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   [ 8 posts ] Average score:  

Chapter One was...
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Total votes : 7
Author Message
 UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
new

Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:26 am
Posts: 5
Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:21 pm

Hi y'all! This is a story about an 11-12 year-old girl who (with the help of her best friend) discovers some shocking news about her govornment that controls her futuristic city. My hopes for the book are that it will turn out like a mixture of The Giver by Lois Lowry, Divergent by Veronica Roth, and a little bit of Legend by Marie Lu. Please keep in mind that this is only the first chapter, and it may not look like its going to lead to my ambition of the story, but I really hope it will. Please comment, suggestions/feedback is always welcome! Don't forget to take the poll after you've finished reading! 

Thanks guys, E

CHAPTER ONE - 

I woke to the sound of the radio crackling in my room. It had automatically turned on for the city message. “Good morning citizens! I am pleased to announce that due to the Learning Inspection Association’s visit to our schools this morning, school has been canceled for Tuesday, September 23. Those of you over 18 please remember that you must go to work today, despite the children’s day off.  Please arrange Day Care for children under the age of 8, for it is against the city law for them to be home alone. If you do not or cannot register for Day Care make sure there is a child over 10 years old to care for them at home. The City Council is sorry for the inconvenience.” Our home phone shook with excitement as the ringing sound traveled through the house just as the radio message ended. Since we had a telephone in every bedroom, plus the kitchen and living room, my mother answered. “Hello? Hi Hayley! I’m doing great thanks, just heading out to work. You all must be so excited for your day off. Yeah? Lindsay’s here! She’s upstairs, oh okay, wait a sec. I’ll get her…”  “I got it, Mom!” I shouted from the hallway’s balcony that looked down on our kitchen and living room. I darted back into my room and picked up the phone. “Hey.” I said. “So, what do you want to do on our unexpected day off?’ Hayley said excitedly. “Sleep.” I answered as I plopped down on the bed and looked at the clock. “Hayley. It’s 6:45. Goodnight.” See, Hayley is my best friend, I mean, I can say anything to her and it’s all completely fine. “Lindsay! I have something important to -tell you.” Oh geez. “What is it?” I asked. “Okay great. Meet me at my house in 15 minutes. Bye!” She hung up. So when someone is your best friend, you sometimes just do what they say… Even if they insanely call you at 6 in the morning.

I glanced at the September dressing rules, it read;

September Apparel For Females Under 18 –

For informal occasions-

All girls should wear DRESSES with hems just above the knees (NO HIGHER) and sleeves that cover shoulders, but stop beneath. Dresses should be cinched just above hips.

Appropriate patterns for dresses are:

Ø  Solid

Ø  Flowers

Ø  Dots

Ø  Stripes

Ø  Gingham

Ø  Paisley

Ø  Plaid

These patterns may be worn in ALL colors. Girls MUST wear a cardigan or jean jacket outside AT ALL TIMES. Rain jackets should also be worn when expected to rain.

Girls under 8 should wear FLAT Mary-Jane-style shoes in black or white. Girls 9 and older may wear black or white ballet flats.

                The city published a new set of clothing rules each month, and we were expected to follow. I slipped on an emerald dress with small white dots, my jean jacket and my black flats. I looked in the mirror, I am petite, with light brown hair, blue eyes, and Ray-Ban-style black glasses. So after I decided that my outfit was worthy of Hayley’s approval, (she’s a serious fashionista, unlike me) I quickly rushed downstairs to get breakfast so I could catch the work bus to Hayley’s.

                In the kitchen, I find my family sitting around the table eating cereal. There’s my blonde and artistic mom, Lynn, and my brunette writer of a dad named Neal, my blonde 8 year old sports loving brother called Thomas, and my five year old brunette look-alike, Caroline. “Well,” my mother said, “I just called the Day Care and they’re all full. The kids are all yours Lindsay!” She began gathering her ID and wallet to put in her work bag. “What?” I exclaimed, frustrated. “But Mom! I’m going over to Hayley’s, remember?” She sighed, just remembering. “Well then who’s going to watch your brother and sister? We don’t have an extra mother, do we?” Ugh. “Exactly!” I said impatiently. “So why don’t we get one, huh? Oh right, I forgot… That’s me!” She looked hurt. “I’m sorry Mom. It’s just that Nathan never has to do anything, and I always have to give up my time to watch them!” I said, directing my glance to a distracted Caroline and a very confused Thomas. “Sorry, honey. I’ll get it worked out.” She said, a sort of ashamed look on her face. “Okay, great! Love you guys, see yuh!” Pulled a Hayley on that one.

Thanks again for reading! xx




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
new

Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:26 am
Posts: 5
Sat Oct 11, 2014 2:34 pm

Hi guys! It's me, again... was just looking through the novel write-it board and found my chapter and I realized I never gave any clarification on who "Nathan" was. Nathan is Lindsay's 13 year old brother who basically sleeps, eats and watches TV when he's not playing sports. 

Thanks! Bye :)




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
contributor

Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 3:27 pm
Posts: 829
Sun Oct 19, 2014 1:19 am

Hey!

I'm Jessie, and I REALLY liked your first chapter. I have a few comments for you, mostly from a grammatical/technical standpoint, and I'll be writing them in green!

 

I woke to the sound of the radio crackling in my room.

That is a FANTASTIC frist line. 

