Post Work in Progress for Peer Review


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 3 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Rising Storm, hope you like! I need lots of opinons!

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Thu May 19, 2016 3:23 pm's my story, I hope you like it, and if you have opinions, please share them!


Chapter 1: Round 1


Drums pounded in my ears, tearing me to wakefulness. I sat up with dim sunlight pouring on my face. My back started to ache, and I noticed that I was laid on a hard board. I was in a dimly lit room, and I heard the same drums pounding from behind a door in front of me. A piece of parchment was nailed to the door, with Roman writing painted on it. I took a closer look and saw that the word in Roman language meant “darefighter”.

Oh no. I thought. Not a darefighter! A feeling of dread rose in my chest and threatened to come out of my body. Not one darefighter who had gone in there had ever come out alive, if they came out at all. And I was one of them!

I sat back on the board and ran my hands over my goosebumps, trying to calm my nerves. I began to think about the strategy I would need. I would need all the speed I could get, so I would immediately ditch a helmet. I would take leather armor. I wouldn't go out there without a sword.

I kept thinking for a few seconds, then a second door on the right wall opened, and a beefy black man wearing iron armor stomped in the room. “You'll be going in the ring in ten minutes.” he growled in his deep voice. “So I suggest you get ready.”



I walked down the hall wearing tough leather armor. The sound of my boots echoed off the granite walls. I felt like a rabbit. Senses alert and ready to fight.

I could feel the deep drums pounding, vibrating through my body, my heart pounding along with them. The sound of people cheering was muffled, like a cloth covering a person's mouth. I could see the pair of huge oak doors, detailed with gold, in front of me. I stood in front of them for a few seconds until with a creak, the servants in front of me pushed them open.

Immediately, the sound of cheering intensified, like a cloth being removed from my ears. The drum's beating intensified as well, and my heart skipped and fluttered along with the beat. Boom-boom-baddada-boom-boom-baddada-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-baddada echoed and vibrated in my bones. My muscles stiffened and tensed, and they seemed to get ready to fight, along with my ears and my eyes. I would need all my senses functional in this fight. I could see the announcer step onto the pulpit overlooking the ring and unroll a scroll.

On this day, May eighth of year 360 AD, we come forward onto the stands to witness...” I could see the announcer pause, as if giving a moment of silence for the effect. He continued after a few seconds. ”THE GLADIATOR RING!!!”

The crowd cheered, turning the sound at the stands around the arena into a roar of a cheer, blocking out all other sound. The announcer raised a hand, silencing the crowd. He began to speak again. “The first event shall be the grapple of darefighter Oblivian and a monster randomly picked from the iron cage....” He began to rattle off the names of every monster in the cage, and I peeked at the creatures roaring behind the metal bars.

I saw a various selection of monsters, some faces being of wolves, some being different ones, like hawks. One thing stood in common, though, they all had black and white fur, glowing red eyes, and some even had a bit of yellow in their fur. One darefighter got in easy because he was pitted against a giant monstrous slug. It had no weapons, and it was killed easily. But the darefighter was killed by a knifethrower in the second round, leaving his first and last moment of glory behind.

The announcer had finished speaking by now, and he rolled up the scroll and stepped down from the pulpit. I saw a few men pull ropes connected to a net, and the net was hanging down into the cage. After a few tense seconds, the men pulled on the ropes, pulling a creature entangled in the net up for all to see.

Crud. Aren't I out of luck.

It was a blackfang, a giant spider with fangs one feet and six inches long and as wide as the Olympian torches, and it was three times my height and six times my width. It roared and lashed out at the net, trying to break free. I was almost petrified. Was there any way I could beat this thing? I was fast, but its fangs were fast too. And they were as poisonous as a four minute snake's venom. I heard the announcer's voice from here, calling all the way from the top of the stadium.

Get ready!” I tightened my grip on my sheathed iron sword. Time slowed down. “Get set!” The servants at my side retreated, and I saw the blackfang's many eyes swing in my direction as it noticed me. I heard my heart beating in my chest. “GO!”

