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   [ 24 posts ] Average score:  
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 Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2012 5:48 pm
Posts: 25
Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:38 pm

Chapter 1-
    All my life I've been I guess you could say in lock down. The president says it's for our own protection, but I think they use it as a deathtrap. I've been pushed
around most of my life by the government, and treated like trash. Forced to live a life that I barely even got to live. I never had reason to make my own choices. Until
my dad died. That day changed my life forever.
    My dad was such a sweet kind person it was hard for anyone to hate him. He would do anything for his family, even if it meant risking his own life; especially if it
meant risking his own life. My dad, whever he sang anyone and anything would stop moving and it even seemed they would even stop breathing if they were within a mile of
him. I didn't know it yet but I had his gift. The day my dad died it was rainy and storming  outside. My mom begged him not to go, but of course, he went anyways.
After, a day had gone by my mom started to get worried. After, a week the government came to our house to tell  us our dad had been jumped by some . He was seriously
injured and died on the spot.
    
    "Where is he? He's really late!" I say. "Hey don't be such a hater".I turn around to look at the owner of the familiar voice. "There you are!I've been waiting here
for ages!!" I say angrily, but not that convincingly since I'm smiling. "Welllll.....you know I like to use you as prey practice" he says. "Oh, so that's your only
reason for being late, all the time?" I say back this time with a much more convincing anger. "Oh, Kelsey you need to lighten up" he says back nonchalantly. "Well you
Nick Austin Mellark need to show up on time!" I retort. "Hey!" He shouts,"I thought I told you never to use my whole name!" he half laughs and shouts. "Hahahaha well
I thought I told you never to sneak up on me?" I say back. "Fine truce!" Nick says back to me.
     I will never forget the day we met. I was just 12 and he was 14. I went roaming in the streets and went to the wrong side of town. It was about a month after my
dad had died I was still greiving over his death. I wasn't paying attention to where I was or where I was going. I got jumped and all I could think was I'm going to end
up like my dad,dead. Then, after what seemed like 5 hours, but in reality was only 5 minutes. A boy came up to the guys and told them to back off. I didn't know if
maybe he lived around here or if he knew these people, but they backed off. When he got closer I realized he was only a few years older than me maybe 15 or 14. I was so
happy, I don't know what was going on in my head, but I hugged him. I was just happy that I would get to live another day.
     "Ok", I say, "so what are we gonna do today go hunting or check the traps?". "Well they're both the same thing so does it really make a difference?" Nick says back
sarcastically. "You know what I mean!" I say back jokingly. I have to say it's hard not to be happy when he's around, you couldn't help just smiling around him. As we
walked off into the silence of the woods we were quiet. We became completely different people. Silent waiting for the prey, and then, whoosh! I shoot my arrow at a
rabbit as it whizzes by. "Not bad" Nick says for once without even a hint of sarcasm. "Thanks." I say back in the same tone. After a couple of hours of hunting we
2 rabbits, 4 squirrls, and a couple of wild onions.




 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Fri Dec 25, 2009 9:19 pm
Posts: 452
Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:24 pm

That was good but it was a little too similar to The Hunger Games.  Maybe you want to post it on The FanFiction board or The Hunger Games board




 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2012 12:48 am
Posts: 25
Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:10 am

GREAT job!:)




 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:55 pm
Posts: 61
Wed Apr 11, 2012 12:19 am

I ike this, but the title isn't the best.... No offense.

 

 


Cats RULE!!!!




 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
regular_visitor

Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2011 4:07 pm
Posts: 954
Sun Apr 15, 2012 5:00 pm

that sounded alot like the hunger games other wise it was pretty good 




 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.

Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:07 pm
Posts: 56
Thu May 03, 2012 11:55 pm
This sounds just like the Hunger Games! Can you change it up a little? And maybe make it in the modern day? Otherwise, this is going to be a good story! (: Edit all of it and it will be perfect!



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
regular_contributor

Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 5:17 pm
Posts: 7691
Sun May 20, 2012 6:59 pm
interesting, I like it.



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2012 5:48 pm
Posts: 25
Fri May 25, 2012 2:39 pm
sorry about the confusion I completely changed the story a looooonnnnnggg time ago I just didnt post it I'm working on a new book now so you can maybe go check it out on the fanfiction board I havent posted it yet but I might just search my name cause idk what I'm gonna call it



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Sun Jul 08, 2012 10:28 pm
Posts: 1
Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:58 am
I love it!!



