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   [ 4 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 My book
new

Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 2:05 pm
Posts: 52
Tue May 17, 2016 2:05 pm

Here is how I am doing with a book I am writing. How do you like it? Please comment.smiley

The Great Mystery
Written by Juliana(Juli)
 
Chapter 1
Disappearing from Home
There was a boy named Josh he loved mysteries he did mystery puzzles and he read mystery books. One day josh was reading his new mystery book his grandpa had got for him then something made him feel strange. He didn’t know what it was. He was worried because there was nothing there, just then he heard a big crash in the backyard! ” What was that!” Josh exclaimed. He didn’t know what to do, just then he noticed no one was there he was beginning to feel very very  cold, he rushed down stairs to see if his mom or dad might be back. 
His dad was usually in the living room right now and his mom would be in the kitchen. He searched the whole down stairs except for the basement because he wasn’t allowed to go down there but he had to, so he did. His parents weren't there, just then he heard another sound except it was banging on the front door he went upstairs to see if it was his parents but it wasn’t, so what was making the sounds? “This is really weird” josh said.  
The next morning he woke up he got ready for school, he was washing up when suddenly he heard a little voice “sis?” he said to himself  he went down stairs to see if his sister was there but, she wasn’t so who made that little voice? Once again he heard the voice but this time it said that he had to solve a mystery “Wait I’m not good enough” he said. Nothing responded he went to get his backpack when suddenly he disappeared “Where am I?” Josh asked.
 
He was in the middle of nowhere he was scared. He just started looking around the spooky house he was in when suddenly a dresser was in midair and was about to hit him in the face, luckily he dodged it. “I’m alive!” He said.  He was happy he was alive but a little creeped out so he just kept moving on hoping he would solve this mystery. When Josh turned around to go the other way to finish looking in that same room a note fell from the sky it said find the golden key and you will find your mom, dad, and little sister he didn’t understand the message but he searched and searched. There was a big BANG! “What was that? I must be dreaming I need to find somewhere to sleep. But I must continue” he said. So he continued on.
 
He didn’t find the key and it was late night so he was finding somewhere to rest he found a little bedroom to go to sleep in so he unpacked his pajamas and he put them on in the bathroom beside the bedroom he was in .When he got out of the bathroom, he got in the bed and fell fast asleep. Then he had a dream a scary dream he got dragged out of his room by something (it was actually a vision). By the time he woke up from seeing this creepy dream he got up to start the search again. 
He got up out of the bed went into the bathroom and washed up then put on his clothes, he began to search for the hidden key again then he looked in a rusty old drawer and found it he got another note that said find the locked door and unlock it with the key .He tried to but something was in his way so he decided to try to move it he didn’t know what it was, so he just ignored it and continued. 
When he found the key and tried to move the thing in his way he noticed that it was a ghost and so he couldn’t move it. Then suddenly it picked him up by the neck and strangled him, he couldn’t breathe for a while so he went to the bedroom he had come from. Then he got dragged right out of the bed and hooked up by his shirt, now he was in the Room of Death. Just as he woke up he was in a room full of red and skeletons. He didn’t know if he would die or not. But he got out of the “Room of Death” safely….well sort of.
“What is this place?” Josh asked. He was expecting no one to answer but instead someone said “This is the haunted castle of mysteries” in a whispering way.” I meant the name of the room I’m in” Josh said in a smart way. “Oh…. Sorry this room is called “THE ROOM OF DEATH!” was the reply in a very very loud type of voice.   Josh could feel coldness on his back. He just paused, sat there for one moment and walked on.
 
