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 The Unknown(book 1)~Chapter 1

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:45 pm
Posts: 7
Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:03 pm
Name:Amanda-Zoe
Age:12
Description:Red, straight, long pigtails, yellow sweatshirt, red sneakers, jean shorts
Siblings:3 older sisters(triplets{not identical})(Emma-Rose, Mary-Jean, Jamie-Kelly)
I sat in the cargo hold(where all of the beds are) of the wooden boat sailing to a new land. Hundreds. Emma-Rose, Mary-Jean, and Jamie-Kelly. Mom said she was getting us biscuits that she couldn't get during the morning breakfast run. Often me, my sisters, and Mom went hungry. Only recently have we gotten food. I heard Mom's sneeze. We popped out our heads, which were under our baby blankets(big). I sleep under mine every night. It has Pooh Bear and Piglet on it. They are sharing a big jar of honey. My stuffed animals(favorite)are Pooh and Piglet. I held them tight, hoping mom would have brought us food. See, food was a struggle on the ship, and most went hungry. I saw Mom drop a picnic blanket and she dropped an armful of food. Not only biscuits, but sausage, egg patties, french toast, and ketchup packets. Emma-Rose, Mary-Jean, and Jamie-Kelly scurried to the blanket and sat down. I, however, was the first one to sit down. We ate all we could and left the rest for Mom. We finally arrived at the land and the captain announced"Women and children may exit first so the men can help me with some business. Co-captain Jenson may exit". We all ran to the exit to the deck. Me, Mom, and my sisters exited first. We looked for Dad, the co-captain. Dad ran to us through the crowd of people. He bear-hugged us. He kissed Mom's cheek. We ran to find our land, the area where we would live. "The land will be called"the captain announced."The Unknown".



 Re: The Unknown(book 1)~Chapter 1
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:30 pm
Posts: 411
Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:45 pm
This is an interesting story. It has an air of mystery to it. Maybe a little too much mystery. You leave the reader in the dark for most of the story. Let's start with the basic things your reader should know. Before you do anything else, try to describe the character's position. What is the character feeling right now; what are they thinking. Next, describe the character's surroundings. If not the room, the people. Once you put those in, you have a nicely written story that will probably fit into at least four paragraphs. The rest is really just editing. Keep writing and good luck!



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