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   [ 37 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
special_guest

Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:01 pm
Posts: 43
Mon Sep 25, 2006 6:38 pm
((I don't know why it posted where it wasn't on my actual name))

Okay, the ending leaves me wanting more. Good job! I have a few suggestions/corrections.

The first thing I noticed was your use of the contraction "it's." "It's" means "it is," so if you're using "it's" and you can't replace it with "it is" without making the sentence awkward, it should be "its." This happened a lot through your story, so be careful when you're going back to fix it.

There are some spelling errors in the story, but just sending it through spell check should fix them.

"Three inconspicuous figures, cloaked to match the night itself, emerged soundlessly from the nearest thicket, seemingly oblivious to the countless pairs of unmoving eyes fixated upon them." Wonderful description and imagery. Incredibly long sentence. If it was me, I'd change it to something like, "Three figures, seeming to emerge from the soundless night itself, were seemingly oblivious to the countless pairs of unmoving eyes fixed upon them." I really like your imagery throughout the story. The way you portray the night and the three travelers is amazing. Just be careful about run-on sentences. Even sentences with commas can be run-ons. Run-on sentences are the bane of my existence in my writings.

"But an hour later as they reached the forest's edge, they could no longer avoid it any longer." You restated yourself. The first three sentences in this passage also seem very fragmented. I would combine them into something like, "But an hour later as they reached the forest's edge, they could no longer avoid it; weariness weighed heavily upon their limbs and exhaustion was most likely etched upon their hidden faces."

This sentence, "Only after much exertion and toil when they had reached its top, were they able to see what the hill had prevented them from seeing before." confuses me. It's awkward. Maybe something like, "Only after much exertion and toil to reach the top were they able to see what the hill had prevented them from seeing before."

Again, these are just suggestions. If you don't like what I changed, it's at your discretion. I really like the story, I really like where it's going. The imagery, again, is wonderful.

If you have any questions about anything I've said, let me know! Also, keep me updated on when you post more!



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Mon May 15, 2006 5:07 pm
Posts: 678
Sat Sep 30, 2006 8:48 am
PLEASE KEEP WRITING! Oh, wow. If I have to beg you, I will. I didn't read the whole thing, but the parts I did read caught my attention. I love how suspenseful you make the story. My suggestions:

1. Maybe you could use more paragraphs. Your story is incredible, but if you had more paragraphs, it wouldn't seem so long.
2. Some of the words are really mature... that's not a bad thing, though. You have an awesome vocabulary, but maybe you could use simpler words sometimes.
3. PLEASE finish your novel soon. I'm 100% sure that your book would get published.

Paige
paigeaniyah



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
special_guest

Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:01 pm
Posts: 43
Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:38 am
Like I said before, if you can replace "it's" with "it is" without the sentence sounding totally screwy, then you've used it right. Feel free to correct me on this, anyone. That's just what I've always been taught and have used in my writing.

I don't know how I missed the second part you posted. I guess I'm just blind :-P I'll give you some suggestions/comments on it!

Again, you have some minor spelling errors. Spell check is your friend. Grammar check is your friend too, sometimes. Grammar check will usually point out when you’ve used “it” or “it’s” incorrectly.

I started this section from the last sentence in the first part you posted, just to give me an antecedent for the "it" being unwrapped. At then end of the sentence you say, "... it unwrapped it." This is extremely ambiguous. I'd replace one of the its with the object it's referring to. Too many pronouns get confusing for the reader. And since you're referring to the characters as "it" and the object as "it", be careful. This can, and will, get very tricky. I know you're trying not to repeat yourself by saying "the leader" or "the object" a lot, so just be careful. Pronouns and antecedents are something that take a little while to master. And it always helps to have fresh eyes read your story to tell you what's confusing.

"That was when an extraordinary yet completely unnatural incident occurred." Extraordinary and unnatural are somewhat synonymous, making this sentence seem slight redundant with the word "yet" in there. "Yet" implies you're comparing two different ideas, and makes it awkward. Try putting "and" in place of "yet" to make it flow easier.

That's really all I have to say about the second part. Again, you have proved to be a master at cliffhangers :-). And I really like the imagery you use. Keep up the good work! Feel free to message me with questions about anything I've said.



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!

Joined: Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:58 pm
Posts: 1
Thu Oct 12, 2006 11:01 pm
Everything was perfect! The story is awesome, I can't wait to find out more. You also don't use dull words and you describe everything perfectly!



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
special_guest

Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:01 pm
Posts: 43
Mon Oct 23, 2006 4:30 pm
Hello again! I’m glad you’re continuing your story, I’m really enjoying reading it. I’m going to insert my comments and suggestions into the story itself inside double parentheses (()).

