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 The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue

Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:10 pm
Posts: 59
Wed Feb 22, 2012 6:03 pm

I felt like I was being awoken from a long sleep. When I woke, I had no sense of anything. No emotions welled down inside me, waiting to be let out. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. But... I was nothing. Less than the merest ghost, less than a shadow. So, this must be how death feels. Yet... I could move. I could talk.

   As the just-woken-up feeling faded, I realised I was on a train. The scary thing was, I could remember nothing. I could not remember my name, or my life. All I remembered was that I was a 13-year-old girl with short dark brown hair stopping just underneath my earlobes, pale skin, too many freckles and green eyes.

   "You OK, kid?" a male voice asked.

   "Yeah... I think." I replied, sitting up. The train was silent and misty. It was quite spooky, actually. In front of me, there was a scruffy-looking boy of about 15. He had extremely messy bleach-blond hair, pale skin, brown eyes and a concerned expresssion.

   "Where am I?" I asked groggily. His face flooded with relief. He gave a little smile.

   "Well -- it's a train." he concluded. I raised an eyebrow.

   "Oh, sure it is. I didn't notice that." I  answered sarcastically. He laughed, his eyes lighting up with humour.

   "OK. We call it the Silence Express."

 

 

The Ghost Journey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter One Out Soon




 Re: The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue

Joined: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:55 pm
Posts: 80
Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:53 am

Aha! There you are, you silly prologue!

Nix some of my earlier comments. You've started adding meat to their... eh... metaphorical bones! (Weaksauce, I know... Not very easy to make puns when the topic on ghosts. Coming up with puns like this is hard: I guess I dont stand... A GHOST OF A CHANCE! Get it? Ghost...? Aww, forget it. I'll stop now.)

You've given us a description of your character's aperances; how else will you define them? (For future reference... OK isn't actually a word: it's "okay". Only for future reference.) Remember: humans are nautrally curios beings. We LOVE details, but too many details kill a story, and again, this has the potential to be a very interesting story. If you feel the need to describe something, then do so: but it never hurts to have a good idea of what everything looks like.

You have your beginnings. Where will you go from there?

GET CRRRRRRRACKING! (I believe that I've found my new catchphrase. Huh! Imagine that!)

~(Momo)taro1412




 Re: The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue
regular_contributor

Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 5:17 pm
Posts: 7691
Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:08 pm
interesting story, I like it



 Re: The Ghost Journey [Please Feedback?] Prologue
rookie_visitor

Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:18 am
Posts: 100
Mon May 28, 2012 10:11 pm
I think your a great writer



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