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:04 pm
Posts: 12
Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:42 pm
Hm....I like your style of writing, but then it became too much like 'The Hunger Games'. Maybe you should try to brainstorm some more and make it more unique? Your own? The characters seem pretty good, but you need something that is really yours, not just a bit of -and I'm not accusing you-yours and more of Suzanne Collin's. I suggest that you post another story with the same title except with your own twist and more creative-beat Suzanne Collins is what I say! You can do it! P.S. Check out my post titled 'Are You Sure This Is Real?' Chapter 1. It's Fantasy and I think it's good!



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:57 pm
Posts: 3
Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:39 pm
I think that you need to use more language like: he retorted, she exclaimed, she gasped, etc. We need more details too, and you need to make the story flow smoother. If you did all that, and checked your setting, then it would be good. You said Kelsey was living in the city, but then she and Nick go and shoot rabbits and squirrels. In Times Park? Just check your facts and edit it a lot, and it'll be awesome!



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:24 pm
Posts: 150
Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:03 am
What did you mean by "I got jumped."?



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 5:37 pm
Posts: 8
Thu Apr 25, 2013 3:14 pm
have all seen the hunger game good movie



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Sun May 19, 2013 6:13 pm
Posts: 13
Mon Jun 03, 2013 6:02 pm
Hi anubisfreeze. I would say to edit this slightly. The writing is excellent, great description and setting, but it sounds too much like the Hunger Games. If you've read them, it's probably influenced some of Suzanne Collins' writing style on you. Maybe set it in modern day or way back in history. You never know, if you change it around - maybe it could be a prime minister and her Mum might've died instead. Hope this helps :-)



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:09 pm
Posts: 5
Mon Jun 10, 2013 10:42 pm
Love it from the first sentence! Keep it up! I want 2 hear more! :)



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:00 pm
Posts: 24
Tue Jun 11, 2013 1:51 am
You are very creative.



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:00 pm
Posts: 24
Tue Jun 18, 2013 11:13 pm
I don't really get it. It actually sounds like the hunger games. I wouldn't really capture the idea from the book and use most of it and put all in the story. I mean I love it, but it would not really sound like you other than the author that wrote the book. Something could of happened and that something else could come from you. My name is Brianna and I am not forcing you to do this. Just write what comes from within. To let you know, YOU are still creative.



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:00 pm
Posts: 24
Sat Jun 22, 2013 8:13 pm
I can see that most people on your post are saying that the story your writing is sounding exactly like the Hunger Games. Like I said in my last message, you have got to make sure that your story is not all based on the story. You see here, I had the same problem. If I had not copied of my best friend , she would have still been happy with me. I copied her work and she was mad at me for a solid week. So now I realized that the work that comes from within, is never a bad thing. Whenever you love that persons work, you could maybe ask to join them other than steal, even if you can't ask them. Now I am not saying that you are stealing, but in this story, your not writing what you think. Maybe you should write something that matches with your own personality. It would make your story much more unique than it already is. Either way, I still love your story the way you wrote it.:-)



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:00 pm
Posts: 24
Wed Jun 26, 2013 12:07 pm
You should check out my post. It's called The Whisper of the Heart. I hope you'd like mine. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-)



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Thu Jun 27, 2013 12:34 am
Posts: 1
Thu Jun 27, 2013 12:38 am
Sounds good



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Wed May 08, 2013 7:49 pm
Posts: 12
Sat Sep 21, 2013 8:41 pm
Awsome!!!



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.

Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:57 pm
Posts: 110
Fri Nov 15, 2013 10:28 pm
This is wayyyy 2 much like The Hunger Games......if u wanna get this published changed it up a bit i mean: .............Mellark as in Peeta Mellark Death Trap The father dying>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hunger Games



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 2:34 am
Posts: 15
Sat Apr 26, 2014 11:17 pm
i know others say it's like the hunger games, and they are right! Let the words come to you, not you coming to the words! ;-)



 Re: Life or Death. Love or Loss.
new

Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2012 1:55 pm
Posts: 435
Wed May 14, 2014 12:34 pm
It's too much of Hunger Games.



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