Then all the sudden he seen a shadow, he followed through the hall and out of the big scary castle. Now the shadow was trying to attack him! Josh was terrified. He didn’t know what to do. Suddenly he heard his family screaming in the distance. 
Now he was worried he might not get them back. Josh said “When will I ever find my family!” He didn’t know what was going on so kept walking and walking and running and running to find out. But he never did. He was starting to worry but just then he saw a little shed above the hill.  Yet he was still in risky business…Well not for long because he took a horse for a short ride.
As he was approaching the little shed the scream’s kept on getting louder. Josh said “Gosh stop screaming! It’s getting annoying”. Then it stopped “Hmm….I guess they heard me” he said. Then he had to stop, unlock the shed and see what the screaming was about. “Ok Ok…. I really don’t why I’m doing this. Oh wait my family…Right” he said. He opened the door and found them, another note fell and he read aloud “You are not finished just because you found your sister, mom, and dad.”, “What!? Man is this gonna be a long trip” Josh said. “Josh! You found us….Well me at least. “What do you mean just you sally?” ,“Mom and Dad didn’t survive” Sally said.
“Oh... So are you gonna help me with this mystery?” He asked, “Sure” she said “I never really solved a mystery before” they said at that same time. He disappeared again along with his sister this time. “Where are we now?” Sally asked, “I don’t know. Why are you asking me?” Josh said. “I was just asking” she said, “Please don’t question now….Maybe later” he said. “Uhhhh….Ok” Sally replied. As they walked he noticed that there was sunlight in the place they were in, unlike the other place it was always dark. “What is this planet’s name? I know we are not on earth.” Sally said. “The Mystery Planet” something answered it was behind them. There sitting in a little chair was a Bing Bing. I know you’re thinking what is a Bing Bing a Bing Bing is a little creature on the Mystery Planet, Bing bings are small green creatures that has big black eyes and is harmless. “What is that?” Sally and Josh said instantly. “I am a Bing Bing, my name is Jimmy.” He said. “I work at the Mechanical Bing Bing Center” said Jimmy
 
                          
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
            Chapter 2
Meeting Jimmy the Bing Bing
When he had said this sally said “Whoa”, “Welcome to the town of Bing bing” said Jimmy. “This looks a lot like earth” Josh said, “Yes it does josh“ sally said. “ What’s earth?” Jimmy asked confused, “Seriously! You don’t know what earth is…. Earth is a planet that has water, plants, food, and humans” Josh said.” “Oh” said jimmy understanding more. “So….uh what planet are we on?” Sally asked, “You are not to know that yet!” said a big loud voice. “Wh...Where did that come from? Josh asked, “Over here!” said the voice. Josh turned around “but…but. But… you’re so small!” he said. “I am….I am….uhhhh…” “You are what!?” Josh said interrupting. ” That’s carter…He don’t like to give out his name to strangers” Jimmy said. “Strangers!…Strangers!...Strangers! We’re not strangers!” Sally said angrily. “Whoa calm down there little sis” Josh said. “They don’t even know us much yet… we didn’t give them our names” He added. “Oh….that’s right, sorry” sally said. Then sally’s stomach rumbled, she was hungry. “Where can we get some food to eat jimmy?” asked josh, “I am hungry” he added.  “Go to the broccoli café” Jimmy said, “What’s the broccoli café?” sally asked. The broccoli café is some places where you can eat, play, and sleep…I know you don’t sleep in café’s but hey it’s not like earth… Anyway back to the point there are dancing broccoli’s there that serve your food and helps you out” said jimmy.
“Where can we find that at?” sally asked. “Well…Go straight four blocks then turn right one block and you’re there.” Said jimmy, “Is there any transportation?” Josh asked. “No…Except the ty mobile” jimmy responded, “What’s the ty mobile?” sally asked giggly. “Over there, that thing…. See it?” jimmy replied. Just in case you don’t know what the ty mobile is it’s a big wagon carried by snorts.” Cool!” Josh exclaimed, “Let’s go!” sally said. Then they drove off. 
 
 
           Chapter 3
The Stay at Broccoli Café
  When they arrived josh and sally were surprised. There were dancing broccolis everywhere! Serving food, booking people’s rooms, and watching Bing Bing children play! So they just sat down and waited for someone to take their order, “Hello, My name is Sean how may I help you?” asked Sean “I would like a grilled cheese sandwich please” Sally said. “I would like some alfredo noodles please.” Josh said, “Grilled cheese and alfredo noodles coming right up” said Sean. “Wait how much does it cost?” sally asked, “Oh….At this café everything is free and already paid for” he responded. “Cool!” they said at the same time.
 



 Re: My book
new

Joined: Sat Jan 02, 2016 2:22 am
Posts: 26
Sun May 22, 2016 1:56 am

Dear Juli,

 

     i like where you are going with the three chapters you have so far but i think when it talks about him being in the scary house. you should add more description and depth. You know? and if thats the exact thing you want to publish, you might want to work on nerd work, (capitals, spelling, run-on sentences,etc. And be careful with your "hes" and add afew more "joshes In there. But overall, i think its great.  

 

     Your friend,

                      Becca




 Re: My book
new

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Wed May 25, 2016 4:02 pm

It's okay, I guess, but I'm not into horror or mystery books that much.




 Re: My book
new

Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 2:05 pm
Posts: 52
Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:08 pm

Yeah! You're right! Thanks for the advice! smiley

P.S. I sent you a friend request




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