~~

With one aerobic leap, it dived out from behind its hiding place and snatched the fallen pendant before any of them had a chance to react. Rising from its crouched position, it began to stare greedily into the pendant's depths. ((Good.))

The creature was, in fact, human ((humanoid? Shaped like a human, yet not?)) yet she seemed entirely inhuman in nature. Her skin was smooth and flawless, like fragile glass, as if merely touching it would cause it to shatter. But what was most shocking were her eyes, which were narrow and serpent-like and an enchanting but fatal emerald green that threatened to lure anyone into their hypnotic gaze ((depths, maybe. This sentence seems to run on a bit)). Seemingly colorless hair hung off of her scalp and ended near her lower back, as wild and untamed as a deranged animal with a mind of its own. The color of her hair seemed to change depending upon the mood she was in. As she gazed feverishly at the pendant, it became a merry, exuberant yellow for a fleeting moment. Then her cunning, malignant eyes flickered over to the cloaked threesome within her midst, and it altered unpleasantly to an ominous, fearful black. ((I LOVE the hair. Wonderful imagery, wonderful idea!)) The corners of her lips curled into a slow, venomous smile, revealing pearly white teeth filed to sharp points. At the same time her eyes, gleaming with contemptuous malice, focused intently upon their hoods. An unexpected gust of wind forcefully blew their main source of protection away from their faces ((Maybe change “away form their faces” to “of their identities”)). They suddenly felt frightfully exposed, their hoods now settled upon the napes of their necks.

They were all, like the woman before them, human, but more realistically so. The leader was a female and her two companions were male. She had fiery red hair and honey colored eyes that were widened in disbelief. Bewildered, the stockier male stood next to her. His hair was reddish-brown and his bulging blue eyes gazed ((I’d use “stared” or “gaped” because “gazed” seems a little too calm.)) at the inhuman woman in profound astonishment. The last and tallest of the three seemed infuriated. With his dark hair and hazel eyes he glared at the woman with terrifying animosity. The woman, however, seemed oblivious to his unconcealed contempt. Instead, her serpentine eyes glimmered with something close to amusement.

"Gwindel seems to have directed me properly after all," she observed. "Fortunate for him, because now he will be spared the punishment I would have inflicted upon him had he not."

Two of the ((The woman and the stockier man)) travelers stood petrified, unmoved from their spot. But the third and tallest managed a defiant step forward, summuned ((summoned)) all his courage, and with all the bravado he could muster, spoke.

"Do with us what you will," he said in an unwavering voice. "But I must warn you, we have many allies stationed throughout this region, people who are willing to fight. If you so much as touch a hair upon our heads--"

She threw back her head and laughed humorlessly, her unruly hair cascading down past her shoulder blades. Finally she stopped, lifted her head back up again, and smirked at her captives. "Do you think me fool enough to believe your pathetic lies?" Here she glanced at the man who had dared speak to her. "I know you far too well for that. You think of yourself so highly that I doubt you would have even considered bringing reenforcement ((reinforcements)). Depending upon another person would have wounded the confidence you have in yourself too greatly."

The man flushed angrily but sank back into silence.

"Unfortunately for you, the unthinkable has occured ((occurred))," she continued. "You have failed, and nothing now stops me from completing the task that I should have completed a long time ago. There's no one who can help you now. Not even your good friend Gwindel."

This seemed to invoke a reaction within the man. His eyes shone with seething rage.

She shook her head solemnly. "I never thought any of you foolish enough to trust him." She paused, eyeing them all in mock disappointment. "Luckily for me, it turns out that I've been proved wrong."

"He betrayed us." The shortest man spoke for the first time with resentment in his voice.
(("He betrayed us," the shortest man said, speaking for the first time. The resentment was obvious in his voice.))

The woman trained her eyes on him, an insidious ((Good word.)) smile creeping across her thin lips. "That he did," she remarked. "That he did."

The woman traveler shifted uneasily. Leaning over towards the shorter man to her right almost imperceptibly, she whispered a few insistent words in his ear. This exchange was so brief that it went unnoticed before the serpent-woman's beady eyes, for she now had them focused back upon the tallest man of the two.

~~

Good job. I like how this is coming along. Your imagery is good. A lot of what I fixed was just problems with flow and spelling. You’re working on not making run-on sentences, and it’s showing. Keep up the good work! As always, message me with any questions you have!



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
moderator

Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 9:14 pm
Posts: 1714
Fri Dec 15, 2006 2:14 pm
Hi __booklovr__,

You've had a long wait for your stories to be posted. We hope that you continue with your talent for writing, and we'll do our best to get your stories up on the site in a timely fashion.

Thanks very much for all your input, and please don't hesitate to send more suggestions our way!

