Post Work in Progress for Peer Review


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 10 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Thu May 15, 2008 11:44 pm
Posts: 72
Sat May 31, 2008 3:50 pm
I'm not exactly sure if this is a memoir, but it is something that I've experienced. In this memoir, I don't exactly recall my memories, but think about the tragedies of them in a discreet way. Please read it and tell me what you think. I am open to all sorts of critique and comments. Thanks for helping!!

Speak My Mind

Written By: _BiracialButterfly_

I like passing by the different trees in the park. The way that the leaves of the tree sway back and forth helps tell me what the strength of the wind is. I feel secrets being whispered among the braches, lies told to others not meant to hurt. But in the end, it always hurts. I stand beneath the leaves of the tree, smelling the scent of sap clinging to the green almond shaped paper. The shade produced by the leaves are the shadows of the haunting secrets told to others, the shadows contain the souls of people who have been hurt by the secrets. I am among them. So is someone who I have hurt internally and will never gain the trust of again.  Taken back to the scene, I flinch as I see myself. How young I look, but yet so mature for my age. Too mature, I think. My over confidence overpowers the scared look in my eyes. I come back to reality. I am shaking with fear. Who can I tell? Will anyone ever believe me? I tried to get professional help, but when I told the one person who I thought could help me, he rejected my plea; telling that only I could fix the problem. But how could I? I needed guidance, not tough love advice. I was hurt, hurt so much by the pain of the words told to me. My fragile mind stings from the criticism. But I can take it. I shall hold it in my mind and use it as reference to make me stronger. The cocoon/butterfly metaphor is no more. It is now dead in my memory. I shall no longer consider myself as a butterfly, but instead a lion. This fits my zodiac sign perfectly. I shall now be considered as a fierce individual with a sharp mind, one who overcomes the tragic events and learns to move on. I haven’t gotten the leadership skills down now. This I am working on. I am encouraging myself to start speaking up and verbally contribute. As much as I work on it, I know that it will take time.

I wish out of anything that I could be heard, but if I exposed myself to the world, he would see who I really am. I want him to know. I really do. If he knew, I wouldn’t have to live a lie. However, I’d be seen as morbid. I’m actually kind of interested in death, murder, and accidents. I think that this is only because I have experienced it all. I have especially grown close to the topic about spirits and ghosts. I can feel their presence. I don’t believe they’re here to hurt or scare us. I just think that they’re still on Earth because of unfinished business and that they just want a way to communicate with us. I wonder if I’ll have unfinished business when I die. I hope not. I want to be a peaceful spirit and be released from my body.

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Wed May 14, 2008 10:17 pm
Posts: 7808
Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:05 am
Dang. this is good! Very (how should i say this) . . . deep.  Your story leaves a strong message, making it a memorable story. I usually don't like memoirs, but I loved this one! It's even better than things I've read in books!! You used very good, creative metaphors, similes, and personification. I want to hear more from you! It's better than anything I've ever written!! (I can't help but be a little jealous.)
PS Check out and review my story on the sci-fi/fantasy board plz!!!!

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:47 am
Posts: 7216
Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:13 am
Other than the ending (it doesn't really fit with the tone of the rest of the memoir), it's awesome! I think you could still talk about the stuff at the end, just tone it down a bit. It's like one second I'm in a peaceful park, haunted by pain and suffering (but still a very nice picture to visualize!), and the next I'm in a tortursome, haunted room, shrouded by darkness and fear. I know you said that you don't think that ghosts, and such, are here to hurt us, but I try not to believe in them. I hope you don't take these comments too brutally, because it really was a great memoir! I hope you keep writing!

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:48 pm
Posts: 4731
Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:39 am
I really like that!!

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2008 9:06 pm
Posts: 1305
Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:30 pm
   Whoa, deep. Very deep...
   I wonder about death too, it's been with us forever, possibly longer than life itself, and yet we still have no logical clue where Death really is. I have a sort of motto (thank you organicsocks, for telling me it was deep).....Life is temproary and Death is forever. Life is short compared to what Death will live it to your fullest...
   Love it Bi-Fly!
                           Twinkie Blinkie

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Mon May 04, 2009 2:46 pm
Posts: 2
Tue May 05, 2009 3:17 pm
:smileyhappy:hello my name is yard dog how are you doing

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:40 am
Posts: 424
Tue Aug 18, 2009 10:23 pm
deep. your words are beautiful. i can picture it all in my head. your writing here is better than a lot of books ive read.

 Re: Speaking My Mind!! Please Comment!!

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:05 pm
Posts: 858
Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:33 pm
Woaaaaaaaah! That was amazing!

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
   [ 10 posts ] Average score:  

PRS © 2008 PRS Team