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   [ 3 posts ] Average score:  

do u like my story
Poll ended at Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:52 am
awesome 33%  33%  [ 1 ]
great 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
i loved it!! 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
so-so 67%  67%  [ 2 ]
ok 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 3
Author Message
 The Kidnapper of the unmarried
new

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 2:10 am
Posts: 3
Thu Feb 23, 2012 2:52 am

 

On a cold Sunday night, a young 12 year old girl was painting a picture, hoping to be a artist when she grows up.Then, as she listens to her music, she hears a BANG. “ What was that.” she said. She rushed out the door and headed to the living room she saw the windows broken and her parents tied up. She was surprised and gasped. “What happened?” she said. Her parents said they had been robbed and the burglar took the precious money and valuables. She helped and untied them, suddenly the parents made a face. The burglar jumped on her and kidnapped her. Once the parents untied themselves, they called 911. As soon as the police got the call, Kate and Castle were on the case, they were going to the crime scene in a blue Honda Accord. As they got out of the car, the assistant gave them coffee.They headed to the crime scene seeing broken windows, (...)rope (...)and a hammer.The parents were happy to see them. All they could tell them was that the car headed where they came from. After hours and hours of work, they called the daughter’s (Elena) cell phone. An anonymous voice came up. “Who’s this.” said the man, angrily. “It’s... It’s...Elena’s mother.”the mother said. “Well,well,well,what a surprise, here’s the deal sweetcakes, if in 48 hours you don’t give me what I want then your daughter dies.” He hung up. “What does he want?”Kate said. “He wants me to marry him.” the mother says. “You see he was my old boyfriend in high school, we were dating for 3 years and planned to get married, until I broke up with him for the guy I’m with now, my husband, so he wants revenge.” Kate and Castle listened and tracked the call. He was at 165 St. They hurried to the car with the mother and drove off. When they got to 165 St., they heard screaming. The S.W.A.T team was there, so was the NYPD. They barged in and saw Elena tied to the chair,with a bomb, and the burglar (...). “Surprise, surprise, you found me, now sweetie tell these people what I want and then you’re free.”the man said.Elena gulped and said,”Mommy, Arnold wants to marry you.” “Sweetie, everything is going to be fine.” the mother said. The man held the mother’s hand and removed the old ring and gave her a new one. (...)The man fell and layed there with blood gushing out. They forgot about the bomb on Elena. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK, the bomb was still ticking. Kate looked at the wires, there was a red and blue one. Ten seconds left and kate had the scissors and cutted the . . . . . blue wire. Nothing happened in relief The mother and Elena thanked them and left happy. Another job well done.

         

                         THE  END




 Re: The Kidnapper of the unmarried
moderator

Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 9:14 pm
Posts: 1714
Fri Feb 24, 2012 2:27 am

Hi pandablue98, 

Welcome to Write It!

I noticed you posted this on the Short Fiction General Discussion board. It should really be one the Short Fiction Post Work In Progress board. That's where readers go to see work and give feedback on it. Could you repost it there? 

Thanks!

Bronwen




 Re: The Kidnapper of the unmarried
visitor

Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 6:04 pm
Posts: 73
Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:06 pm

Hi pandablue98,I like the idea of your story but your diolouge and typing is.... well... a bit, "out there". Not that it's a bad thing but you need your readers to have a clear idea on wha'ts going on and organize your writing.Like I said in the beginning its a great idea for a story, you could become an award winning writer!smiley




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