mid-day
Lost i am by humans, but by ocean creatures i am found 
all around me 
i can hear the sounds i can’t see
i try to remember, as i sink down further
who am i? What was i going to be?
 
I’m surrounded by the darkness of night 
unlike fruit in a cup 
i am heavy, sinking down, rather than light 
i always thought the ocean was colourful 
not as dark, but vibrant and bright
but the surface is now far away from me 
what lurks in the shadows all around?
how much further, i don’t really know
the evident I’m alone, is profound 
 
 
there is no one to save me 
no one to help 
I’m slowly flailing and thrashing about 
the ocean has left me out in the unknown
unconcealed in the blanket of darkness all around 
I’m scared, vulnerable and all alone
with all creatures being the only ones safe and sound
i keep on thinking 
one very same thought 
I will keep on sinking 
until Ive reached the surface again
 



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