Immediately, the other two servants who had pulled up the net cut the ropes they were holding, and the blackfang tumbled into the ring. It shook off the net, stood up, and roared as it started to run toward me, fangs outstretched. I snapped out of my ready stance when it was two feet away from me.

I dodged just in time, and the blackfang smashed into the wall. Debris rained into the sandy combat arena. But it regained its breath a moment later, and it turned around to face me. Its red eyes glowed hatred towards me. I had unsheathed my iron sword and was facing it in its hostile red eyes. It started to run toward me again, its long legs in a flurry. Before long, it had caught up to me. I ducked, and before it could bite me, I stabbed it right on its underside soft spot.

It roared, in pain. But I wasn't done yet. I put my feet on the already fatal wound, making the blackfang roar even more, and I pushed off that spot and jumped with my sword blade facing away from me. I spun in the air, slicing repeatedly into the blackfang's weak underside flesh.

The blackfang screeched in agony. I could tell that I had done serious damage to it. I suddenly had the wind knocked out of me as one of the blackfang's legs rammed into my chest. I sat on the arena floor, panting, until I heard the blackfang's legs go thud thud thud until it reached me, and its fangs unsheathe from its mouth with a shing. I snapped back to action, my instincts screaming to block the fangs before they pierced my skin. I put my sword forward just in time as I heard a clang. I heard a scraping sound until I lifted one eye open.

The blackfang's pair of fangs were rubbing against my sword, making sparks. It was screeching in frustration. I waited in anticipation, my muscles tense. One. I counted. Two. THREE!

On three, I jumped upward, the blackfang's fangs stabbing into the arena sand, and I maneuvered myself to land on the blackfang's head. I was almost at my target until it pulled its fangs out from the sand. I sliced with my eyes closed, hearing the blackfang scream and feeling my legs land on the sandy floor of the arena. I opened them to see a fang severed from the blackfang's head, and a whitish stump where it used to be. I grabbed the fang, making the blackfang roar, insulted, and started to dash to the other side of the arena, the blackfang giving chase. By now my lungs felt like sandpaper was being rubbed inside them. I stopped running and turned around when I got to the other side of the arena.

The blackfang was catching up and screeched in victory when it noticed that I had stopped running. It had caught up to me in a matter of seconds, lifted its remaining fang, and stabbed its head forward. I blocked it with my sword and started to slide under the blackfang. Seeing the previous wounds under the blackfang's armor, signaled by the long, deep gashes, I lifted by other hand back and stabbed the fang into the blackfang's underside flesh. It roared and started to collapse onto the floor once I had ran to another area of the arena with the fang in my hand, and I began to wait for the poison to take its toll.

One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes. All the while watching the blackfang screech in agony in the background. Finally, at four minutes flat, it hit the arena floor with a thud and lay still.

The seats were quiet. I could see the crowd with open mouths, in shock. I walked up to the body and sliced off the other fang. Might need it in the second round. I walked to the spot where I used to be, signaled by the first fang lying there, and dropped the second fang beside the first one. The crowd was silent. Then the announcer pierced the silence with his loud voice.

And darefighter Oblivian wins! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winning darefighter for the first time in 200 years!” The crowd cheered so loudly, it blocked out all other sound. After a few seconds, they even began to cheer my name.

But the cheering was silenced by the sound of the two oaken doors closing, and they finally shut behind me. The only sound I heard was the sound of my boots as I walked down the granite hall.


Chapter 2: Armurenoire


I sat on the oak chair in the arena accountant's office. He pulled in the one opposite to him and asked with the tips of his fingers touching,”Darefighter Oblivian, Is there anything that we can do for you that stays within the limits of the Golden Mountain Arena?”

Yes, there is.” I had answered. “I have won 299 gold coins from the fight, have I not?”

Yes.” answered the accountant, handing me a leather bag. As I grabbed it, I could hear a clinking sound from inside it, and I knew that the gold from this fight was in the bag. “Why do you ask?”

How much would it take to have a tailor cure the blackfang skin?” I had asked.

