Post Work in Progress for Peer Review


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 4 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 The Ice Enchantress's Plot chap 3

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:58 am

OK, here's the next part...I'm glad you guys are liking it so far!


“So that’s where we have to go?” Adryon asked. “To Tetolsa.”

“We…they…” Augusta shook her head at the paper. “I can’t believe this. Magic? Queen? My dad?”

“It makes sense,“ Brendan said. “And that other page, that one was Mom, writing down the instructions to Tetolsa. You said it was her handwriting.“

“Uncle Carl said you had to go to him. To come back, even though it might be dangerous. That’s the danger, this Ice lady,” Adryon said.

“Yeah,“ Brendan agreed, rising to his feet. “So let’s go!”

“No,” Augusta said, shaking her head. “No! This is crazy!”

“It does seem kind of weird,” Gaya said, standing to the side with her arms crossed. “I mean, it follows, but… the concept is weird. Magic. Like…magic-magic?”

“What’s the other page say?” Brendan asked, pointing to the last sheet inside the box.

“Ugh,” Augusta said, pulling away and covering her face with her hands. “I don’t even want to look…”

“OK,” Adryon said agreeably. “Then I will.”

Before Augusta could stop him, Adryon grabbed the sheet of paper and began to read.

“Hey!” he exclaimed. “This is Mom’s writing too! ‘I found out today what happened, why I can’t remember my life before now…twenty-five years worth, I think. I found the letter in the skirt of my dress, telling me about my old life, with my baby Augusta. At first, I didn’t believe it. But now, some of the memories are coming back, mostly the feelings, some of the images. I know I knew these people, Carl, Galena. Haley. And Tetolsa. That was my country. I was Queen, and I loved my country. That’s why I left. To protect it, and Augusta. My baby. I remember the grief of losing my husband, to this woman, the Ice Enchantress. I remember the horror of leaving through the black Door, the place where the veil cuts off all memory, and then it’s clear after that. The obstacles that nearly killed me, but feeling as though I had to leave the Door behind, for whatever reason. Coming into this house through the pantry. Meeting David’ - that’s Dad! - ‘who was selling the house. I feel a connection to him. He helped me out at first, set me up for living here. It helped that I had enough money in my pocket to pay for the entire thing. Being a Queen, I guess I was rich then, but not anymore. I only have enough to survive. David will take care of me, though. I can feel it. A part of me wants to go back now, to Tetolsa, where I belong. But I know I can’t, and I won’t. I’ll stay here, like Carl said. I’ll protect Augusta. She’s all I have from my old life now.’” Adryon glanced up, then back at the letter. “That’s the end.”

Augusta stared at her bare feet for a minute, trying to work through the emotions and thoughts that were swirling through her body.

“It’s true,” she whispered. “It’s…oh my gosh.”

“Dad wasn’t your dad, then. He married Mom after,” Brendan said, staring at his sister. “She must’ve asked him not to tell you, because it was easier.”

“Yeah,” Augusta said, a little bit of the weight easing off of her chest. “I guess…to protect me. But why am I so important?”

“Because you were the next Queen?” Gaya volunteered, unfolding her arms and moving forward. “This still sounds strange to me, I’ll admit, but I’m open to it. It’d be fun to see, anyway, about the pantry.”

“The pantry…” Augusta kicked her feet back and forth.

“We’ve got to go there,” Adryon said, standing again and pulling on Augusta’s arm. Brendan joined him. “We’ve got to try out the pantry. If it’s there, then we’ll know it’s real. Then we can go to your old home. We can meet Uncle Carl.”

“Are you kidding?” Augusta yelped, scooting backward on the bed and wrapping her hands around her knees. “We can't just leave!”

“We could at least look!“ Brendan’s eyes were sparkling. “Come on.”

“I don’t know.” Augusta said haltingly, turning to Gaya for help. Gaya shrugged.

“You might as well try it,” she said.

Augusta sighed. “I just don’t know if…well, I believe it, but I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with it. I mean, what if they expect me to do something amazing, and save them? What if that Enchantress comes and tries to get me again?”

“Aggie,” Brendan said, using the nickname all of Augusta’s family had used for years, “this is the only way we can keep the government people from getting us. If we go with our uncle, we can stay together. Otherwise…” He shrugged, his lip trembling. “You know.”

Augusta relaxed, looking into Brendan’s eyes for a moment. Then she nodded. “All right. We can try.”

Lonely was the song I sang
Til the day
you came
Showing me another way

And all that my love can bring

 Re: The Ice Enchantress's Plot chap 3

Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:22 pm
Posts: 3690
Tue Jul 27, 2010 7:25 pm
  Awesome! I really like this!
    SUCH A BIG CLIFFHANGER! I'm so happy this is only one half of the chapter...:smileywink:
         Everyone deserves to cry.

 Re: The Ice Enchantress's Plot chap 3

Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2010 3:24 pm
Posts: 1822
Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:06 pm
Yay they're gonna go back! :D
This is awesome Kira.
Though truthfully I'm not surprised. :P
(about it's awesomeness, I mean...;))
~ Allie
Proud Supporter of Project G.T.S.

 Re: The Ice Enchantress's Plot chap 3

Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:57 pm
Posts: 4
Sun Dec 26, 2010 11:27 pm
I am interested!
Tomorrow I'll have to look up more of this. It's late now... *yawn*
The one piece of advice I can offer is that when Adryon is reading out the sheet of paper, there's a really long block of print. You could make that look better on the page by having some interjections - also it would make sense that Augusta would be surprised and probably make some comment. The rest of your page looks good, broken into maneagable-seeming paragraphs by lots of natural dialogue.
 You might not remember me, but I was on here a while back and you made me really happy by commenting on my story I've Seen Your Soul Before. My name back then was MissX, I think. I've been offline for a while and my writing style's changed a lot, but I hope to get posting soon! :smileyhappy: Sorry for my long and chatty reply.

The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.
- Edwin Schlossberg

Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
   [ 4 posts ] Average score:  

PRS © 2008 PRS Team