Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 5 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Sunshine Dream (work in progress.)

Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 7:01 pm
Posts: 35
Thu Sep 02, 2010 9:05 pm

I walked outside to retrieve my bike. Suddenly the door slammed open. "BAH!" I screamed. Oops. I wet my pants. Trying to hide the fact my pants were wet, I greeted Mom. "Hey... How's it going? It's hot outside today..." I said. Mom signaled me to get in. As soon as I stepped inside, mom pulled my sleve. "Mary Kate." I looked up at mom. I checked my invisible watch, and ran out the door. I hopped on my bike before anybody could do anything. I looked back into the distance to see Mom's angry face.
 

 
A soon as I reached my friend Katie's house, I realized I forgot my helmet. Oops... I guess I'll borrow hers. She has a spare one. I thought. I parked my bike in the driveway and rang the doorbell. Katie's teenage sister answered the door, and she was apparently having a bad hair day. "Ahh! What do you keep in there!" I shouted when I saw her hair, which seems to be a litteral rat's nest. She shoved katie out the door. Katie was holding two helmets. "Phsycic." I whispered. She flashed a smile in return. I flashed one back in return. we got our bikes and rode into the sunset.... Okay. Not really.
 

 
We really just rode to the park. They have this big loop where you can ride around and around.  The park is on the harbor, sort of. Next to the bike trail thingy, is the water. The sun looks beatiful on the water. As I was finishing my second lap, i notcied Katie changed the way she was going.  "Look out!" I yelled. I forgot that Katie's ginormous helmet was blocking her ears and she was wearing dark sunglasses. What a way to go bike riding. We almost collided, until I jumped off my bike, letting her pass. I thought I was going to fly over the fence and land in the water. But I just landed on the grass. It didn't hurt.... At first.



 Re: Sunshine Dream (work in progress.)
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:45 pm
Posts: 277
Fri Dec 17, 2010 12:01 pm
You might want to check your sentences. Don't start every sentence with I. :robothappy:
 

 

Message Edited by Write_It_Moderator on 12-24-2010 12:03 PM




 Re: Sunshine Dream (work in progress.) EDITED (first chapter)
frequent_contributor

Joined: Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:20 pm
Posts: 5477
Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:38 pm



I walked outside to retrieve my bike. Suddenly the door slammed open. "Ah!" I screamed. Oops, I wet my pants. I get scared easily, in case you haven't noticed. Trying to hide the fact my pants were wet, I greeted Mom. "Hey... How's it going? It's hot outside today..." I said. Mom signaled me to get in. As soon as I stepped inside, mom pulled my sleeve. "Mary Kate." I looked up at mom. I checked my invisible watch, and ran out the door. I hopped on my bike before anybody could do anything. I looked back into the distance to see Mom's angry face. I tried not to slip off the bike. My pants were very wet.
 

 
A soon as I reached my friend Katie's house, I realized I forgot my helmet. Oops... I guess I'll borrow hers. She has a spare one. I thought. I parked my bike in the driveway and rang the doorbell. Katie's teenage sister answered the door, and she was apparently having a bad hair day. "Ahh! What do you keep in there!" I shouted when I saw her hair, which seems to be a litteral rat's nest. She shoved Katie out the door. Katie was holding two helmets. "Phsycic." I whispered. She flashed a smile in return. I flashed one back in return. we got our bikes and rode into the sunset.... Okay. Not really. It was 3:00 in the afternoon, and the sun wasn't close to setting.
 

 
We really just rode to the park. They have this big loop where you can ride around and around.  The park is on the harbor, sort of. Next to the bike trail thingy, is the water. The sun looks beatiful on the water. As I was finishing my second lap, I noticed Katie changed the way she was going.  "Look out!" I yelled. I forgot that Katie's ginormous helmet was blocking her ears and she was wearing dark sunglasses. What a way to go bike riding. We almost collided, until I jumped off my bike, letting her pass. I thought I was going to fly over the fence and land in the water. But I just landed on the grass. It didn't hurt.... At first.






 Re: Sunshine Dream (work in progress.)
regular_contributor

Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 5:17 pm
Posts: 7691
Sat May 28, 2011 6:45 pm
interesting, but don't start out everything with I and work on indenting and making things longer, k?



 Re: Sunshine Dream (work in progress.) EDITED (first chapter)
visitor

Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 4:15 pm
Posts: 77
Fri Jun 17, 2011 8:41 pm
EVEN FUNNYER!



Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 5 posts ] Average score:  


PRS © 2008 PRS Team