About 100 gold coins.” he answered. “If you wouldn't mind me asking, why do you want it cured?”

It makes great armor.” I had responded. “It isn't too heavy, so I can move around a lot, and it isn't too thin, offering a considerable amount of defense.” I had taken the bag from off the desk. “I expect some servants pulling the blackfang's body with me in ten minutes.” I walked out of the office and closed the door behind me.



I walked on the main street as crowds of chattering people walked past me. Two servants were pulling a cart with the blackfang's body on it, and two more servants were bringing up the rear. I watched for a few moments as people watched by, then I snapped out of it. I had no time to stare at crowds of people. I had someplace to go.

I walked down a street, turning right an an intersection. I turned a few more turns until I reached a building with a sign nailed above the door. In Roman language, I could tell that it meant “Leatherworker and Tailor.”

I swung the door open and walked in, gesturing a hand to the servants. They got the cue and stayed outside. I walked to the counter, where a man with a beard was standing. He noticed me standing there and he stopped tapping his finger on the polished mahogany.

Welcome to Rowan and son's tailoring shop. What can I do for you?” I put 100 gold coins on the counter and adressed the salesman.

I would like you to cure a skin for me.” He seemed to think that the amount was enough, and he asked, “Where is the skin you would like me to cure?”

I beckoned for him to follow me out the door, and the servants stood aside for the salesman to see the skin laid out before him. He stood and admired the skin for a few seconds, then he spoke.

What kind of tailor work would you like me to do with this?” he asked me.

I would like the face to be cured into a mask, with two of the eyes planted exactly where I need to see. I need the fangs beside the body to be put in the retractable slots. The rest of the skin needs to be armor, and the underside of the body can be sewed under the rest of the skin for flexible movement.” The salesman nodded.

So...if I may ask, where did you get this?” he asked. I opened my mouth to answer, but before I could, a crowd of little boys ran across the street, one of them skidding to a stop with his mouth agape when he saw me.

It's Oblivian!” he shouted. The rest of the crowd ran back to the first boy, and they started shouting too.

It's Oblivian!”

It's the darefighter!”

It's darefighter Oblivian!”

I chuckled. “Thanks for the admiration.” I yelled back. “You boys have a great day!”

We will! I will tell my mother that I saw the first winning darefighter when I get home!” yelled the first boy, and the crowd of boys ran off. The salesman looked impressed, and he turned back to me.

You won the first round, and you're a darefighter?” he asked.

Yes.” I answered. “Anyway, I'll expect this skin cured by 3:30.” He pocketed the 100 coins that I had given him at the desk.

Will do. See you then.” replied the salesman.

See you!” I yelled and waved as I ran down the street. I slowed to a walk after a few minutes, and I panted as I started to look for my family's house just off the edge of town.



I finally reached my family's house on the edge of town, behind the town wall. It was a traditional Roman house, with a birch door bordering the entrance.

 Re: Rising Storm, hope you like! I need lots of opinons!

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 1:52 pm
Posts: 20
Sun Jun 12, 2016 1:11 pm

Your book is AMAZING! Put up more chapters! You are an amazing writer! How did you get the idea to write about darefighters in 360 AD?

 Re: Rising Storm, hope you like! I need lots of opinons!

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:07 am

Okay...I hope you're ready for this...

This world is basically a world secretly orbiting Mars. Right now, we are in modern times while the other world is in the time period described here, or the age of the Roman Empire. You would think that this world is exactly similar to our world, but there are a few differences.

The first difference is that huge monsters roam all over this world, and the deadliest monsters are in caves and deep waters. Like, chasm deep waters.

The second difference is that when the moon is full, streams change colors and crystallize into energy sources. These sources are collected in vials and one bit of a crystal can completely obliterate a pin or something like that.

And the games happen when a random citizen and/or prisoner is chosen to enter the ring. The arena is just like an ancient Roman arena.

So yeah. Behind the scenes footage.


Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
   [ 3 posts ] Average score:  

PRS © 2008 PRS Team