Write_It_Moderator



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
visitor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:08 pm
Posts: 51
Mon Jan 01, 2007 5:12 pm
Wow!!!!!! That ws amaizing. Like you were channeling Dickens or something. You have a great gift. I'd like to read the rest of your story. Plz put it up!!!!
---Sarahsue



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
regular_visitor

Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2006 4:31 pm
Posts: 148
Tue Jan 09, 2007 7:54 pm
WOW. I don't know what to say. OK, here it goes. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE post chapter two. I cannot wait to read it.

P.S. I know this is kind of cheap, but will everyone look at Days of the Dragons on the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Peer Review Board. It is my first story I have written, and I would really like comments. Thank you!



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!

Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:56 pm
Posts: 2
Sat Jan 13, 2007 12:10 am
I like this a lot; if it were in a bookstore, I'd totally pick it up and become addicted to it. ^_^



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!

Joined: Sat Mar 18, 2006 10:55 pm
Posts: 5
Sat Jan 13, 2007 1:13 pm
Sorry that I haven't been replying to all of you that have given me advice/suggestions. My computer is acting weird, and it won't allow me to read your posts. The Write_It_Moderator had said that they'd fixed it, but apparently they haven't.



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
special_guest

Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:01 pm
Posts: 43
Tue Jan 16, 2007 4:14 am
I’m really, really sorry I haven’t gotten to this before now. December was absolutely crazy with school, finals, and the holidays. I really want to see how your chapter ends.

Like I’ve done before, I’m just going to post my edits inside the text, inside double parenthesis (()). If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes, Gwindel was very reliable to me. And he also turned out to be very convincing as well, which happened to work to my advantage." She chuckled darkly, then waved a hand as if in dismissal. "But enough small talk. It is true that you were foolish to place your trust in my companion, but even more foolish still was your ignorance that you could handle my pendant as long as you did." She turned to the other woman within her midst and trained an accusatory glance in her direction. "If a person other than myself ((me)) has possession ((possession)) of it for so long, there are clearly going to be consequences of some kind. It cannot bear to be within a stranger's hands so long when its master remains within close proximity." She smiled complacently. "You should consider yourself fortunate that you got away so lightly, in fact. ((Good, you know the rules of continued quotation within a speech. Many people don’t know that.))

"But," she continued before either of her captives could intervene, "I am willing to forget this subject in favor of something more important, being the forgiving person that I am." She eyed both of them icily, as if daring them to challenge this statement. Neither of them did. Suddenly she halted her pacing and looked as if she had been slapped.

"Where did the third one go?" Her voice had turned dangerously soft and menacing, edged with noticeable malice. Her eyes, like two merciless daggers, were eyeing the spot that the shorter man had stood not long before. The woman opened her mouth to utter a response, but she interrupted her before any words were spoken. ((There are too many feminine pronouns here, it’s awkward. I suggest changing “but she interrupted her before” to “she was interrupted before” to clear up any confusion about the person being interrupted.))

"Never mind," she said dismissively. "This does not concern me. It just means that I shall have to punish you two more to make up for your missing companion." She smiled thinly. Her eyes narrowed in amusement, as if she were enjoying tormenting her victims with her words. Then she continued with two phrases that chilled her captives even more so than anything else she had said so far that night. Her eyes, narrowed to mere slits now, gleamed with such feriocity ((ferocity)) that again she began to resemble a serpent as she spoke.

"Long ago I promised myself that I would cause the death of you scum if it was the last thing that I did," she hissed. This only succeeded to intensify the image of the snake that she seemed to be morphing into. For once, she didn't smile after her words, glaring coldly at her victims without even feigned amusement visible in her features. "And I am loath to break my promises, especially with myself." She paused for a moment, reveling in her captives' terrified expressions. "Luckily, however, I will not have to carry this burden of my unfufilled ((unfulfilled)) promise much longer. For tonight, my vow with myself ((the vow I made with myself)) will be fufilled ((fulfilled))."

With these final words spoken, she drew herself up to her full height. Imposingly((,)) she towered above them, leering down at them from her intimidating height. Even the ((tall)) man before her seemed to diminish in the shadow cast by her looming frame.

Without warning, the hand that firmly gripped the pendant was brought forward in a violent thrust. The woman's face contorted into a grim sneer as the light issuing from within it became blinding. Then, as if unable to be kept confined any longer, it escaped.

A pale shaft of light took form, hurtling into the encroaching darkness like a merciless dagger. Unarmed and defenseless, all the two travelers could do was wait in grave ((I would use “uncertain” or “wary” here to further illustrate their fear)) silence with the knowledge of their imminent doom approaching nearer at hand.

