Post Work in Progress for Peer Review

Announcements


Welcome to Write It, the home for young writers. Post your works-in-progress and get feedback or give your opinion on your peers’ creative writing. Try a step-by-step writing workshop, then publish your writing online.

You’ve probably noticed we’ve made some changes to the boards! Find the boards for Underground Railroad historical fiction, Science Explorations, Scholastic News, and more right here.

Looking for our boards dedicated to favorite series, authors, and causes? You'll find them on THE STACKS. Head on over for the Buzz Board, Harry Potter, Save the Planet, Goosebumps, and more!
   [ 3 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Titanis, I hope you like it, and please give opinions!
new

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Thu May 19, 2016 3:28 pm

This is called Titanis, I hope you like it, and I REALLY need opinions if you have them.

 

Prolounge

 

The night was dark. The stars glittered in the night sky. There was not one sound to be heard anywhere. Then there was heard through this night shouting, then a (...) shattered the silence of the night. A woman ran, carrying with her a bundle in her arms. Her eyes glowed in the night, golden and bright. (...). She kept running a few yards until she looked around at a place she had stopped at.

A man was sitting on a rock in a clearing with his head down in anticipation. He looked up and saw her. “Theis, what's going on?” he asked in a worried tone.
“No time to explain.” Theis panted. “We need to go. Users and normals are looking for us.”
“But why?” demanded the man. He shut his mouth when he noticed Theis's expression.

Hyper, they know that I'm a user and you're a normal. They know why we both have been disappearing each night. Both normals and users are on the warpath.” Desperation was shining in Theis's eyes. “We have to go.” Both of them fell silent. Then they could hear it: (...) yelling, cries of pain, sounds of fire and ice, and devastation. Hyper looked into Theis's eyes, a fire shining in them.

Do we have a way out?” he asked. She nodded and gestured to a chestnut pony attached to a cart. A cloth was covering the cart's contents. Hyper finally tore his eyes off Theis and to the cart. “We have a getaway route. Let's take it.”

They both climbed in the cart, and Theis snapped the reins. The horse neighed and galloped away into the night. The horse began to near a small gateway made of tree branches. Theis's heart pounded with anticipation. We are almost there...Just a few more yards... she thought. She looked behind her, and her face widened in shock. She dived in front of the bundles she had put beside her just as the horse and cart jumped through the gateway. Just then, another (...), and Theis let out a piercing scream.

As they passed through the gateway, the scene changed to a sandy beach with small waves rolling on the shore. Hyper jumped out of the cart and cradled Theis in his arms. Her breathing was shallow, and he could see a (...) wound puncturing her right lung. Hyper began to speak pleadingly to Theis, gasping in the sand.

Come on, Theis, stay with me.” he pleaded. She took a wavering breath and spoke weakly.

Hyper, I was going to tell you sooner, but...” she broke off for a second as she gasped for breath. “..I guess now is a better time than ever. I...” she inhaled and coughed, then finished her weak sentence. “..had twins.”

What?” whispered Hyper in disbelief. “How..” he was silenced when Theis started to speak again.

He was born a healthy boy, and she a healthy girl. I kept it a secret from everyone else for a few weeks until it came time to see you again.” she gasped for air, then continued speaking. “But the local authorities found out, and I ran with the cart, parked it nearby, and looked for you.” she gasped, and she struggled to get air. Hyper began to scream desperately into the air.

No, no, no! Theis! Stay with me!” he screamed. Theis looked up, the light beginning to fade out from her golden eyes.

Give the golden sun bracelet to the boy, and the silver moon bracelet to the girl.” she gasped for air again. “Tell them her mother was a gentle hearted young woman, and she cared for both of them so much that she died for them.” There was a small sliver of light in her eyes as she uttered her last words. “Tell my son Goldensun and my daughter Silvermoon that I died for them.” she looked at Hyper's face for the last time. “Hyper, I will miss you.” Then she exhaled one last breath, closed her eyes, and was still.

