Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 8 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 11:08 am
Posts: 16
Mon May 19, 2014 8:07 am
I'm kind of new to stacks, so this is my first post. Here is the first chapter to a story I started writing a few weeks ago. Tell me what you guys think, and could you reccomend some titles for me? Thanks! Chapter 1 I woke up early that morning.
It was around 7 o'clock on Saturday May 29. The first day of summer vacation. The sun had already risen, and I could see the pale Miami light filtering through the gap in my white lace curtains. I pushed back the pale blue blankets on my bed and sat up. I listened to the rhythmic hum of the air conditioner and looked down at the foot of my bed. My gray miniature poodle, Louie, was curled up in a small ball of fuzz. His back rose and fell with every breath. I reached down and ran my fingers through his silky fur.
"Hey boy, do you need to go potty?"
He looked up at me and yawned. Louie's eyes were dark and as I looked at the small dog I imagined his answer,
"Just five more minutes? Then I'll go out." I picked Louie up gently.
"Come on lazy bones." I said. I swung my legs out from under the covers and padded across the plush beige carpet that covered my floor.
I walked out into the hall and down the stairs to the first floor. I walked to the back of the house and let Louie pad through the doggy door into the fenced in backyard. As I watched him sniff the grass I absent-mindedly rubbed my hands over the inside of my wrist.
There, on the skin below my left palm a small circle about the size of a quarter forever resided. It was brown and mottled, like an old scar or birthmark, but it was perfectly round, so round that I had a hard time believing I was born with it. Most of the time the patch of skin looked a shade darker than my tan skin, but sometimes I thought it changed colors. I often imagined I could see letters of some other language appear there.
Once, when I was at my friend's pool we were seeing who could hold their breath the longest. I took a few deep breathes and plunged under the water, while I sat at the bottom of the pool I examined my scar. The skin looked like it had turned a sea green, and after a minute my lungs started screaming for air. I closed my hand over my wrist as I was about to push of the pool floor. The minute my fingers touched the scar I felt like I had just refilled my lungs with oxygen.
I stayed under water until the ambulance came.
When the doctors examined me I was perfectly fine. I asked them how long I had stayed under the water and the answer was shocking; I had been holding my breathe, so they said, for 17 minutes, but it had only felt like a few seconds to me. I almost felt like I was breathing the water I was so comfortable. The doctors were baffled.
Strange super-human events like this happened to me all the time. My "survival incidents" as my family liked to call them, ranged from surviving an avalanche at a ski resort, to swimming at the beach with a cut during shark season.
I shook my head and came back to the present. Louie had just walked through the dog door and rubbed against my legs. "Come on boy." I picked up the feather light dog and ran up the steps to my room. I set Louie on the bed and perused my closet for an outfit. In the end I chose to throw on some jean shorts and a light yellow t-shirt. By the time I had put on my socks and yellow converse I could hear my parents talking to our personal chef. I sprinted down the stairs leaving my bedroom door open in case Louie felt the need to follow.
Two syrupy pancakes and an orange juice later I was playing in the yard with my dog. I had just looked up from playing fetch to see Riley, my best friend and neighbor walking towards me. She wore a red jumper and her dirty blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She always said she wished she had my curly dark hair, and I always disagreed; it was a nightmare to style. "Hey Iris!" She yelled "How was your birthday!" She walked onto my yard and gave me a hug.
"Good, I had 12 candles and all the colors of the rainbow iced on my cake." I explained, my name after all was Iris, after the Greek rainbow goddess "I was sad you couldn't come."
"Yeah, I had dentist's appointment." She pointed to her multi colored braces,
"But I did get you a present." She handed me a small box wrapped in what felt and looked like sea green silk. The material flowed through my hands like water when I unwrapped the gift. I gently folded the fabric and moved on to the present. In my hand lay a small box, I popped it open and gasped. Inside nestled in red velvet was a silver locket with lace like filigree. I picked it up out of the box and caught my breath. The silver seemed to take on multiple shapes depending on how I looked at it. First I thought it was a heart like most lockets, but on a second look it seemed more like a circle. It was a masterpiece of jewelry, so beautiful I almost thought it was magic.
"Thank you Riley, it's beautiful!" I gave her a hug so tight I thought I might crush her. "Where did you find it?" She smiled and smoothed her red jumper. "I told my gran about your birthday. After she heard your name she knew exactly what to give you."
"Tell her I love it!" I clipped the necklace around my neck and put the folded silk wrapping into the box. I picked up Louie smiled at my friend. "So Riles, what do you want to do today?" Two hours later my parents' chauffeur/bodyguard Hestia drove us to the museum. My parents had to go to their jobs as historians so Hestia was supervising us. Riley and I walked ahead of her up the marble steps to the museum. Although only lived in the Miami suburbs my family didn't visit the museum much, as our whole house basically was one with all of the ancient artifacts lying around.
"So, what do you wanna see first girls?" Hestia had caught up with us, "The dinosaurs? The cavemen? Or maybe the visiting exhibit?" I thought about, I had already seen most of the exhibits when I had come last time a few months ago. "I think I would like to see the visiting exhibit, how 'bout you Riles?" She smiled at the use of her nickname, "That would be good, then maybe you won't know everything about it from your parents." I agreed and we walked hand in hand into the museum.



