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   [ 6 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Re: Moving Day
frequent_contributor

Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 7216
Tue May 13, 2008 5:25 pm
That's so great! *wiping tears from eyes* I can feel your emotions leaping off the computer screen. A lot of my friends have moved within the last few years... One to Japan, another to India, another to Ohio, another up north.... *blows nose into tissue* Don't worry... I'll be okay!:smileywink:
 
Again, it's absolutely wonderful!
 
_cavyheart_



 Re: Moving Day
special_guest

Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:42 pm
Posts: 478
Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:36 pm
Dear draco_is_mine,

Thanks for posting. You don't have to apologize about the length - long is good! I'm glad you gave yourself enough room to do justice to this memory, with lots of detail and emotion. My only suggestion would be to revise your wording here and there, paying close attention to places where you start to fall into a repetitive sentence pattern and could make the language more efficient by eliminating unnecessary words or combining sentences.

I love the opening - mysterious and emotional, it's a great hook for the rest of the memoir. As an example of what I mean by making the language more efficient, you could start off by combining the first two sentences: "I didn't say where I was going; my parents already knew." Later in that paragraph, instead of saying that your hands were holding a shoebox and your eyes were glued to it (two simple sentences joined by a conjunction into a compound sentence), try something like this: "My eyes were glued to the shoebox in my hands." That way, you say the same thing a bit more strongly but with fewer words - a goal of powerful prose. The same principle could be applied a bit farther down: "I soon realized that my hands were shaking. So were my legs."

The third sentence of your next paragraph is a bit awkward, with all the "parts" and "pieces." Maybe you could try saying that you really wanted to turn around, but something made you carry on. Or if you want to stress that you were divided, try simplifying it just a little: "Most of me just wanted to turn around, but some corner of my [mind? heart?] made me carry on," or something like that. You could strengthen the next sentence by condensing it into: "Rounding the corner, my stomach flip-flopped."

Now at this point, you start into a lot of "there was," "there were," "such-and-such was happening." Try to avoid this as much as possible. Instead of, "There was Mr. Smith...," try, "Mr. Smith and some movers were loading furniture and boxes [or something else more specific than 'stuff'] into the moving van while Mrs. Smith observed from the living room window." You can change the passive voice in the next  paragraph to active voice without too much revision: "She sat on the porch... Her head rested in her hands."

You say that you and Hannah opened your shoeboxes at the same time, but then you say that she went first. You make it clear what you meant as you go on, but I would try to clear up any initial confusion by changing that "at the same time" to something like, "It was time to open the shoeboxes."

The description of Hannah's necklace is a little awkward. Try something like this: "It was a cursive initial on a gold chain, like mine, but with an H for Hannah instead of an E."

I like how you brought back the shoebox at the end! The beginning and end act almost as bookends to the memoir, both of them depicting you walking alone with a shoebox. This was very well told - hardly any confusion, and carefully chosen details worked together with well-conveyed emotion to produce a lovely product. Keep writing and posting!

Jessica



 Re: Moving Day

Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:41 pm
Posts: 21
Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:01 pm
wow, that's really good.  I am tearing up right now, which I shouldn't be doing, as I am at camp.  There's this guy staring at me now too!!!  I know how you feel, I moved a couple of years ago, and at the exact same time, my best friend did too.  She moved to Pennsylvania, and now lives almost two hours away!! 



 Re: Moving Day
contributor

Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:40 pm
Posts: 1530
Thu May 21, 2009 7:35 pm
I did that stuff when my friend moved to the other side of the world.  I still miss her.:smileysad:
 
Great story!  I hope I can write like that.



 Re: Moving Day
contributor

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:05 pm
Posts: 858
Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:42 pm
*Sniffle* That's so sad! You portray emotions perfectly, and make me feel like I'm there... It was amazing =)



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