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 PLZ GIVE ME CRITISISM!!!!!!
new

Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 12:17 pm
Posts: 32
Mon Dec 05, 2016 1:00 am

Butterflies seemed to create a tornado, pounding against the walls of my chest. I walked up to the stage. I wasn’t Lillian Vault anymore, I was Gertrude Flint. Artist’s daughter. Breathe in, breathe out. I sighed and faced the teachers. I looked down at the paper they had given to me, only to be reminded once again that I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. “No, James,” I said, reading off the script. “I’m going to become an artist, like my father. I’m going to inherit his mansion and I’m going to marry a prince just like Cinderella did. Then we’ll have 12 babies and we’ll name them Eliza, Jane, Hugo, Sloan, Phillip-” The teacher (who was playing as James) said, “Ger, you’re not going to. That’s just in fairytales.” I folded my arms just like Gertrude the three year old was supposed to. I stomped my foot. “But I want to!” “Thank you Lilly, you can sit down.” said Ms. Jones. I breathed a sigh of relief and handed the script to Wanda, who was next in line. She mouthed a quiet thank you and I stepped off stage.

The rest of the week passed by in a blur. I only wanted to find out who I was for the play. I would always take the long way to my classes so I could take a peek at the bulletin board, where they said they would post the cast.

On Monday November 12th, I passed by the bulletin board to see a group of people, who were high-fiving each other to biting back tears, gathered around the board. I dropped my things and rushed to the board. What I found was surprising.

 
 

Main female role: Casey

Jinelly Siaz

Main male role: James

Zac Lin

James’ brother: Mickey

Walter Hayze

Casey’s friend: Maryellen

Lillian Vault

Casey’s friend: Sofia

Rowan Mandy

Ms. Lonfer

Sadie Winters

James’ sister: Gretchen

Fallon Genter

Principal Pike

Dylan Montezii

Casey’s Cat

Rachel Gong

Extras

Ollie Sanders

 

Jackson Grate

 

Willow Sanders

 

Clover Sanders

 

Arianna Sloan

 

Hugo LaRue

 

Meghan Sol

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was casted as Casey’s friend, not James’ sister. I wanted to be James’ sister, not Maryellen. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, what was I supposed to do? I knew Gretchen’s role more than I knew Maryellen’s! My stomach hurt. I didn’t eat lunch that day.




 Re: PLZ GIVE ME CRITISISM!!!!!!
new

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:23 am
Posts: 18
Fri Feb 24, 2017 12:48 am

It sounds really good! I can't tell you EXACTLY what to change, but I would show more emotion. It just seems like a dry dialogue. But other wise, it's REALLY GOOD!




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