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 Punctuation Emergency
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Joined: Tue Nov 17, 2015 10:19 pm
Posts: 1
Tue Nov 17, 2015 10:27 pm

I usually write children's plays, but am trying a book for fun.  MUCH different lol  I came across a tricky sentence that I'm not sure how to punctuate.  Was hoping someone could help me!  Here is the sentence:

As she felt the rays of sun slowly engulf her, all she could see was Pier’s limp body tossed over Wolf Man’s shoulder, Pier’s unnaturally bent arm bouncing lifelessly behind the Shadow Man’s retreating form, Pier’s blood dripping onto the stones of the dark alleyway, Pier’s grubby, unremarkable face disappearing into the shadows.  She screamed one last time, then everything went black.

It's meant to be dramatic so it's hard to know how to punctuate it without losing the feeling of the words.  Here is the sentence in more context:

As her captor dropped the knife, Arina quickly turned, slipped out of his grasp, and desperately began running for the opening of the alley where she could see the sunlight peeking through.  If she could just get to the light…

Arina had almost reached the sunlit street when she heard one of the men yell, “There!  On the roof!  Come here you mangy little gutter rat!”

 Arina heart lurched and she turned just in time to see a dagger fly through the air and hit a small shadow above.  To her horror, down dropped Pier with the dagger through his shoulder.  Pier’s slingshot fell with him and he hit the ground with a small thud. 

“Pier!” Arina screamed as the world around her seemed to flip upside down.  She heard muted shouts behind her and vaguely felt hands trying to pull her into the marketplace, but her vision was only filled with Pier.  As she felt the rays of sun slowly engulf her, all she could see was Pier’s limp body tossed over Wolf Man’s shoulder, Pier’s unnaturally bent arm bouncing lifelessly behind the Shadow Man’s retreating form, Pier’s blood dripping onto the stones of the dark alleyway, Pier’s grubby, unremarkable face disappearing into the shadows.  She screamed one last time, then everything went black.




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