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 Pain and Sorrow
contributor

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:05 pm
Posts: 1018
Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:48 pm

This is something I made up... so yeah....

 


Why live in pain and sorrow? The way you live your life. Would you ever change? Can't you just be the person I knew? Don't you remember? I do. I remember it like it was yesterday. That was the day we swore we would never hang out with them. We promissd. But you broke it. Everyone knows. They know they (...)skip school. Do you follow them? Don't you remeber your quote? I do. "Be the leader, not the follower". It's so hard to imagine you making that up. But you did. Don't you ever think of those days? Being happy, hanging out with people who care for you? Who wants the best for your life?


I cry every night for you. It's hard for me to belive you threw away your dreams, for them. You use to be a straight A student. Now you flunk every class. But I can't choose your path for you. You have to choose your own path. But remember pain and sorrow... is that the way you want to live your life?


 


Do you like it? Please rate it!

Message Edited by Write_It_Moderator on 01-28-2008 10:18 AM




 Re: Pain and Sorrow
special_guest

Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:42 pm
Posts: 478
Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:19 am
Dear cutie01,

Thanks for posting this! You've done a great job of communicating the emotions you're writing about, pain and sorrow, with a general sense of melancholy reflection. Beware sounding too choppy - too many incomplete or short sentences in a row keep interrupting the flow of your prose. The thoughts flow very well, and in many places the language is rhythmic. (I especially like how you open with the repeated questions and then answer the last one, linking the question and answer with the word 'remember.') I would suggest a few changes, though, such as:
- Making the second sentence complete by beginning it with 'It's.'
- 'But you broke [or betrayed?] that promise.'
- Everyone knows... what? How about, 'Everyone knows what they're like.'?
- Because of the edit in the next sentence, try replacing that second they with 'that crowd.' So it would read, 'Everyone knows what they're like. They know that crowd skips school.'
- 'Motto' might be a better word than 'quote.'
- Try following the motto with something like, 'But now you're more of a follower than I would ever have imagined possible.' (Instead of 'It's so hard to imagine...But you did.')

Good ending - you brought the opening back with the echo of 'pain and sorrow,' and the experience of reflection seems to have helped you realize that you have to thrust the responsibility for this back on the other person. It's melancholy, but it gives closure.

Keep writing and posting!
Jessica



 Re: Pain and Sorrow

Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:26 pm
Posts: 6
Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:52 pm
I TOTALLY LOVED IT!!!  It had a lot of emotion and it had really good phrasing.  I could understand exactly what you were feeling.  You also had really good word choice.  Totally a 5 rating!!!:smileyvery-happy:



 Re: Pain and Sorrow
rookie_visitor

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:36 pm
Posts: 10
Tue Sep 06, 2011 5:07 pm
good.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
             peace out.



 Re: Pain and Sorrow
visitor

Joined: Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:08 pm
Posts: 165
Sun Jan 22, 2012 12:17 am

This is REALLY good. I can just see it, being performed somewhere... you really captured your melancholy in your words and kept the theme "Pain and Sorrow" throughout the whole thing. FIVE STARS!!! ;)

~Isisghost3

Have fun. But most importantly... ADD ME!!!




 Re: Pain and Sorrow
new

Joined: Sat Mar 24, 2012 11:19 am
Posts: 1
Sat Mar 24, 2012 11:53 am

First off, please change the title. I know to you it sounds deep and emotional but it is a cleched, overly used phrase that comes across as cheesey (no offence). Some of it doesn't seem to be relivent and alot of the sentances need better linking and repolishing. Another thing, it doesnt sound like pain and sorrow, it sounds like the life of an ordinary teenager. Pain and sorrow is so much more than the falling out of a friend. In actuallity, it sounds like your the one thats sad.....but anyway....ending on a good note. It was good. There are some real great ideas in your poem, you just need to extend them. After that, it would be a FANTASTIC piece of writting smiley




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