Theis!” screamed Hyper to the skies in grief. The chestnut pony neighed in sorrow, as if condoling with his loss. Hyper's scream echoed in the skies for a few seconds as he sobbed on Theis's lifeless body, her silver hair sprawled out on the ground.

 

 

Chapter 1: Outcasts

 

I trudged through the mud, carrying a pile of wood wrapped in a tarp. Behind me, my sister had a deer slung across her back. I usually did heavy lifting work like carrying kindling and firewood. My father said I was born for it.

Sorry, pleasantries first. Name's Goldensun. I have seen nothing but woodland and ferns and bushes for most of my life. I have seen a town a few times. I haven't been told where I was born or who my mother was, so I have been an unknown person. My father is a strong guy named Hyper, and my sister is Silvermoon. She has this talent for hunting that she excessively brags about, and it gets annoying after a while. Some days, if I hear ONE more word about how she stalks prey like a master, I feel like wanting to scream.

My father is a quiet guy with silver eyes and hair that shines gold in the sun. Silvermoon remarks quite often that if he wasn't her father, he would be a pretty handsome guy. He never really told us about our mother, and from the way he looks every day, he probably never wants to.

So anyway, we were trudging through rain that ran down our shirts and a lot of mud, soaking us to the bone. We were completely freezing cold when we finally stumbled upon our house: a small, lonely cabin in the middle of the woods with a thin trail of smoke coming out of the stone chimney. Silvermoon sighed with relief. “Finally, a nice warm house in the middle of a freezing rain.”

Tell me about it.” I grumbled. Even how much she annoyed me, I agreed with her sometimes. We walked up to the door, and Silvermoon opened it.

The fire in the fireplace was slowly smoldering, and my father, Hyper, was sitting at the table, looking at the wall. “Morning, dad.” I said by the stone fireplace, unwrapping the tarp from around the firewood. He didn't respond. I paused my work and spoke again. “Dad?”

Hmm?” he grunted from the table, being shaken out of his daze. “Oh, yeah. Good morning.” He then continued sitting in the oak chair and staring at the wall. He had hung a picture of a beautiful girl with golden eyes and silver hair that dropped down past her shoulders there, and he stared at it most days. I didn't even know who it was. I continued unwrapping the firewood and tossed a few logs in the dying fire. Silvermoon took out this silver knife from out of the inside of a bracelet made out of the same material. The bracelet had a moon carved in it, and the space that used to be filled with silver had Lapis Lazuli in it, so it looked like a blue moon among a silver sky. She started cutting the deer's hide with the knife, and she started talking as she worked.

So Goldensun almost scared off the deer today.” she said, and gave a small chuckle. “If I wouldn't know you better, I'd think that you have a talent for being so easily distinguished, you would stand out like white on black.”

Oh, hush.” I snapped, and I felt my cheeks heat up. “You have a talent of being crushed by a branch.”

Silvermoon's cheeks went red, and I could see her bite back a sharp retort as she continued skinning the deer. I didn't know why she was being so silent today. She would usually continue an argument, and we would shout responses back and forth until our dad silenced us. She glared as she started cutting the antlers off the head of the deer. I threw a third log on the fire, and the flames were beginning to lick the new logs. My work done, I brushed my hands together and sat down on the birch chair. Silvermoon had finished skinning and gutting the deer, and she picked up the spit lying near the fire and pushed it through the raw venison. She set both ends of the spit on the stand looming over the fire, and she flopped down on the chair beside mine that was carved out of ebony. “So...” she said beside me. “Do you want to read, or something? Because the deer is going to take a while to cook.”

I didn't say anything, and I just stared at the flames burning the logs. Noticing that, Silvermoon retorted, “Fine, don't ignore me or anything.” She walked off in another part of the house, and I took off my bracelet and took a look at it.

It was a golden bracelet, almost as big as Silvermoon's. A sun was etched in it, and the space that used to be filled with gold was filled with Topaz. I reached inside the bracelet and pulled out a glass vial. It had something that looked like a golden liquid inside it. I also noticed that a lily was etched on it. I hadn't known where either of them came from, and my sister hadn't either.

