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 Jailed
visitor

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 2:55 pm
Posts: 19
Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:26 pm

Alrighty, so after countless stories tht have been dunked into the trash, i have come up with this one...finally. Lol, ok so this is only the prologue and I would really appreciate feedback and such on how i'm doing! Oh and critisim is always welcomed!!laugh

Jailed

Prologue                          

         

          Every day I dream of the sky, the ocean, and all of nature’s creation. I crave for the soft whisper of the wind on my skin or the warmth of the blazing sun that creates the beautiful bronze color.  I wish to see the bright smiles and hear the melody of laughter pour out of people as they walk the streets. I want to feel the soft silk that would brush against my skin when I get dressed in the morning. I wish to experience life at its fullest, laughing, trying new things, making friends, and falling in love. Most of all, I wish to be free.

 

            All these things are only dreams though. No blue skies only grey metal bars that surround me. The closest thing to wind here is my breath on my skin and instead of it existing in a bronze color; it’s a redness, blue, purple, or brown that comes from either deadly slaps or punches. Here, there is no smiling or laughter, but tortured screams and tears that leave trails down dirt covered cheeks and soak into the orange cloth, they call clothing. I won’t experience life with joy, but with the fear that creeps up my spine every three days when a guard comes down to the cells to take a new victim. I am not free.

 

            Sometimes I wonder why I even dream. Why don’t I just give up like the other countless depressed people who have long since given up hope? Why do I torture myself with these dreams when I already know what my inevitable fate is? I ask myself these questions every day, but they are always answered by my neighboring cell buddy, Jack. “Let your dreams run free Lizzie, one day they will come true. I promise.” He says that every day in the same honest voice. I don’t know how he can promise me such a thing, but I don’t ask. It would hurt too much to hear him say that he didn’t know. I just go along with it and keep dreaming.

 

            Jack has been here longer than I have. His gray hair is just a scruff on his head from after being shaved off more than a month ago. His old wrinkled face has seen it all, but his blue eyes don’t tell anything. In a way, he is one who is dead inside. He doesn’t do anything but just stare at the bars every day, even when he’s talking to me. He shows some emotion, but it’s usually always either bored or angry and even when he does, it is usually toned down a lot. He always remains curled up with his knees to his chest with the metal wall digging into his fragile spine. It’s funny how he acts so dead and gone, but always encourages me to never give up. Maybe he actually believes I will get out of here one day. But I know better, I’m never getting out. They told me that I was in for life no matter what.

 

            People who are trapped here have all done something that goes against our laws. Like Jack, he was put in here for robbing three shops clean and killing a man in the process. The thing is though; Jack is still a good person, just made some wrong turns in life. He had a family, from what I can guess, and was only trying to help them. They were poor and had a very small shack that they called home. A lot of people in here are not as kind as Jack unfortunately; some still did something bad for only the joy of it. I though, had no joy in what I did. It was terrible; I can still feel the fear and the anger bundled in me when he fell to the floor. It was all in self-defense, at least that’s what I tell myself. Do I regret it though? No, and I never will.

 

            This is no ordinary prison, instead of just laying around in cells and rot with food three times a day, we are punished. Our society believed that it wasn’t good enough for us to just sit here and not feel anything, many agreed, and for a result we are punished severely for our actions. It’s a message to the people who aren’t trapped in here that if they go against laws, they will be punished, not let off. It’s a good way for people not to disobey, but bad because it makes them cruel and heartless.

 

            Every three days, a guard will come down to the cells and randomly pick a prisoner who looks as though they haven’t been punished in a while. After that, the prisoner is whisked away up stairs to a chamber where various torture instruments are placed. For hours, we prisoners go through pain and its children. I can’t even begin to recall all of the hours, for it bring tears of fear to my eyes, or I cannot simply remember them because I have passed out.  Sometimes I wish to be dead because I rather experience hell than this. But whenever I wish that, I remember, this is hell, there is no escape.

