Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 2 posts ] Average score:  

Should I continue my story?
Yes! 67%  67%  [ 4 ]
Sure 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
It's your story 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Sure 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
I don't care 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Mmm 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
No 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 6
Author Message
 I would like some help on a story I am writing.
new

Joined: Fri Apr 25, 2014 3:59 pm
Posts: 3
Fri Sep 05, 2014 12:37 am

 

    “Yes mother” I said as I got up from my sheep and goat fur bed, “I finished my studies.” I quickly hurried to the front opening of our big abode.  “Can I go for a ride,” I asked politely. “I do need to work with Firerose on the curves, she tends to get too close to the rocks and then we get off balance sending us the water.” Firerose is my dragon, I was assigned to her at the annual coming of age ceremony three years ago. Everyone that turns ten in our town gets a dragon. No matter if they are poor or rich. She’s supposed to stay with me until I die, then she dies.  It’s quite sad but then she can be with me for all eternity.  I’ll go into that more detail later.

    “I’ll go with to make sure Raven doesn’t get into any trouble mother.” Vivian said.

    “See,” I said. “you can surely trust her.”

    Vivian is my sister she is always keeping me out of trouble, but she can be so much fun. I also have a brother Declan. He is always working at the metal shop, creating swords and armor. He actually created my golden chestplate that looks like dragon scales.

    “Fine,” my mother said “but be sure you two come home by sundown, also tell your father to tighten your saddle, it might help on the curves and turns.”  My father and mother are the ‘Queen and King’  of our realm in which we live.  Me, Vivian, and Declan are the ‘princesses and prince’.

“Thanks” I say in return as I head out the opening of our house with Viv.

My nose tingled with delight as I stepped out into the circus, the streets flooded with food, people, dragons and animals of all sorts.  We headed out back to get our dragons.  I called over Firerose and Vivian called over her dragon Guster.  As we shuffled through the bustling street, my stomach began to rumble. All the smells overwhelmed me and I felt the need to speed all my tokens on whatever I could find. Vivian just kept nudging me away from all the stands. Along the way we stopped at my friends houses. First stop was the other triplet house, they had all boys though. First born like me was Lance, then Rory, then Miles. In my family it went me, Viv, Declan. The triplets though, barely looked like triplets. Lance was strong, handsome and blond. He was a perfect combination, maybe I was crushing.  Rory was weird, that was alright though. He had curly brown hair. Dave was eh, and had short, straight brownish hair.

“Hey” Lance said.

“Hi” I answered back.

“Where are we going.” asked Rory.

“Were going to Alcin Sea,” I said.

“Why?” asked Miles.

“ Were going to go for a ride.So go get your dragons” I said.

“Duh” said Lance. As he walked to the dragon stable behind his house.  Rory and Miles followed.  At the dragon stable


“We're going to stop at Gianna and Shelins house,” I said “Okay.”

“Okay.” Miles said, I think he likes Shelin.

As we all continued to walk Lance kept getting closer to me.  I also think Lance likes me. So I switched spots with Vivian, I had told her my thoughts about him earlier.  She saw what I was doing and understood, then kept walking as if nothing had happened.

Next house we visited was my cousins house, with twins Shelin and Gianna Wrivendale.  Shelin had straight, short, blonde hair, and was really pretty.  Gianna, had hazel, curly hair, she was also really pretty.  I look alot like them but, I have ombre hair it goes from brown to red to blonde.

“Hey” I said as I stood at the entrance to their home.

“Hey” Shelin responded.

“Hi” Gianna said.

“Here, Declan, Vivian, and I got these for your birthday” I said to Gianna as I handed her some black boots with spikes on them. “We got them made especially for you from the cobbler.” Gianna loves boots, well she loves shoes I should really say.  “Don't worry” I said to Shelin “We got you a present to.”  I unstrapped the package from Firerose’s saddle. “Here” I said as I handed her the basket with peculiar holes poked into it.  “Don’t just hold it” I said. “Open it” Carefully she lifted open the lid with the leather handle, and inside lay a black and white kitten cuddled up in a blanket.  

“Awww” Shelin said.  “It’s so precious and tiny and cute.”

“Do you like him?” I questioned Shelin.

“Yes,” Shelin said in awe “I’ll call him Max.”

“Sounds good” Miles said.

“I like it.” Gianna said.

“Me too” said Vivian.

“Thanks” Shelin and Gianna said in unison.

