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   [ 5 posts ] Average score:  
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 Title needed! Also,constructive criticism!!!
new

Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 8:56 pm
Posts: 293
Tue Dec 16, 2014 12:50 am

Wow. The frigid air clings to my skin as I gaze up at the massive dome in front of me. My pink frilly dress(which I regret wearing) floats around me,keeping no warmth in at all. My sandy blonde hair slaps my back. The dome. The place where everyone with potential goes. Wow. Wow oh wow. I wish Katie-my best friend- was here to see this. I snap a picture with my old fashioned smart phone(It's a iPhone 4578. So. Old.). I'll send it to her later. The dome just sits there,sparkling like a crystal. Steps rise up to the huge double doors. I slowly move forwards,past the other girls in their own frilly dresses. We're all rushing to the door. Make it or break it,Em,make it or break it. I open the doors. The stadium is huge,seats line the walls,all filled with girls my age-which just so happens to be 14. In the center is a huge stage,girls lined up,signing in. I anxiously waut in line. When I finally get through signing in,I go off to sit in the stands. Finally-FINALLY!-A lady walks up to the microphone on the stage. Opal King. I almost drool. She's king here in the dome. She chooses the girls with potential;decides there future. "Good evening ladies! Im glad to see so many lovely young ladies in the dome this fine afternoon." Opal pauses. "Now. Some of you have prepared your whole life for this moment,but only 50,ever make it." I squirm in my chair. What can I say-It's OPAL KING! "Here at the dome,we pick only the best ladies to be included in the special training,a highschool,so to speak." I mouth the words with her. "FYL. Fine Young Ladies." I sqeal in delight. Ive seen this 1000 times on TV!!! "If you happen to make it,you will go through a series of courses. Not just how to hold a teacup." I see a couple girls frown. "No. Your whole future set out for you. It will determine what job,husband,home,and division you're in." Ahhh. Yes,the divisions. 5 in all. I think they come from a really old book you can only see in virtual museaums...is it Hairy Clotter? I think so. Anyways the divisions are Prim,Ivy,Wave,Emerald,and Rogue. Theres also a sixth division for girls who dont make it,called Brave. I hope I make it into Prim though. Really,I hope I make it at all. "Alright girls. When I call your name,I want you to follow me to a room where you will be interveiwed. I will ask you to stay in the stadium once you are done." Ugh. This could take days. I glance around at the thousands of eager girls. Theres a growing pit of despair in my stomach.




 Re: Title needed! Also,constructive criticism!!!
new

Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2013 3:32 am
Posts: 3
Fri Jan 23, 2015 1:16 am

I loved the story! Hopefully you'll write more!




 Re: Title needed! Also,constructive criticism!!!
new

Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2014 2:32 pm
Posts: 79
Sat Jan 31, 2015 9:47 pm

This is a good story so far! I have nothing to criticize, but next time, please use enters




 Breathtaking
new

Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:12 am
Posts: 14
Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:15 am

Wow . . . I mean WOW!!! This story had everything a good story needs. A good plot, a lot of details, and a great main character! I give you a 100%!

 

You did wonderful,
wizardhero15




 Re: Title needed! Also,constructive criticism!!!
new

Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 8:56 pm
Posts: 293
Wed Dec 30, 2015 8:26 pm

    "Emilie Flores."  I paled. THat's me! I wanted to scream. Instead, I made my way down to the platform. "This way," Opal said, leading me into a massive ballroom. However, there was nothing in it; only a small, white table, and two small, white chairs. I bit my lip. 

    "Please! Do sit down," Opal said, smiling. I did as she said, perching on the edge of the chair. I nervously played with my ponytail. Opal pulled out a stack of cards. She had short red hair, and big, blue eyes- she was beautiful. "Now, I want you to answer these questions truthfully." she said. "First of all- Pink, black, blue, green, or yellow?" She stared at me, unblinking. I gulped. "Pink..." I whispered. She nodded. Then she checked something off on her clipboard. " Heels or flats?" Are these the questions? I thought they would be more...substantial. "Flats?" I said. "Loud parties or exclusive tea parties?" What are these questions having to do with me?! "Loud parties, I supposed..." I said, with growing confusion. "Physical Force or Smarts?" "Smarts." I answered. I was getting quicker to answer these  stupid questions. All of the sudden, a large, muscular man walked in. He was practically dragging a young girl by her pigtails. She was dirty and small. "This one was trying to sneak in,Ms.King." I glanced at Opal. "Again?" she said. "You can do whatever. Just make sure it won't happen again." Tears were streaming from the little girls eyes. "Woah woah woah woah, wait." I found myself saying. "But she's just a little girl!" Opal glanced at me. "It's none of your concern." Ok, now I'm mad. "Ha! Yeah, it is my concern. I think she's been scared enough! Just let her go." I crossed my arms. Opal, shockingly, smiled. "Let her go." THe big guy let her go. The girl walked off, like it was no big deal. "Here are your papers," OPal said warmly,"Welcome to Brave."




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