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 The Unknown(book1)~Chapter 2

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:45 pm
Posts: 7
Sat Jul 17, 2010 2:31 pm
Dad started building the house. "Mom, what's THAT building?"I asked. "That?"Mom said about the small house. "That's the school". "The school?"I asked. "How many grades?" "Thirteen"Mom said. I sat down next to Jamie-Kelly, Emma-Rose, and Mary-Jean. Then a bell rang. "School is starting now"Mom said. We scurried to the schoolhouse and stepped in. I sat at a table with Jamie-Kelly and two boys. One was cute. I smiled. "Hi"he said."I'm Daniel. Who are you?" "I'm Amanda-Zoe"I said. Daniel grinned. "Nice name"he said. "What grade?"I asked."I'm going into 7th". "Me too"Daniel said. The teacher walked in. "Hello, everyone"she said. "I'm Ms.Cal". Everyone groaned. "Meet my daughter, Nellie". A girl with blonde, curly, long hair walked up. She smiled meanly.
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After school, I found out the adults had planned a dance called"The New Land". I wanted to ask Daniel, but Nellie was walking to the park with him. I decided to follow. I snuck behind them and at the park, I climbed up a tree near the bench they sat on. "So, Daniel"she said. "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go to the dance". "Maybe"Danielle said. I felt so shocked I almost climbed down the tree to hit Nellie. But I didn't. After Nellie left, I climbed down slowly. I touched the ground and said"Hi"to Daniel. "Hi Amanda-Zoe"he said. "Call me Zoe or Amanda"I said. "Anyway"he said. "Amanda, will you...go with me to pick up my sheep tomorrow?" "Sure"I said, disaponted. "Tomorrow"Daniel said. "Remember". I nodded and ran home.
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Dad, Mom, me, Emma-Rose, Jamie-Kelly, and Mary-Jean sat around the fire as Mom cooked the stew in the pot. "Who are you going with?"Jamie-Kelly asked me. "No one yet"I said. "What about Daniel?"Mary-Jean asked. "He asked me to help him pick up his sheep from the loading dock"I said. 'Aww, poor baby"Emma-Rose teased. "Do YOU have a date?"I asked. Emma-Rose just studdered.

 Re: The Unknown(book1)~Chapter 2

Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:30 pm
Posts: 411
Sun Aug 22, 2010 9:09 pm
Ah, I see a love interest with Daniel. I like that. And I see rivalry with Nellie. Also good. There is one problem. Because you don't separate the dialogue from the story, the page is a little confusing and stutters a bit. And, like I said in my previous post, you need some more description. For instance, what's so attractive about Daniel? What I love most about this chapter is the last lines:
     "Aww, poor baby," Emma-Rose teased.
     "Do YOU have a date?" I asked.
     Emma-Rose just stuttered. You should change this sentence to something like "Emma-Rose just turned away, blushing." Or something like that, because stutter means to speak with short stops. I loved the rest, though.

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