 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 11:08 am
Posts: 16
Sun May 25, 2014 2:16 am

Oh, and I probably should have said his before, but if you have any constructive comments, then I would love to hear them! :-) Thanks for reading!

brainyelf38




 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Sun May 25, 2014 11:34 pm
Posts: 1
Tue May 27, 2014 10:02 am

Love this story! I can't wait for you to post more. I think this is an awesome and you should try to publish this.smiley

-silverhorse265




 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 8:59 pm
Posts: 42
Sat May 31, 2014 12:02 pm

wow, that was pretty good, way better than i can do. hmm... i see why you need help thinking up a tile. maybe, umm.. how about...  wow i have no idea. il keep thinkung




 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 11:08 am
Posts: 16
Fri Jun 06, 2014 1:53 am

Thank you @creekclimbing11 and @silverhorse265 I really appreciate your comments. I'll post the next chapter today. You keep thinking @creekclimbing11 and I'll keep writing.smiley

Brainyelf38




 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 11:08 am
Posts: 16
Tue Jun 10, 2014 2:43 am

BTW I posted Chapter 2 under Chapter Two of Iris's Story.

smileyBrainyelf38




 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
new

Joined: Tue May 13, 2014 11:08 am
Posts: 16
Tue Jun 10, 2014 2:53 am

Ok I just made a mistake. Mod if you read this (well of course you'll read it) can you please not post the last edit of Chapter 1? That was from my second draft where she was a millionaire, but I decided not to go with that one. Sorry! blush It doesn't really change the first chapter much, but the things said in the first chapter affect things later in the story. Thanks!

Here is my actual edit. (The third draft) Sorry again for the confusion.

