I first remember being self-conscience about my weight when I was seven years old. It was third grade, and I was eating lunch like every other day. I don't know what struck me, but I had the sudden urge to check the nutritional fats. There were probably five grams of fat in my entire lunch, and I couldn't bear it.
I had seen the models on TV, they were gorgeous! Thin and beautiful, every girl's dream. I thought that I should look like those models.
My young, gullible mind led me into one of the biggest pitfalls of my life. I would count the calories on all my meals and such. I would exercise non-stop.
Then, in fifth grade, it got worse. I started putting myself down. Now, I not only wanted to look like the models, but I would put myself down for not being like them.
I would pull at the skin on my arm, imagining huge flabs of fat. Some of my friends would ask what I was doing, and I'd always say the same answer.I answered that I was scratching or pretending I was made of elastic.
The truth was, I thought they would be disgusted if they found out how fat I was. I was worried they would think that I was fat and worthless for not being like the supermodels.
It was in fifth grade that I started limiting what I could eat, I tried to eat extremely low fat items and didn't eat junk food. Period.
Entering sixth grade, the problem got worse. I started bring an apple for lunch. One apple. I'd look at girls who had a smaller frame than me and think 'You fatty! Why can't you look like them?'Even though I could never be as thin as them due to my skeletal structure, I would badger myself for not being as small.
I would see these girls eating ice cream at lunch and think,'They can eat when you can't! Try harder to get skinny!'
Finally, I entered 7th grade. I have recently stopped bringing lunch at all, and have cut out as much fat as possible from my diet. I'm now getting about a gram and a half of fat each day, and still don't think I'm thin enough.
Everyone assures me that I'm thin, but how can I believe them when I look in the mirror and see that bulging belly and those meaty legs that my mind has conjured up and pasted over the real me?
This is a really personal memoir for me, but I'm writing it because I want people to know what it's like to starve yourself. I want them to know that even if they are overweight, my lifestyle is not the choice to take. This is meant to be a heartfelt warning to those of you who might start thinking like I did in third grade. I hope you liked my memoir, and thanks for listening. Peace out guys.