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 please help i need feedback!!!
new

Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:28 am
Posts: 12
Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:04 pm

Chapter One:

            This looked like nothing but trouble to me. There was Payton Winters, fighting the feared beast! I (Avalon Blake) was preparing for battle.

            “Avalon, HELP!!!” there was Payton; I had to get out there.

            I was running as hard and fast as I could, she needed me.

            “Avalon, where are you?” Payton was screaming again. As I peeked out around the corner I saw her. On the ground, hurt just laying there. I knew she would protect herself the best she could… but I had to protect her better. I grabbed my weapon of choice, my bow and giant quiver of arrows.

            I grabbed a sword for Payton and started running again. I was out of sight of the beast but I could easily see it. Payton could see me and got the message to keep calling my name.

            “Avalon!? Are you here?” she was over playing it… a lot. While I was aiming and sending arrow after arrow through the air I thought that I was doing pretty good. I got about one of every three hits and I still had a lot of arrows left.

            By the time I was down to my last ten arrows, the beast was almost dead anyway. I had been able to get in its sights and I didn’t really care. By the time I was  down to my last arrow I didn’t think that I  would be able to kill it, and if we didn’t kill it our town wouldn’t survive for much longer. I was working side by side with Payton. She would run around its legs and then while I was distracting it then she would stab it from behind. We had a pretty good system worked out.

            Anyway… my last arrow, my last shot, if all else failed I could pursue Payton’s path and learn how to handle a dagger or sword, but I REALLY didn’t want to, and not with this little amount of time to learn it in. So last shot, I aimed for its weakest point. Payton was distracting it for me, and as I focused on the bow and arrow, I sent it flying through the air. And it landed straight into the middle of his neck, right where I aimed for. And as it turned around to see who had been attacking it with arrows I ran toward it with a dagger I kept strapped across my leg, just in case I ever ran out of arrows before I was ready to.

             And as I was running toward it with the special dagger that I had gotten from my mom (more about her later) it picked me up.

            “Avalon this wasn’t supposed to happen,” she managed to say even though this beast had us in a death grip.

            “I think that I realized that thank-you very much Miss. Observant,” I breathed to her through this squeeze that almost crushed my ribcage.

            “What do we do now?” she asked me. And I hadn’t wanted to answer this way but I guess that I kind-of had to. “I don’t know, Payton. I didn’t think that we would end this way but if we have to…”

            And all of the sudden the monster fell to the ground. “What the heck was that?” Payton asked me. “I honestly do NOT know what that was.” I answered back to her.

          Chapter Two:

            “You are welcome ladies.” A young man stepped out from behind the foul (and finally dead) creature.

            “Who ARE you?” Payton stepped up and rudely said. “Payton, really? This kind man just saved our lives so to thank him you are just going to…?”

            “Relax, its fine I think that I’d want to know the name of the person who saved my life. Oh, and by the way my name is Axel. Axel Beckman, so what are your names?”

            “Oh! Well I am Payton Winters and this is my best friend, Avalon Blake. Avalon, say hi!”

            Payton was obviously love smitten, I couldn’t blame her though. He was very attractive. He had rich, dirty blonde hair and very lovely, hazel eyes. He was muscular and was wearing a backwards Yankees baseball cap.

            “So Axel, why were you even here?” Payton was SO interested in him that it was disgusting.

            “Yeah why where you in a dark and deserted forest right near Graywood?” (Graywood was the name of our town.) I asked Axel because, I really did want to know.

            “Well, I heard about the big monster, and that two 13 year old girls were going I thought, ‘they are probably going to need my help’. I’ve heard about that thing before and understood that it wasn’t very friendly. I recently lost my father to it, so by killing it I knew that he wouldn’t die in vain.” Wow this guy had a really deep back story that even I was surprised when I heard it!

            “Well that’s really great that you saved us in memory of your dad! Thank you so much for saving us, we would’ve been monster bait if it weren’t for you! You are awesome.” Payton was really kissing up now. Even though I agreed with her completely she added so much embellishment into her voice that it was ridiculous.

