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   [ 7 posts ] Average score:  

How would you rank it?
Poll ended at Thu Mar 15, 2012 3:59 am
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Author Message
 New story! need feedback!
rookie_visitor

Joined: Sun May 16, 2010 5:29 pm
Posts: 21
Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:59 am

   **Ok, so um....I love to write, but I'm not really good at it. When I write stories, usually I can't write more than 2 pages. Sad, huh? Anyways, an urge has come over me to write. This is pretty much just something at the top of my head..so here goes....:)

Faye

   My hair was plastered to my face, and my dress clung to my slender body. Did I care? Honestly, I didn't even notice. In fact, I was more or less focusing on running through a dark, creepy forest in the middle of the night... and in the middle of one of the worst storms we had had in the last year. Not to mention the fact that I had an unwanted pursuer. Of course, at this time Monday, I had no idea what I was about to be involved in....

(Same Day)

Juniper

I woke up that morning at dawn, and imediately wishing I hadn't. I'm an early riser, and love to watch the sun rise. But what sun? All I saw were mad storm clouds, and the flash o f lightning in the distance. There was no going back to sleep- I was officially awake. I began to get dressed, putting on my favorite sky- blue dress, and making my bed. When I was done, I walked over to my dresser. On it was a hairbrush, washing basin, and a small box that held my jewelry. It was crude, but I absolutely loved it. It had been in my family for generations, and hopefully it would be for generations to come. I opened it, and took out my turquoise ring, and slid it onto a ribbon of the same color. My reflection stared  back at me as I carefully tie the ribbon a round my neck, and arrange it so that it hides underneath my dress. I study myself in the basin of cool water. I have dark, dark brown hair- its almost black. It hangs straight and smooth, past my shoulders and to my waist. I like it like this. It hides my face. People say I'm timid, and I guess I am....in a way. I make up for it with my talent of herbs. My name fits me well-Juniper, not really a herb, but it does have its uses. I continue to study myself. I have slender body, and I'm small. I have a more tan complexion than my mother does, but I really don't look like my father or mother. The thing that really stands out about me, though, are my eyes. They're oval shape, and are a startling, smoky grey in color. I have yet to see a person with even the same color as mine, and I doubt I will. You never know, though. Making one last inspection of myself, I figure that something is missing. Opening a drawer, I pull out a small barette. Pinning back the left side of my hair, I look in the bowl one more time. Perfect. I nounce down the stairs, eagerly awaiting my day.

**Ok, so that's Juniper's part. If I post again, the main part will be Faye's. Open for suggestions!! Please don't forget to take the poll1 Hope you enjoyed!

 

 




 Re: New story! need feedback!
new

Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 9:20 pm
Posts: 26
Wed May 02, 2012 11:25 pm
this is really good ,but if you ever really want to become an author you shouldn't use words like "mad" because the older audience will not like that ,but if you only write children's books don't worry about it!



 Re: New story! need feedback!
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 10:59 am
Posts: 593
Thu May 03, 2012 7:30 pm
Interesting story.



 Re: New story! need feedback!

Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:47 pm
Posts: 144
Wed May 09, 2012 9:26 pm
my computer won't let me vote, but i say 4. it's a compromise. i like the way you say things, i think it's a pretty intersting story line, but you get to detailed with the characters...but other wise, i lke it!
-Jadeprincess



 Re: New story! need feedback!

Joined: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:55 pm
Posts: 80
Tue May 15, 2012 10:46 pm
GAHHHHH MY COMPUTER WONT LET ME VOTE OR QUOTE! I'm goign to have to agree with Jay on this one. (@jadeprincess3, I'm calling you Jay. I happen to like it, but tell me if you don't and I'll stop.) It's a very, very intersting storyline, but your characterization comes all at once. I'll be honest, it's like the beginning of Eragon: every time I read it, I skip to page 34. Your story makes me just want to skip to the page where action actually begins to happen, because we have one person running from an unknown assailant (very interesting) to a girl describing herself in the mirror (highly boring). Yes, we want details, but that's overkill at this point. Elaborate on the chase, or have a flashback to right before the chase, not to an entriely different person... Give yourself some room to elaborate and your reader to doubt, and you'll be able to write more. I have the same problem, hun, trust me. Introduce some potential antagonists, have an assailant come crasing through... somewhere, chase scene, then something shocking, then change perspective is how I'd do it, but this is your story. We're just going to be the ones recommending it to friends if you ever get it published XD It has promise. Huge potential. So don't beat yourself up over this (it's a pain and a half to deal with, but for you and anyone you vent to), and try restructuring it: attack a problem from a different angle, and you can go farther. Yosh! My rant is over for today. Have a nice day~



 Re: New story! need feedback!
new

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2012 12:48 am
Posts: 25
Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:46 pm
My computer won't let me vote but I say 7.5. You went into alot of detail, which is good:)....and not-so-good:(. Readers want to have a mental picture of the character in their head, but you don't have to give them EVERY SINGLE detail. Get it? But I really like your story!!! -Beigebird92 P.S. Please write more! Good Luck;)



 Re: New story! need feedback!
new

Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:43 pm
Posts: 11
Sun Jun 10, 2012 3:10 am
Good story. The previous commentor is right, the description coming all at once is a little boring. I have used the mirror describing technic and I've read it is a rookie mistake. I care very much about how my characters look and want my readers to see what I see, - I think most writers do, but readers generally don't before they know the character and care about them. Then they will be more willing to sit through some description. And some books are great when all we know is the character's age and gender, because the character traits carry it. But, if any of the description is important to the story (I read a book once where people were scared of the protaganist because of her creepy eyes) that should be put in at the beginning. Now about not being much of a writer. You seem talented to me, and from your descriptive skill (good words and sentences that fit together) I'd guess you read a lot. I would recommend thinking about your story as a whole and where it is going, then sit down and write it. I go at a page a day and it works well, lot's of time to reguvinate creativity. I also rolled around the idea in my head for six years, but you probably shouldn't do that if you've reached double digets in age. The point is, think for a while, then go slow and STEADY. Steady.



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