Post Work in Progress for Peer Review


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 1 post ] Average score:  
Author Message
 The Bane: PART 2 (Excerpt #1)- Chapter 1

Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:22 pm
Posts: 3690
Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:20 am
  I'm going to make my first excerpts chapter 1 and 2, because those are my favorite chapters so far! Granted, I've only written three chapters...oh well. :smileytongue:
   I like them for funniness and action, just in case you were wondering. :smileytongue:

 Teresa sighed. She had been sitting in the car for nearly two hours, and Tam was starting make jokes- jokes that only people who explored the universe could understand, i.e. everyone except for Teresa in that car- and they were starting to get on her nerves. “Why did the Bomthalzar cross the road? Because it thought it lost its flabgazzar!”
 Really annoying to listen to if you didn’t know what they were even talking about.
 They were on their first day traveling to Los Angeles, their first day making their way to the Halbin translator. They would get to an airport in a few hours. From there, it would take a couple of hours to get onto the flight, and then about six hours to get to Los Angeles. They had woken up earlier so they could get there at a reliable hour, so they could start to plan out what to do when they got there, on how to find the translator.
 “Come on, Teresa, sing along!” Tam shouted. They had started singing a song called “The Three Mulbits” and Teresa had started fully getting annoyed.
 “How am I supposed to know the words?” she asked.
 “It’ll come to you!” Tam told her. “Now, sing!”
 Teresa scowled, but she did catch a few words of the song. They were different from usual words, but still audible. Words like, “jumban” and “Lockna” came along, and that was when Teresa discovered that this was in a different language.
 But, occasionally, these words would start turning into English. Words like “Gongan” would turn into “Lake” and “julzna” would turn into “happiness”. She began, unintentionally, to hum the tune. A smile crept onto her face.
 The man on Halbin continued to walk through the deserted planet. There was no bad weather to walk through, for weather had disappeared a long time ago. There was only a chilling cold feeling over the planet, one that tied up the mood for this barren wasteland.
 He was…looking for something. Something more important to him than his life, for this was one of the final things he needed to begin the plan. He only needed to use this, to chase the disaster away so life could begin here once more.
 But he had also begun to use the plan to watch suffering, began to widen where the disaster would release so it could destroy all worlds, and his planet could begin anew; perhaps to create a new universe of his own.
 He did not have much of a plan after the disaster would be released. He only knew that he could use it and gain power; ultimate power.
 The Age of Darkening Hope would begin, and he would be its ruler.
 “Are we there yet?” Tam asked, nearly the twentieth time he’s asked in that hour.
 Peter sighed and replied, “What did I tell you two minutes ago?”
 “You told me that we weren’t going to be there for another hour or so.” Tam remembered.
 “So why are you asking me after the next two minutes?” Peter asked.
 Tam shrugged. “I dunno, maybe because I’m BORED!”
 Teresa stifled a laugh at that, and Tam brightened. “Teresa, what are you doing?”
 “Oh, I WAS reading my book…but I suppose watching you make a fool of yourself will be much more enjoyable.” Teresa joked.
 “Ha ha. Very funny.” Tam replied, and slunk back into his seat.
 “Are we there yet?”
 Molly sat down on her couch in her house. She had headed home after the foursome had set out for Los Angeles. She had cleaned the place after the struggles with the Humanoids earlier, and it looked sparkling clean.
 She breathed a sigh of relief. Her children were some of the most formidable opponents in the world, and any kind of evil that came in front of them could be obliterated if they put their minds to it. They had a special connection, a mahini. It meant that when they were together, they could have formidable power, letting their souls connect and they could do nearly anything with the power they created.
 She and Peter had a mahini as well. But the last time they had used their mahini powers was long ago, back when they lived in the Keeper Universe. There had been a war, between Keepers, accompanied by a few other allies, against some of the angry races. They were angry at the Keepers, since they were the strongest race, and they wanted to overthrow them. But the Keepers were the best rulers they had had in a long time, and some planets fully understood that if the opposing side took over, it would only be tyranny once more. The Keepers had won after Peter and Molly used their mahini powers together. They were the rulers of the Keepers, one of the most powerful lifeforms in the entire galaxy.
 But that was when things started to get difficult, because new visitors began to arrive. And they certainly weren’t welcome.
 The Bane shuffled in the back seat. He knew he wasn’t really welcome here, but he knew that this was the only way to really regain his true form.
 Before he had turned into this monster, he was a kind boy. He wanted to go back to that, and he knew that pieces of his soul were regenerating, and sooner or later, he could turn human once again.
 But for that to happen, he needed help. He needed someone to love to bring his heart back. Teresa was pretty, but she was hardy. She probably wouldn’t warm up to him in time; besides, he didn’t have a really big feeling for her. But he knew that, sooner or later, he would meet the girl of his dreams, and he could open his heart once more, transforming him back to his human form. He would still have his powers, but he would not be a monster. He would have free will.
 His wish was going to come true very soon.
 Molly stiffened, remembering the visitors. They were the black knights, and they had come from the completely other realm, the realm of nothingness. They were created from nothing…Rumor has it that Seron had created with nothing, too, but not as much as these creatures were.
 They had no hearts. They would only kill. They would do anything they could to bring terror to all worlds.
 All creatures of that galaxy had known that they would come eventually, but none expected it to be so close to war, when their community was still broken. They couldn’t truly work together, and that was what began the Dark Age.
 Creatures were hunted down and killed by the dark knights, and the population of the universe slowly grew smaller. The creatures of the universe pledged not to let them touch Earth, for Earth did not know of the battle above them. They had to let that planet go.
 Protection fields were placed around the Earth, and Peter had planned to put Teresa there, let her be adopted by a human family.
 But that didn’t happen soon enough.
 The dark knights came for her, but she escaped.
 But she had no memory.
 She managed to make her way to Earth…but she was still small. She was put into the orphanage and adopted by a human father, and that was where Molly stepped in.
 She had to protect her child, so she had found her way into this man’s heart. But she had no idea that she was going to end up loving him, too.
 For a while, she truly forgot about her past life.
 And she was put into a world of fantasy.
 But only for a short time.
 Tam whacked his head against the head cushion of his seat. “I’m so bored…someone? Anyone?”
 Teresa rolled her eyes, and Peter did likewise. The Bane only sat and watched.
 “Tam…” Peter sighed. “We’ve only got ten minutes left until we get there. Just relax. Take a nap or something.”
 Tam crossed his arms and sat back again. He had ADHD, and he couldn’t sit still for a minute! He had to do something…
 He smiled, and then leaned up to Teresa, being as quiet as possible. Then, he poked her neck and quickly sat back in his seat.
 “Taaaaaam…” Teresa yelled. “What are you doing?”
 “Nothing.” He said innocently. “Nothing at all.”
 Teresa sighed. These last minutes were going to kill her, if anything…
 “PETER! LOOK OUT!” Tam screamed.
 A huge black form dressed in a cape was standing in front of their car. Looming over, the person on the inside smiled, and watched Peter veer his vehicle to the left, circling around him. But the figure only smiled as it put its’ arm out and guided the car’s new path: a collision course with the other cars.

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
   [ 1 post ] Average score:  

PRS © 2008 PRS Team