“Okay, hurry up we have to take a few more stops and then go all the way to Alcin Sea, and we have to get home by sundown.” I said in a rush. Next stop we would be taking would be at Myra and Elliot's house, yet another house with twins. Twins are very popular and common. Myra and Elliot are very competitive with one another.  They also love to have a mini-war game. They won of course.  Me and Reyna, another good friend of mine came in second place. Reyna is a good fighter. She and her dragon Percy, practice a lot on war and strategy.  

“Hello anybody home” I shouted into the Hearthfires home.

“They must be out back practicing” Lance said as he grabbed my hand taking me to their training arena in their backyard. I looked at the girls and they all noticed, because they stared back at me.  Shelin gave me a little smile, I had told Gianna and Shelin about Lance too. As we turned the corner there in the little arena, the two were fighting but there with them was Reyna too.

“Hey” I yelled over all the ruckus. “are you guys coming?” All heads turned even their dragons.

“Ohh yeah, hold on a sec.” Elliot shouted back.

“Yeah and by that time it will be an hour later.  Then we couldn’t make it to Aclin Sea, and back home by sundown. My mom’s order.” I said angrily.

“Fine” Reyna answered.

“Okay, okay” Myra said, starting to pack up her stuff on her dragon Nightshade.

“Lance” Elliot shouted. “come help me tighten my harness I can’t get it.”

“Fine” Lance said walking over.

I started to follow when Shelin tugged on my arm “There probably talking about boy stuff.”

“So” I said while walking over.

“I know” I heard Lance say as I got closer.  

“Just ask Raven” Elliot whispered.

“Ask me what?” I demanded.

“Just ask her” Elliot nudged Lance.

“Uhh nothing” Lance nervously responded.  “we better get going.”

I didn’t push him for the information. I would find out some other way.  The next place we traveled was to Lance, Rory , and Miles cousin’s house Delancey.  She was really pretty to Delancey had really really short bobbed, brown hair with blonde highlights.

As I stepped inside the home I said “Hi Delancy”

“Oh, hey I thought you were going to come sooner or later.” She said back

“Hey cous.” She said to Lance.

“Hey” Lance said stepping in behind me.  He was so close to me that I could feel the heat running off him. I wanted to stay close to Lance but Delancy pulled me away.

“Come on we have to get going” She urged me to the back of the house to get her dragon Pondlily.




 Re: I would like some help on a story I am writing.
new

Joined: Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:06 pm
Posts: 8
Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:33 pm

  Here's  an edited version :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          “Yes, mother,” I said as I got up from my sheep and goat fur bed, “I finished my studies.” I quickly hurried to the front opening of our big abode.  “Can I go for a ride?,” I asked politely. “I do need to work with Firerose on the curves, she tends to get too close to the rocks and then we get off balance , sending us into the water.” Firerose is my dragon, I was assigned to her at the annual coming of age ceremony three years ago. Everyone that turns ten in our town gets a dragon, No matter if they are poor or rich. She’s supposed to stay with me until I die, then she dies.  It’s quite sad, but then she can be with me for all eternity.  I’ll go into more detail about that later.

    “I’ll go with you to make sure Raven doesn’t get into any trouble ,Mother.” Vivian said.

    “See,” I said. “you can surely trust her.”

    Vivian is my sister. She is always keeping me out of trouble, but she can be so much fun. I also have a brother, Declan. He is always working at the metal shop, creating swords and armor. He actually created my golden chestplate that looks like dragon scales.

    “Fine,” my mother said ."But be sure you two come home by sundown, also tell your father to tighten your saddle, it might help on the curves and turns.”  My father and mother are the ‘Queen and King’  of our realm in which we live.  Me, Vivian, and Declan are the ‘princesses and prince’.

“Thanks!” I say in return as I head out the opening of our house with Viv.

My nose tingled with delight as I stepped out into the circus, the streets flooded with food, people, dragons and animals of all sorts.  We headed out back to get our dragons.  I called over Firerose and Vivian called over her dragon Guster.  As we shuffled through the bustling street, my stomach began to rumble. All the smells overwhelmed me and I felt the need to spend all my tokens on whatever I could find. Vivian just kept nudging me away from all the stands. Along the way we stopped at my friend's houses. First stop was the other ' triplet house', they had all boys though. First born (like me!) was Lance, then Rory, then Miles. In my family it went : Me, Viv, Declan. The triplets barely looked like triplets though. Lance was strong, handsome and blond. He was a perfect combination, maybe I was jealous.  Rory was weird, that was alright though. He had curly brown hair. Dave was eh, and had short, straight brownish hair.

“Hey” Lance said.

