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 The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue

Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:10 pm
Posts: 59
Wed Feb 22, 2012 6:03 pm

I felt like I was being awoken from a long sleep. When I woke, I had no sense of anything. No emotions welled down inside me, waiting to be let out. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. But... I was nothing. Less than the merest ghost, less than a shadow. So, this must be how death feels. Yet... I could move. I could talk.

   As the just-woken-up feeling faded, I realised I was on a train. The scary thing was, I could remember nothing. I could not remember my name, or my life. All I remembered was that I was a 13-year-old girl with short dark brown hair stopping just underneath my earlobes, pale skin, too many freckles and green eyes.

   "You OK, kid?" a male voice asked.

   "Yeah... I think." I replied, sitting up. The train was silent and misty. It was quite spooky, actually. In front of me, there was a scruffy-looking boy of about 15. He had extremely messy bleach-blond hair, pale skin, brown eyes and a concerned expresssion.

   "Where am I?" I asked groggily. His face flooded with relief. He gave a little smile.

   "Well -- it's a train." he concluded. I raised an eyebrow.

   "Oh, sure it is. I didn't notice that." I  answered sarcastically. He laughed, his eyes lighting up with humour.

   "OK. We call it the Silence Express."



The Ghost Journey









Chapter One Out Soon

 Re: The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue

Joined: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:55 pm
Posts: 80
Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:53 am

Aha! There you are, you silly prologue!

Nix some of my earlier comments. You've started adding meat to their... eh... metaphorical bones! (Weaksauce, I know... Not very easy to make puns when the topic on ghosts. Coming up with puns like this is hard: I guess I dont stand... A GHOST OF A CHANCE! Get it? Ghost...? Aww, forget it. I'll stop now.)

You've given us a description of your character's aperances; how else will you define them? (For future reference... OK isn't actually a word: it's "okay". Only for future reference.) Remember: humans are nautrally curios beings. We LOVE details, but too many details kill a story, and again, this has the potential to be a very interesting story. If you feel the need to describe something, then do so: but it never hurts to have a good idea of what everything looks like.

You have your beginnings. Where will you go from there?

GET CRRRRRRRACKING! (I believe that I've found my new catchphrase. Huh! Imagine that!)


 Re: The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue

Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 5:17 pm
Posts: 7691
Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:08 pm
interesting story, I like it

 Re: The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue

Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:18 am
Posts: 100
Mon May 28, 2012 10:11 pm
I think your a great writer

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