Chapter 1
     I woke up early that morning.
It was around 7 o'clock on Saturday May 29. The first day of summer vacation. The sun had already risen, and I could see the pale Miami light filtering through the gap in my white lace curtains. My worn pointe shoes were hanging with my dance bag. I pushed back the pale blue blankets on my bed and sat up. I listened to the rhythmic hum of the air conditioner and looked down at the foot of my bed. My gray miniature poodle, Louie, was curled up in a small ball of fuzz. His back rose and fell with every breath. I reached down and ran my fingers through his silky fur. 
"Hey boy, do you need to go potty?"
He looked up at me and yawned. Louie's eyes were dark and as I looked at the small dog I imagined his answer,
 "Just five more minutes? Then I'll go out." I picked Louie up gently.
 "Come on lazy bones." I said. I swung my legs out from under the covers and padded across the plush beige carpet that covered my floor. 
I walked out into the hall and down the stairs to the first floor. I walked to the back of the house and let Louie pad through the doggy door into the fenced in backyard. As I watched him sniff the grass I absent-mindedly rubbed my hands over the inside of my wrist.                 
     There, on the skin below my left palm a small circle about the size of a quarter forever resided. It was brown and mottled, like an old scar or birthmark, but it was perfectly round, so round that I had a hard time believing I was born with it. Most of the time the patch of skin looked a shade darker than my tan skin, but sometimes I thought it changed colors. I often imagined I could see letters of some other language appear there. 
     Once, when I was at my friend's pool we were seeing who could hold their breath the longest. I took a few deep breathes and plunged under the water, while I sat at the bottom of the pool I examined my scar. The skin looked like it had turned a sea green, and after a minute my lungs started screaming for air. I looked down at my wrist and almost sucked in chlorinated pool water. Perhaps it was just the lighting, but the skin of my scar looked sea blue. I reached out to touch it, my lungs burning. The minute my fingers touched the scar I felt like I had just refilled my lungs with oxygen. 
     I stayed under water until the ambulance came.
     When the doctors examined me I was perfectly fine. I asked them how long I had stayed under the water and the answer was shocking; I had been holding my breathe, so they said, for 17 minutes, but it had only felt like a few seconds to me. I almost felt like I was breathing the water I was so comfortable. The doctors were baffled.
     Strange super-human events like this happened to me all the time. My "survival incidents" as my family liked to call them, ranged from surviving an avalanche at a ski resort, to falling off the balcony (I was dancing) and landing gently.
     I shook my head and came back to the present. Louie had just walked through the dog door and rubbed against my legs. "Come on boy." I picked up the feather light dog and ran up the steps to my room. I set Louie on the bed and perused my closet for an outfit. In the end I chose to throw on some jean shorts and a light yellow t-shirt. By the time I had put on my socks and yellow converse I could hear my parents talking. I sprinted down the stairs leaving my bedroom door open in case Louie felt the need to follow. 
     Two syrupy pancakes and an orange juice later I was playing in the yard with my dog. I had just looked up from playing fetch to see Riley O'Neil, my best friend and neighbor walking towards me. I liked Riley because, unlike other people, she has never pointed out that I look nothing like the rest of my family. I had tan skin and dark brown, almost black, eyes. With their stick straight hair, light skin, freckles, and blue eyes my family and I looked completely unrelated. Which was odd, as I have never been told I was adopted. Most of the time I just assumed  that somewhere out there, maybe some distant relative looked like me.
 I shook my head  and came back to reality.  Riley was walking forwards me. She wore a red jumper and her dirty blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She always said she wished she had my curly dark hair, and I always disagreed; it was a nightmare to style.
"Hey Iris!" She yelled "How was your birthday?" She walked onto my yard and gave me a hug.
"Good, I had 12 candles and all the colors of the rainbow iced on my cake." I explained, my name after all was Iris, after the Greek rainbow goddess "I was sad you couldn't come."
"Yeah, I had dentist's appointment." She pointed to her multi colored braces, "But I did get you a present." She handed me a small box wrapped in what felt and looked like sea green silk. The material flowed through my hands like water when I unwrapped the gift. I gently folded the fabric and moved on to the present. In my hand lay a small box that seemed to have a rainbow sheen that covered it's black surface. I felt around the sides and popped open a silver latch. Inside nestled in red velvet was a silver locket with lace like filigree. I picked it up out of the box and caught my breath. The silver seemed to take on multiple shapes depending on how I looked at it. First I thought it was a heart like most lockets, but on a second look it seemed more like a circle. It was a masterpiece of jewelry, so beautiful I almost thought it was magic.
"Thank you Riley, it's beautiful!" I gave her a hug so tight I thought I might crush her. "Where did you find it?" She smiled and smoothed her red jumper. "I told my gran about your birthday. After she heard your name she knew exactly what to give you."
"Tell her I love it!" I clipped the necklace around my neck and put the folded silk wrapping into the box. I picked up Louie smiled at my friend. "So Riles, what do you want to do today?"
Two hours later my sister Hestia drove us to the museum. My parents had to go to their jobs as historians so Hestia was supervising us.  Riley and I walked ahead of her up the marble steps to the museum. Although only lived in the Miami suburbs my family didn't visit the museum much, as our whole house basically was one with all of the ancient artifacts lying around. 
"So, what do you wanna see first girls?" Hestia had caught up with us, "The dinosaurs? The cavemen? Or maybe the visiting exhibit?" I thought about, I had already seen most of the exhibits when I had come last time a few months ago. "I think I would like to see the visiting exhibit, how 'bout you Riles?" She smiled at the use of her nickname, "That would be good, then maybe you won't know everything about it from your parents." I agreed and we walked hand in hand into the museum.



 Re: Please help me think of a title. CODED
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Tue Jun 17, 2014 4:05 am

Ah, HERE'S the first chapter.

Your edit looks very nice. Your flow is improved, for sure, although you need to continue to watch out for falling into a repeated pattern of "I did this and this." That'll make it all sound boring. Also, watch your comma usage.

The pacing, upon having read this, does seem to be a bit fast. Give us some more hints in chapter two before revealing that the witch really is a witch. We need a little space to adapt to a new and amazing world of magic, and so does your character!

Nice work!

Kira

Unofficial Adult Advisor for Write It!




Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 8 posts ] Average score:  


cron
PRS © 2008 PRS Team