“Hi” I answered back.

“Where are we going?” asked Rory.

“We're going to Alcin Sea,” I said.

“Why?” asked Miles.

“ We're going to go for a ride ,so go get your dragons” I said.

“Duh!” said Lance as he walked to the dragon stable behind his house.  Rory and Miles followed.  


“We're going to stop at Gianna and Shelin's house,” I said “Okay?”

“Okay.” Miles said. I think he likes Shelin.

As we all continued to walk, Lance kept getting closer to me.  I also think Lance wants to be my friend,and is maybe even envious of me, so I switched spots with Vivian.( I had told her my thoughts about him earlier.)  She saw what I was doing and understood, then kept walking as if nothing had happened.

Next house we visited was my cousin's house, with twins Shelin and Gianna Wrivendale.  Shelin had straight, short, blonde hair, and was really pretty.  Gianna had hazel, curly hair, she was also really pretty.  I look a lot like them but I have ombre hair that goes from brown to red to blonde.

“Hey” I said as I stood at the entrance to their home.

“Hey” Shelin responded.

“Hi” Gianna said.

“Here, Declan, Vivian, and I got these for your birthday!” I said to Gianna as I handed her some black boots with spikes on them. “We got them made especially for you from the cobbler.” Gianna loves boots.( Well,  I should really say she loves Shoes .)  “Don't worry,” I said to Shelin, “We got you a present too.”  I unstrapped the package from Firerose’s saddle. “Here,” I said as I handed her the basket with peculiar holes poked into it.  “Don’t just hold it,” I said. “Open it!” Carefully she lifted open the lid with the leather handle, and inside lay a black and white kitten cuddled up in a blanket.  

“Awww,” Shelin said.  “It’s so precious and tiny and cute.”

“Do you like him?” I questioned Shelin.

“Yes,” Shelin said in awe. “I’ll call him Max.”

“Sounds good,” Miles said.

“I like it.” Gianna said.

“Me too” said Vivian.

“Thanks!” Shelin and Gianna said in unison.

“Okay, hurry up! We have to take a few more stops and then go all the way to Alcin Sea, and we also have to get home by sundown.” I said in a rush. The next stop we would be taking would be at Myra and Elliot's house, yet another house with twins. Twins are very popular and common. Myra and Elliot are very competitive with one another.  They also love to have a mini-war game. They won of course.  Me and Reyna, (another good friend of mine) came in second place. Reyna is a good fighter. She and her dragon Percy practice a lot on war and strategy.  

“Hello? Anybody home?” I shouted into the Hearthfires home.

“They must be out back practicing.” Lance said as he grabbed my hand taking me to their training arena in their backyard. I looked at the girls and they all noticed, because they stared back at me.  Shelin gave me a little smile, I had told Gianna and Shelin about Lance too. As we turned the corner there in the little arena, the two were fighting but there with them was Reyna too.

“Hey,” I yelled over all the ruckus. “are you guys coming?” All heads turned , even their dragon's.

“Oh, yeah, hold on a sec.” Elliot shouted back.

“Yeah! And by that time it will be an hour later!  Then we couldn’t make it to Aclin Sea, and back home by sundown! My mom’s order.” I said angrily.

“Fine” Reyna answered.

“Okay, okay” Myra said, starting to pack up her stuff on her dragon , Nightshade.

“Lance,” Elliot shouted. “come help me tighten my harness, I can’t get it.”

“Fine.” Lance said walking over.

I started to follow when Shelin tugged on my arm “They're probably talking about boy stuff.”

“So?” I said while walking over.

“I know.” I heard Lance say as I got closer.  

“Just ask Raven” Elliot whispered.

“Ask me what?” I demanded.

“Just ask her” Elliot nudged Lance.

“Uhh... nothing.” Lance nervously responded.  “We better get going.”

I didn’t push him for the information. I would find out some other way.  The next place we traveled was to Lance, Rory , and Miles cousin Delancey's house.  She was really pretty too .Delancey had really really short bobbed, brown hair with blonde highlights.

As I stepped inside the home I said “Hi Delancy!”

“Oh, hey! I thought you were going to come sooner or later.” She replied.

“Hey cous.” She said to Lance.

“Hey” Lance said stepping in behind me.  He was so close to me that I could feel the heat running off him. I wanted to stay close to Lance but Delancy pulled me away.

“Come on, we have to get going!” She urged me to the back of the house to get her dragon Pondlily.  

 

 

 




Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 2 posts ] Average score:  


PRS © 2008 PRS Team