            “Well then where are you headed off to now?” Axel was very talkative.

            “Oh Payton and I,” (I had to get back into the conversation) “were going back to Graywood.”

            “Oh yeah, you should come back with us, maybe get a hotel room and stay for a couple nights? Graywood is very interesting, we have a new science museum, and…”Payton was on a roll but Axel stopped her there. “I actually live over in Southwick just about 15 minutes out of here. So I should probably get going home in a little bit, bye!” and with that he left.

 

 Chapter Three:

                “Wow, that guy was cute! I have got to get his number.” I was correct… love.

            “Payton… SNAP OUT OF IT!!! I understand that he was kind of attractive but you went full stocker-mode on him.” She wasn’t taking this very well.

            “Oh please I was not going stocker-mode on him. And I just think that he is very interesting. That’s all, no stocker here. Do you think he liked me?” Can she spell desperate, because she certainly can show it?

            “Let’s just move on from that, what do you say?” I had to at least try to be supportive and frankly I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

            “Okay why don’t we just blow right past it? But if he asks you if you’re single you aren’t. Got it? He’s mine!” Oh my, Payton really wanted Axel.

            “Alright boy-crazy monster.” It was true and you aren’t supposed to lie.

            “Hey! It’s in the past, okay?”

            “Okay.” Boy, when she’s man hungry she can’t see a lick of sarcasm. “We should get going home. It’s getting really dark.” And I really meant it this time, I absolutely hate being in the woods at night time.

            “Okay I hate the woods!” finally something that Payton and I have in common. “Alright, I’ve had enough of this for now. All I need now is sleep,” when Payton got tired she started to complain… this was not going to be pretty. “Is it cold out here or is it just me?” and here came the complaints.

            “No it’s not just you, I am freezing, and we should get going soon,” I replied to her, finally getting off the topic of Axel.  Then after some persuading on my part to Payton we finally left.

 

Chapter Four:

                So some more on my mom.  My mom worked as a janitor at one of the local schools, and I know what you are probably thinking… not the most glamorous jobs, but it paid the bills so it was fine with us.  It was only my mom while I was growing up.  Dad left when I was 3 years old so I can’t really remember him but that doesn’t really bother me.  But for 10 years so my life, my mom and I have been facing the world together.  Kids at school always used to ask me, “What do your parents do for work?” and I always calmly replied “Well my dad is dead and my mom is a janitor at the high school.” After word got around that my mom worked with garbage I suddenly lost any and all of my friends, very quickly too.  Apparently when your mom works as a janitor you are one of the “not cool” kids.  It doesn’t really bug me because I've got Payton and we’ll always have each other, so matter what happens, and I'm really glad that we’re best friends. I'm glad that I still have my mom too, if I didn’t have her I don’t know what I’d do, she helps me with any and everything that I might need help with whether sharpening me knife or helping me get arrows.

(ps its not finished yet please help and reply!wink)




 Re: please help i need feedback!!!
new

Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 10:33 pm
Posts: 8
Wed Sep 24, 2014 10:55 pm

Awesome! please write more!




 Re: please help i need feedback!!!
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:40 am

Hey! Welcome! This is pretty good! You've clearly put a lot of heart into it.

 

Some ideas that will take your writing even further:

  • Avoid passive voice -- i.e. where you use the word "was". Find other active verbs and rearrange your sentence to make your writing even more exciting and put the reader in the moment.
  • Stay in the moment -- don't go off explaining things like you do in Chapter 4. Let those things be explained as they become relevant -- in the moment. Staying in the action will, again, engage your reader a lot more.

 

Good luck to you! And keep working. :)

 

Kira

Write It Mentor




 Re: please help i need feedback!!!
new

Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:28 am
Posts: 12
Tue Oct 28, 2014 9:22 pm

Thanks so much arrowwarrior5 and dolphinwriter for the aweome feedback i have some more written but i need to fix it.

Thanks again!

-spiritedsoftball20-




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