It struck the male captive with a force that sent him staggering, clutching his chest as an excruciating pain wrent ((“wracked” or “rent” is what you’re looking for here. “Rent” is usually used for a tearing, while “wracked” is to permeate through something. )) through his body. As much as he tried to conceal it, for fear that it would instill in his assailant a sense of satisfaction that her deed had been completed successfully, he was unable to prevent a look of panic-stricken astonishment from crossing his features. In this way he collapsed, unable to fend off defeat any longer.

Abruptly, the woman with serpentine features turned to her female captive, content that her first task had been completed. The woman, who knew what was about to occur and realized with a dreaded certainty that she, like her companion, was also unable to avoid it, struggled to remain composed and keep her emotions inscrutable. For she, like her former friend, also wanted to prevent her rival from recieving ((receiving)) what ((change what to “the satisfaction,” perhaps.)) she desired. But as a second, identical shaft of light came hurtling toward her and found refuge in her chest, an anguished scream escaped unbidden from her lips. She careened backwards into a tangle of undergrowth, sprawled motionless next to her silent companion. ((Good.))

The serpent woman, striding unconcernedly over to her victims, proceeded to prod them both with the toe of her boot as if to assure herself she had been faithful to her promise. When neither stirred, she began to smirk to herself, satisfied that her task had been delivered properly.

Scanning the landscape surrounding her, her eyes rested all of a sudeen ((sudden)) upon a moderately sized boulder. Here, where she had observed the female traveler place her packaged burden before extracting the pendant, the boulder now lay vacant. Nothing remained of the two travelers' existance ((existence)) that would stir interest in the minds of any passerby but for their bodies lying deathly still on the cold and bitter earth.

Croaching ((Crouching)) low behind the cover of stunted trees, grasping the coveted parcel protectively to his chest, the stout and stocky male companioin ((companion)) was the first among all that dwelled in hiding within the forest to hear the torturous, chilling scream. Wincing, unable to bear the thought of his ally's pain while he was liberated from having to endure any, he turned his face away shamefully.

An uncontrollable rage had been brewing within him, fed by the sound of such agony. Heedless of common sense and aided by a sense of fury that he had never known existed, he would have burst forth from the undergrowth to confront his most despised enemy.

But something stopped him first. Blind as he was to what might be behind him, all he could do was speculate as to what was gripping him so fiercely. Whatever it was, it was restraining him from acting upon his urges. Thoroughly frustrated, he attempted to tear free, but to no avail. The mysterious creature was of a stronger build than him, and it succeeded to forcefully pull him back despite his protests.

Thus the man, the parcel, and the stranger itself receded from within sight, dragged back into the dark abyss of night. ((Be careful about being too dramatic with your paragraph cuts. Sometimes it’s just as effective to have one big paragraph, because the breaks throw off the reader’s rhythm. I would combine the last three paragraphs into one big one, or combine the first two and leave the third alone to keep the reader’s attention.))

It was a long while before the inhabitants of the forest gathered courage enough to venture out that night. They remained concealed within the foliage as the last of the woman's screams faded and became no longer audible. When at last they did emerge, with obvious trepidation, they realized that all their initial fears had been confirmed. Though they were unaware of the exact events that had occurred, they knew for certain one thing. There had been an unwelcome visitor in their forest.

~~~~~~~~~
Good ending, excellent cliffhanger. You make me want to turn the page, so you are doing your job as an author.

Again, many of the errors were just spelling. Your imagery is still excellent, and is improving with each installment. You are taking my suggestions and developing your writing. Good job.

If you have any questions, feel free to message or e-mail me.



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
visitor

Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2007 8:52 pm
Posts: 72
Sun Jan 28, 2007 8:14 pm
hello



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2007 7:17 pm
Posts: 371
Sun Mar 11, 2007 2:14 am
OMG THIS IS LIKE THE BEST NOVEL LIKE TOTALLY!!!! I SAY U GET THAT BOOK PUBLISHED AND THEN U BE FAMOUS WOOT!!KEEP WRITING

WOOT

_mars_266_



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
special_guest

Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:01 pm
Posts: 43
Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:59 pm
Sorry I've been away so long! I was working over the summer away from home and I didn't have internet :smileysad: I was hoping to see an update for your story! I really want to read more!



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!

Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 3
Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:21 pm
sid has no idea what this is about. allthough, i am socaily retared. i am saprised i can read. :smileyvery-happy:   XD so yea rii raa..................SLIPKNOT WORLD TOUR. STARTS!!!11 YAY! 3/3/09 DENCER CO. PEACE!



 Re: Novel I'm Working on....Comments Welcome!
new

Joined: Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:24 am
Posts: 33
Sat Aug 23, 2014 5:35 am

Where's the novel?




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