I sighed as I pushed the vial back in the bracelet, got up from the chair, and wandered off to my room. We didn't have any other walled places in the house, but we chose certain areas and we put colored curtains around them. I could see my room up ahead, with yellow drapes covering what was behind them. I pushed them aside and flopped on my sleeping bag made out of sheep's wool and dyed yellow. There was one piece of furniture in our room, and that was a nightstand. Odds and ends such as pretty rocks to glittering gems to mangled pieces of metal lay on the top of it. The whole room was covered in carpet made out of reindeer's wool. Nothing else was in my room.

I noticed a shiny, clear gem lying on the nightstand with a note that read, I found this on the ground after I shot the deer. I know you like shiny things, so I gave this to you. Love, Silvermoon. I rolled up the note, put it in the drawer, picked up the shiny, clear gem from my nightstand, and observed it. Just then, something inside me seemed to wake up. A shimmer ran through my whole body. I wanted to recoil in surprise, but I found out that I couldn't move. Meanwhile, the glow ran from my arms into the gem I was holding. I gained movement again, and I cried out and dropped the gem, shocked. The gem glowed with a golden light, then it faded away. I could hear it, whatever it was, from where it was sitting, and it seemed to be wondering in a soft, whispering voice, Where am I?, How did I get here?, and Why am I here? I could read it's emotions and I could dimly tell that it felt...confused, yet curious. I could tell that this...being, whatever it was, held deadly but gentle power. I stared at it for a few seconds, my heart going a million miles an hour, when the strange presence seemed to look at me. I could feel it's presence somehow touch the back of my brain. It's senses became more distinguished, like a person yelled instead of talked, as it mentally approached me closer. It asked me a question as its whispering voice echoed in the back of my brain.

Who are you?

 

Chapter 2: Heliorak

 

I sat looking like a rabbit with an arrow pointed at its chest as the being waited. I could tell it had said something and was waiting for me to answer. I sat on the floor, petrified, when I heard footsteps coming near my room. I heard a swish as the curtains were pulled aside and Silvermoon's face peeked in. “What's wrong?” she asked. “I heard you cry out.”

Nothing.” I replied. “A...a rat startled me, that's all.”

Who is she? The presence asked.

Silvermoon responded like she hadn't even heard it. “Well, I'll go tell dad.” she began walking off toward the table, pushing the curtains closed behind her. I could hear her muttering, “Although I thought we'd gotten rid of the rats a long time ago. Oh well, they might have come back again...” I heard her voice until she wandered out of my hearing range. I turned my attention back to the strange presence. I could see that it wanted to ask a question, but it had many of them. I tried to talk to it in my brain.

Um...so, who are you? I asked.

That's what I'm trying to ask you. It responded. Where am I, anyway?

You as in the talking you, or you as in the silent you? I thought.

Um...both forms. It said.

The talking you is in my head, and the silent you is on my bedroom floor. I could feel it wanting to ask a question, but it didn't. The silent you is a shiny, clear, gem.

What color? It asked.

White. I replied. I'm pretty sure you're a diamond.

I felt it “peeking” at the gem on the floor. You mean a topaz? it corrected.

I looked on the floor. Instead of a diamond lying there, as I thought, a shimmering golden gem was sitting on the floor. It seemed to give off its own light, like a piece of the sun. Well? asked the presence. How do I look?

Um... you look good. I thought. So do you have a name?

A name? Asked the presence.

A title, a word that people call you. I described. Mine's Goldensun. What's yours?

I don't necessarily have one, but if it's a word that describes you, call me Heliorak.

What does that mean? I asked.

Sunray. Responded Heliorak. Anyway, I do look like a sunray, right?

More like a piece of the sun, but Heliorak fits you well. I replied. So why didn't my sister hear you?

That's your sister? asked Heliorak.

Yes. I thought. Her name is Silvermoon.

She looks pretty. said Heliorak. No offense.

