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   [ 2 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK!!!!
new

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Mon Jun 06, 2016 3:33 pm

So...this story is called Crouching Dragon. Please give feedback! I need it.

Laura sighed with relief. It was all just a dream. It wasn't real. She got up from her chair and walked over to her desk.

What she saw there made her freeze.

Laura, you are wanted. Turn yourself in to us, or the consequences will be grave.

We'll give you some time to think about it. But only until 6:20 tonight.

Then we are coming for you.

-Mr. Unknown


 

Beside the note, she found a small blue orb with smaller, different colored orbs on top of it. She grabbed it and put it in her pocket. She still didn't know why, but she did, and she walked downstairs to eat breakfast.

But before she could walk out into the hallway, she heard her mother shriek from downstairs. Mr. Unknown! thought Laura. She began to run as fast as she could down the stairs. She's come for my family!

She reached the kitchen to see Mr. Unknown holding her mother by the shirt collar, with an evil grin on his face. Her older sister sat shocked at one of the chairs at the dinner table, her brown eyes brimming with fear. Laura felt afraid, and she reached into her pocket and touched the weird orb thing she had found on the desk. Laura was suddenly drained of all emotion except anger and the feeling of exhilaration. She felt her legs stretch into a fighting stance, and the orb morphed into a colorful bracelet made up of different metals, which tightened around her wrist.

Mr. Unknown dropped Laura's mother in shock. "What..." he stuttered. "How..."

Laura felt her hands tighten into wrists. "You are haunting me and my family. You have almost taken my Mom. Now you're going to pay." her voice was sharp and threatening.

It was time to fight.

Mr. Unknown had caught himself by now, and he curled his fists and lowered himself into the fighting stance as well. But Laura was already there. She threw two punches at Mr. Unknown's face while he put his hand on it in agony. Then she brought her foot around and kicked Mr. Unknown out the window.

The window shattered, and glass rained down upon the street while Mr. Unknown tried to stand up, apparently in pain. Her school's bus stop was right here, and her classmates gawked at Mr. Unknown. But as he pushed himself on his feet, Laura gave a war cry as she hurdled out the broken window and put two fists to his chest.

Laura's classmates gasped as Mr. Unknown flew backward again, and he hit a brick wall. He tried to stand up again, holding his stomach in agony, but Laura flew forward, grabbed his shirt collar, and forced him against the wall with a furious expression on her face.

"Mr. Unknown," She said with a voice as hard, sharp, and unwavering as a steel sword, "If you come back here again, I will break of your arm, your leg..." she hesitated. "Hmm...maybe even your head!" she shouted. Mr Unknown put up his arms.

"Okay, okay, I swear I will never haunt your family again!" he yelped in submission. Laura stared at Mr. Unknown's green eyes, her fiery eyes glowing orange, dangerous, and unforgiving.

"You swear?" growled Laura.

"I swear." said a frightened Mr. Unknown. Laura let go of his shirt, and he ran down the alley as fast as his legs could carry him. Laura's other feelings except fear flooded back in her veins, but one stood out: the feeling of triumph, one she hadn't had in a while. She turned to her friend Shiri, who was standing stock still with an expression of mangled astonishment and curiosity. She opened her mouth and stuttered as she spoke.

"L..L...Laura? H..How did you d...do t..that?" Laura stood, feeling proud for a few seconds, then she replied.

"Because I found a strange object, and..." she hesitated as she tugged on the bracelet. "...I can't pull it off! It's tightened on my wrist!" she finished. Her conversation was cut off when her mom called from the kitchen.

"Laura! You need to get ready for school!" yelled her mom. "I made you scrambled eggs!"

"Coming!" called Laura. She walked into the kitchen as she thought, Mr. Unknown won't bother me again, but if he does, I'll be ready.

Because I'm Crouching Dragon!

So PLEASE give feedback. I really need to know if this is going to be a good book.

-Dragoncrown485




 Re: PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK!!!!
new

Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2015 1:51 am
Posts: 14
Tue Aug 02, 2016 1:04 am

Ok, my honest opinion is: This needs to not happen so quickly. Give that scence time to develop instead of going right into it (I do it ALL THE TIME believe me). Keep at it though!         -Breeze




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