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 Ocean Story - Feedback please!!
new

Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2016 5:42 pm
Posts: 2
Tue May 10, 2016 9:30 pm

From on the sandy floor, hiding amongst the old coral cages, he watched the octopus be attacked by the shark. The shark would lunge at it, and the octopus would wriggle away to the side, squirting its ink, barely missing. The shark would shake its head, violently, aggravated that the octopus was getting away, and then surge forward at it. The octopus would always get away. It would end up spraying the shark in the face, blinding it, and then swim under a piece of coral before the shark could see that it didn’t go away in the opposite direction and start chasing it again. There was a million different endings for this certain octopus-shark fight. But, only one ended up happening this time. The octopus rounded a corner of coral as the shark surged forward on the opposite side, opening its mouth. Finding nothing besides a whiff of the water moving in a current, it quickly darted the opposite way around the coral. It opened its mouth, and the octopus hurled its body in, and was very surprised to find himself in the shark’s open mouth, not another piece of coral’s open mass. The shark had a tasty snack that day, the octopus, on the other hand, was the prey, not the predator.

Soon, the shark had swam away, leaving him to creep out from under the sand, where he had lain, watching fearfully. He had never seen anything like this in his whole life, which wasn’t very long, anyway. He turned his head around quickly to see if it was safe. When he saw that it was, he began to wonder if he should have ever come down here. Papa and Mama will have a fit when they find out I’m gone. Likely, though, they’ve already found it out. I really should have never left my home, he thought to himself. He choked back a tear. He couldn’t believe he ever left. He should have known that he shouldn’t have followed it. But that glowing body was so fascinating! He couldn’t resist it! He should have known it was a trick! Stupid Tim! Stupid, stupid Tim! He thought to himself. Finally, he made the decision to try to find his way up, and maybe he might find the coral reef, where his family lived. The only problem was that he had no idea where up was. The sand was perfectly flat for as far as he could see.

 

Back at the coral reef, Tim’s father and mother, Charles and Gloria, were searching frantically everywhere. They were asking all their neighbors and going through every nook and cranny in the coral reef that they could go through. The rest of the family, as well as their relatives and neighbors were helping with the search. Many calls such as “Timmy! Timmy! It’s Papa! Timmy come to Papa!”, “Timmy, dear! Mama’s over here!”, “Timmy! Timmy! Where are you?”, and “Tim! Tim! Come on out! We’re over here!” were heard all over the coral reef. Butterfly fish were swimming everywhere, searching. Some of the other fish around the reef helped in the search, but others just continued in their normal routine, despite the begs of the butterfly fish. The search continued the rest of the day, and on through the night. Sometime around midnight the fish began leaving, going back to their families. Charles and Gloria would not stop searching for their lost child. Around 2:00 in the morning, Gloria finally persuaded Charles to retire to their home, an old coral cage, for the rest of the morning. There was no use searching anymore; if little Tim was anywhere near the coral reef, he would have been found by now. They began to sleep for the little amount of time they had left before daybreak.

Tim knew that if he was ever going to find his way back to his home in the coral reef he would have to remember which direction he came from, but he couldn’t. The only thing he could remember was that when he left the reef he was going down. If he could only remember some landmarks on the way. There was an old sunken ship halfway covered in sand. It was to his left when he was following the jellyfish. Speaking of the jellyfish, where was it? When he was following the glowing clover shaped lines on its body he wasn’t looking at anything else. It was stupid of him, but he was entranced by it. He had swam to the deserted dead coral he was in now when the movement of the shark and the octopus had caught his eye. He was frightened and immediately ducked to the nearest hiding place was. It just happened to be the coral cage he was in now.

That morning, Gloria and Charles woke up from their neighbors moving around outside the coral rooms they called home. They were utterly exhausted but they knew they would have to get up to find food for the rest of their children. Their oldest, Lizzy, came into their room. “Dad, are you going out to get some food soon? The others are “starving”, to quote Ruthie. She’s the youngest and needs less than any of us. That means that all 4 of us will need food,” she said to Charles.

 
I'm 11 and this is one of my first stories! It's not finished yet and I really need help so can you guys give me some feedback??



 Re: Ocean Story - Feedback please!!
new

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Thu Jun 02, 2016 7:00 pm

I think it's pretty good so far.

Keep up the good work!




 Re: Ocean Story - Feedback please!!
new

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 1:52 pm
Posts: 20
Sun Jun 12, 2016 1:18 pm

It's good, but you should really put a prolouge in so we can know what Tim is, how he got to the dead coral reef, and who his family is. Is Tim a Butterfly fish?

 

                                         - amberdolphin1094




 Re: Ocean Story - Feedback please!!
new

Joined: Fri May 13, 2016 2:29 pm
Posts: 11
Wed Jun 15, 2016 12:59 am

i like it really interesting




 Re: Ocean Story - Feedback please!!
new

Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2015 8:45 pm
Posts: 21
Sat Jul 02, 2016 4:07 am

I like it! I'm a big fan of the ocean, so this is really interesting yes




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