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   [ 9 posts ] Average score:  
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 IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 8:59 pm
Posts: 42
Tue Jun 03, 2014 11:58 pm

So here's the story, I had this idea for a book about a german girl named Letta who: IS ON HITLER'S SIDE!!!! But dont worry, it gets better. Anyway, I have 1 1\2  chapters so far, but in differrent orders. One of the chapters is the first chapter, and the other is towards the middle, [i'm guessing.]  Ok, well this chapter is very short, but then again i'm not done it yet. This the chapter, and its called...

The Balloon Army

Letta woke up to Klaudia's laughter. "Why are you laughing?" Letta asked. "Look what those Devils have coming!" Klaudia answered. She handed Letta a newspaper. The headline read, "Roosevelt creates tanks, barracks, planes, and more amry defensements out of baloons to fool Hitler." Letta sighed. " You're not going to go back to routing for the Nazis are you?" Klaudia asked. "No! Of course not! But just think about all Anne's siblings, and our relatives too, who are still fighting for Hitler," " I prefer not to, but come on! We are Americans now. We should take pride in our contry," Klaudia said. Letta knew she was right, but she couldn't help but remember of when when she got the letter from America, about coming to join Aunt Eva here. Had she made the right choice in coming here? The question had btohered her ever since she left Australia. But the past was the past.

About a month later, Letta went out to the market with Mary. The newspaper headline was, "Ballon Army put into action, Set up in France."

I told you I wasn't finsihed the chapter! anyway, what did you think? Please tell me if you think it stinks or is good. Thank you, 

Creekclimbing11

 




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:15 am
Posts: 356
Thu Jun 05, 2014 11:06 am

I think it is really good,could u finish the rest of the chapter for me? Please continue writing!!!!!!!!LOL, I think u spelled country wrong! Well, oh well.                                                                                                                                                                               ~ SOFTBALL




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Thu Jun 05, 2014 9:57 pm
Posts: 1
Thu Jun 05, 2014 10:56 pm

I think it's great! If you're new, you can be my friend!




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 11:08 am
Posts: 16
Fri Jun 06, 2014 2:04 am

This is good! At some parts I'm a bit confused by who was talking. Maybe you should add a couple paragraphs in there too, but other than that I think this is a great story. It has a good story line, and I enjoyed it. Keep writing! :)

brainyelf38




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:41 pm
Posts: 2
Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:10 pm

This story is great. You are very talented.wink




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
contributor

Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 3:27 pm
Posts: 829
Tue Jun 10, 2014 3:00 am

Content-wise, this is VERY interesting! I like that you've found a unique storyline in a time period that's CONSTANTLY discussed in literature. You may want to do some research on German-American immagrants before you continue. I'm sure that nothing you have written YET is problematic, but looking into some real-life stories might give you more insperation!

In terms of your line-by-line grammar, you need some work. As a rule of thumb, ALWAYS created a new paragraph every time you have a new character speaking. For example, in the first line, Letta asks a question. Then, right after, Klaudia responds. Immediatly after you write "letta asked." You should have created a new paragraph. The result would look likes this. 

"Blablabla." said person X.

"ladeladeda." responded person Y. 

"bleblabloo." Person X said in reply.

Other than this, and with a little tweaking, you could have a really fantastic story on your hands!

Best Wishes!

Jess




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Tue Jun 17, 2014 4:08 am

Jess makes some good points! I'd also like to ask you to slow down the pacing. You shouldn't have that month-jump at the end -- start directly at the beginning of the story, and give it time to unfold. Otherwise, nice work!

Kira

Unofficial Adult Advisor for Write It!




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2014 1:55 pm
Posts: 58
Mon Jun 23, 2014 11:15 am

Nice story.




 Re: IM NEW PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new

Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:23 pm
Posts: 1
Mon Jul 21, 2014 1:55 pm

I think that is a great story!!! Even though it's  short right now I can tell its going to get better!




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