None taken. I responded. I noticed that once Heliorak seemed to know me better, his voice seemed to get a bit louder and he didn't whisper anymore.

So, do you want to know what I look like? asked Heliorak. Like, aside from my gem form? I have a different form before I adapt a new one.

Um, sure, I thought, but hurry. Breakfast's going to be ready soon.

Okay, watch this. I noticed the gem start to shimmer a bit more, and then Heliorak spoke again.

Look in the topaz. I did, and I noticed a small floating light inside it. It made a circle in the air, then it hovered in one spot, like it was waiting for a response.

So that's you? I thought.

Yep. Said Heliorak. That's me.

I watched him shimmer for a few more seconds, and then the image disappeared, and the shimmery surface of the topaz returned. Wow. I thought. You really do look like a piece of the sun.

Aww, thanks. replied Heliorak. I could sense a feeling of pride, like Heliorak was feeling from being admired. So...where exactly, except in your room, am I?

My response was cut off from Silvermoon yelling from the table. “Goldensun! Get over here and eat breakfast!”

Oh, I've got to go. I thought. I will talk with you after breakfast!

Okay. said Heliorak. I need to take a nap anyway.

That made me want to ask him a question, but if I wasn't at the table, my father would yell at me, telling me to get over there NOW. I ran out of my room, closed the curtains behind me, and joined the others at the table. When I pulled in my chair behind me, I noticed a small trickle of blue through my brain, and I felt Heliorak's mental capacity shutting down. Then the connection faded, and his presence became so dim, I could only feel it if nothing else was on my mind or if no one else was speaking to me. I picked up my fork and started to eat the deer meat on my plate. Silvermoon was talking to dad. I could hear their conversation from here.

So is there a trip tomorrow?” asked Silvermoon. “And if there is, where are we going?”

We are going to town tomorrow.” said dad from his chair. “And I want you two on your best behavior. Do you understand?”

I was pushing my woodland herbs around my plate, distracted. My father seemed to notice this, so he repeated his question. “Do you understand?”

Huh?” I said, snapping out of my daze. “Oh, yeah. I understand.” I continued pushing food around my plate, lost in thought. Dad gave me a weird look, then he focused his attention on his venison. I was thinking about Heliorak and our conversation when I heard dad's voice.

Goldensun.” I snapped out of my trance and looked at him.

Yes?” I asked.

What's up?” he responded.

Nothing.” I dismissed.

He shook his head. “When you act like that, I know it's something.”

I thought for a moment. Then I responded, “I'll tell you tomorrow, when we go to town.” I began eating my now cold venison. My father opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but he closed it again and cleared his dishes. I ate the last of my food and picked up my plate, cup, and fork to take to the granite sink. I turned around from putting my dishes away, and dad was staring me straight in the face, wearing a not pleased expression, his eyebrow raised in suspicion. At that exact moment, the connection between me and Heliorak strengthened, and I felt him wake up. I decided to fess up, because that look made me feel like an arrow was pointed at my chest.

Um...so, have you ever had this glow inside you?” I asked him.

My father gave me an unimpressed face. “Think of the logic of that sentence.”

Alright, alright!” I cried, cutting off his words. “I will show you something.” My hands were shaking. That's not good. My hands shake when I start breaking down in nervousness.

Now,” said my father, his voice firm and unwavering as steel, “Show me what you are talking about.” I started walking like a scared rabbit to my room, my dad following me. I trembled as I pushed aside the curtains to my room, and I uttered a startled cry.

The topaz-Heliorak was gone. Nothing was left of the place he used to sit. I frantically began to search my bedroom, muttering, “He was here a moment ago. Oh no, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad...”

My father watched me frantically dismantle my room while wearing a confused expression. “So...what are you looking for?”

I was too horrified to answer. I just kept throwing things over my shoulder while panicking, “Oh no! What happened? He was right under my nose and I missed him...”

Well, um...I hope you find what you're looking for. Meanwhile, I'm going to wash the dishes.” He pushed the curtains closed behind him, and his footsteps faded as he walked to the kitchen. When he went out of my hearing range, Heliorak said, Is he gone?