 

            Those every three days I have to cover my ears so I don’t hear the screams and cries of the ruthless beating that carry down from the chambers. They say we aren’t supposed to hear the screams, but they lie. They make sure we hear them so they can kill us on the inside more without even touching us ones outside the chambers. I also have to shut my eyes when the guards carry the prisoner back down. I can’t stand to see the crumpled, bloody form with whip lashes and already forming bruises all along them. Most every time, the prisoner is unconscious. Worst part is when you wake up, the pain hits you harder than the actual beating and you always come to the realization that it will happen again.

 

            Many people try not to cry or scream, trying to prove that they cannot be broken, but it’s always useless. Even I now let my screams and tears come freely because I know no matter what they do to me, they can’t take away my dreams. Not even when they kill me, I’ll still be dreaming.

 

            The guards aren’t the ones who issue the pain though; no it’s different people who we have nicknamed Creators. Not the best nickname, but it’s true. They are the ones who create true fear and pain inside a person. They create a bottomless pit of despair in some, and an aching black hole in others. They create the most heartless person ever. I don’t punish them in my mind, I murder them.  Seems only fair they die for our pain. One day this will happen though, because if I let my dreams run free, they will succeed.


 

 




 Re: Jailed
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:14 pm

This is good! A very nice start, and well-done. Slightly pretensious, so you might want to calm your language use a little and make this more... casual? More human. You're trying a little too hard to make her all adult-like. You can relax that just slightly. But other than that, it's awesome.


KIRARARARA!



 Re: Jailed
visitor

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 2:55 pm
Posts: 19
Sat Jan 28, 2012 2:58 am

Ok, thank you dolphinwriter! I did read it over and i certainly agree. I was trying to make her strong, but in the process i made her sound almost invincible and grown up ish. So yah i tried calmin her down by switching stuff around and adding different things in! Thanks!!!

 

~Just because you act that way, doesn't mean its who you really are~




 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:29 am
Posts: 41
Thu Jun 27, 2013 1:06 am
It is good, very good; I've tried writing something similar and posted the first chapter here (it's not up quite yet--all that "the editing stuff is broken" jazz). Please check it out!! :)



 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Fri Aug 16, 2013 5:58 pm
Posts: 1
Fri Aug 16, 2013 6:01 pm
a bit long winded but that is awesome how old are you?



 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 4:41 pm
Posts: 70
Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:46 pm
I am surprised at how you wrote the script. Are the prisoners in like a normal jail, or they in like a prison camp. It is amazing that someone could write this without experiencing it. I thought it was awesome, a lot of drama. Really great job!!! Sincerely, Emeraldphoenix764



 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Mon Jan 20, 2014 9:52 pm
Posts: 13
Mon Mar 03, 2014 5:19 pm
how do you post your own story? I have a really fun scary story, but I don't know how to post it



 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:58 pm
Posts: 122
Sun Mar 16, 2014 1:54 am
This is quite intriguing, it makes me want to devour the whole novel. Though, I do agree with dolphinwriter, you should make her more childish. -catbrain205-



 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:24 pm
Posts: 5
Mon Apr 14, 2014 9:11 pm
WOW! That is amazing! I cannot believe I have had the privilege to read it before it becomes a best-seller! :D WOW! I better be seeing thing in stores someday! I'm not joking! I'll be the first to buy it! :D



 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 12:26 pm
Posts: 18
Tue Jun 03, 2014 2:10 am

Please write more that was amazing




 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2014 1:55 pm
Posts: 58
Mon Jun 23, 2014 11:21 am

This story is amazing!!




 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:28 am
Posts: 12
Sat Aug 23, 2014 8:15 pm

wow! really good! one thing you may want to mention is her age and what she did to this man. but other than those few simple suggestions really great! keep up the good work and be sure to check out my story in progress (no title for it yet but i am the author) so, good luck , please write some more and i'll see you on the stacks! 

        hugs and wishes- spiritedsoftball20!coolyesheart




 Re: Jailed
new

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 12:15 am
Posts: 356
Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:59 pm

Keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!   laugh




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