Um...yeah. I thought cautiously. I suddenly saw a spot on the floor start to shimmer in a gemlike shape, and it turned back into topaz-Heliorak. I was partly confused and partly enraged. Why did you hide? I asked.

Because your father can't know that I'm here. responded Heliorak. If he does, then he knows a secret that is best left hidden.

What's this secret? I thought. I mean, if it's appropriate to let me know?

Goldensun, thought Heliorak softly. I don't just hold deadly power. You do too, because you have power. Specifically, you have ten times a sun user's power.

Aaaaaaand that means....I thought, confused.

Heliorak spoke, jolting me out of my stupor. That means you are what the ancients called a Titan.

 




 Re: Titanis, I hope you like it, and please give opinions!
new

Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 8:01 pm
Posts: 270
Wed Jun 15, 2016 3:36 pm

And here's Chapter 3!!! Hope you like!!!

Chapter 3: A Titan's Power

 

NO WAY.

That one thought echoed in my head. A Titan! I had been taught by my father when I was three, and in one history lesson, I had read a book about the ancient times. The Titans could move a mountain with one snap of a finger. Was I really that powerful?

Heliorak didn't respond to any of my thoughts, but he gave me a feeling of blank perplexity, like he'd been asked an unsolvable question. He spoke after a few blank seconds.

Here, try lifting my solid self three inches in the air without touching me. he offered.

Are you sure? I asked.

Just do it. He urged. I closed my eyes, concentrated hard, and mentally pushed out toward Heliorak. After a few seconds, I heard a humming sound.

Goldensun! yelled Heliorak in my thoughts. I opened my eyes. To my complete bewilderment, Heliorak was floating all the way to the ceiling. Let me down! he protested. I'm way too high! That was way above three inches!

Um...sorry. I thought. I lessened my concentration, and the more it lessened, the lower Heliorak dropped. Eventually, I stopped my mental push completely, and Heliorak gently settled in my hand. He spoke in a shocked and partly annoyed tone after he landed on my hand.

You've got to get that power under control. he said.

I know, I know. I responded. But how do I do it?

Try practicing a few nights to lessen the mental push to only lifting a stone three inches. he thought. Then see how far you can push the stone in the air. I'll be your teacher, but don't practice your power on me.

I was shocked and overjoyed at the same time. I was a Titan...and I had a teacher to help me with my power! Thanks, Heliorak! I thought.

No problem. he thought. And you'd better run to the kitchen. Your father's calling you. Sure enough, I heard my father's voice calling, “Goldensun! You have to get the firewood from the woodpile!”

Coming!” I responded. I threw a thought over my shoulder as I ran to the kitchen. And you might want to disguise yourself while I'm gone. The woodpile had to be a mile away so the wood wouldn't get wet. I'll be gone at least for twenty minutes.

I walked into the kitchen and started to put on my rain gear. It was hung on a few hooks beside the door. “We need wood for lunch and dinner. That means at least eight logs.” said my father as he got up from his chair.

Okay.” I said as I put on my second boot. “Where's Silvermoon?”

She's out hunting. We need more meat and herbs for lunch. I expect you home by the time the steel hand points to the 3.”

Okay.” I said as I slipped on my rain hood. “See you then.”

See you.” said my father as I closed the door behind me, then walking off toward the woodpile in the middle of cold wind and freezing rain.

 

* * *

 

 




 Re: Titanis, I hope you like it, and please give opinions!
moderator

Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 9:14 pm
Posts: 1714
Fri Jun 17, 2016 12:07 am

hi dragoncrown485,

 

I noticed that you posted a new chapter on an old thread... may I suggest that you create a new thread each time you post a new piece of the work? Other users will see new threads, but probably will not be tracking what look like replies to your original thread. This way, you'll get more readers.

 

Let me know if you have any questions!

 

Write It Mod




Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
   [ 3 posts ] Average score:  


PRS © 2008 PRS Team