It had automatically turned on for the city message. “Good morning citizens! I am pleased to announce that due to the Learning Inspection Association’s visit to our schools this morning, school has been canceled for Tuesday, September 23. Those of you over 18 please remember that youmust go to work today, despite the children’s day off.  Please arrange Day Care for children under the age of 8, for it is against the city law for them to be home alone. If you do not or cannot register for Day Care make sure there is a child over 10 years old to care for them at home. The City Council is sorry for the inconvenience.”

You do a very good job establishing tone right off the bat with this announcement. Right away I thought The Giver, which is (I think) what you are going for, so GOOD ON YOU!

Make a new paragraph after the announcement is completed.

Our home phone shook with excitement as the ringing sound traveled through the house just as the radio message ended. Since we had a telephone in every bedroom, plus the kitchen and living room, (We don't really need this information to understand the rest of the scene. I'd recomend eliminating it.) my mother answered. “Hello? Hi Hayley! I’m doing great thanks, just heading out to work. You all must be so excited for your day off. Yeah? Lindsay’s here! She’s upstairs, oh okay, wait a sec. I’ll get her…”  (You need a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. It's very hard to get used to when you're writing, so I'm going demonstrate below.)

 

“I got it, Mom!” I shouted from the hallway’s balcony that looked down on our kitchen and living room.(We don't really need this detail to understand the scene. Maybe consider removing it.) I darted back into my room and picked up the phone. “Hey.” I said.

(New paragraph)

“So, what do you want to do on our unexpected day off?" Hayley said excitedly. 

(New paragraph)

“Sleep.” I answered as I plopped down on the bed and looked at the clock. “Hayley. It’s 6:45. Goodnight.” See, Hayley is my best friend, I mean, I can say anything to her and it’s all completely fine.

(New Paragraph)

“Lindsay! I have something important to -tell you.” Oh geez.

(New Paragraph)

 “What is it?” I asked.

(New Paragraph)

“Okay great. Meet me at my house in 15 minutes. Bye!” She hung up. So when someone is your best friend, you sometimes just do what they say… Even if they insanely call you at 6 in the morning.

(New Paragraph)

I glanced at the September dressing rules, it read;

September Apparel For Females Under 18 –

For informal occasions-

All girls should wear DRESSES with hems just above the knees (NO HIGHER) and sleeves that cover shoulders, but stop beneath. Dresses should be cinched just above hips.

Appropriate patterns for dresses are:

Ø  Solid

Ø  Flowers

Ø  Dots

Ø  Stripes

Ø  Gingham

Ø  Paisley

Ø  Plaid

These patterns may be worn in ALL colors. Girls MUST wear a cardigan or jean jacket outside AT ALL TIMES. Rain jackets should also be worn when expected to rain.

Girls under 8 should wear FLAT Mary-Jane-style shoes in black or white. Girls 9 and older may wear black or white ballet flats

THIS PART IS SO COOL! :D 

                The city published a new set of clothing rules each month, and we were expected to follow. I slipped on an emerald dress with small white dots, my jean jacket and my black flats. I looked in the mirror,(<<Characters looking into a mirrors and discribing themselves is considered a bit of a cleche. Try and find a different way to work a physical discrption into the story. Maybe she has an ID, or you could give another character a reason to discribe her) I am petite, with light brown hair, blue eyes, and Ray-Ban-style black glasses. So after I decided that my outfit was worthy of Hayley’s approval, --(she’s a serious fashionista, unlike me)--(<< Very good chracter development mixed with action. Try giving more discription this way. Also, try to use dashes "---" instead of parenthesis when writing prose.) I quickly rushed downstairs to get breakfast so I could catch the work bus to Hayley’s.

                In the kitchen, I find my family sitting around the table eating cereal. There’s my blonde and artistic mom, Lynn, and my brunette writer of a dad named Neal, my blonde 8 year old sports loving brother called Thomas, and my five year old brunette look-alike, Caroline. (It might be a better idea to par down the discriptions of your characters here. It's a little bit too much information to give your readers all at once)

(New Paragraph)

“Well,” my mother said, “I just called the Day Care and they’re all full. The kids are all yours Lindsay!” She began gathering her ID and wallet to put in her work bag.

(New Paragraph)

“What?” I exclaimed, frustrated. “But Mom! I’m going over to Hayley’s, remember?”

(New Paragraph)

She sighed, just remembering. “Well then who’s going to watch your brother and sister? We don’t have an extra mother, do we?” Ugh. 

(New Paragraph)

“Exactly!” I said impatiently. “So why don’t we get one, huh? Oh right, I forgot… That’s me!”

(New Paragraph)

She looked hurt. “I’m sorry Mom. It’s just that Nathan never has to do anything, and I always have to give up my time to watch them!” I said, directing my glance to a distracted Caroline and a very confused Thomas.(<<Very good!)

(New Paragraph)

“Sorry, honey. I’ll get it worked out.” She said, a sort of ashamed look on her face.

“Okay, great! Love you guys, see you!” Pulled a Hayley on that one

Your diologue at the end here was very believeable. 

Okay!

Over all, as I said, most of your issues came from techical problems you can very easily fixed! Most of the other issues are the same mistakes ALL writers make when they're just starting out, and you'll learn to avoid things like TMI discriptions and info-dumping as you write. I really hope you continue this!

Best wishes, 

Jess

 




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
new

Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:28 am
Posts: 12
Tue Oct 28, 2014 9:35 pm

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was awesome beyond belief!!!!laugh  I loved how you tied in The Giver (i love love love that book!) Overall it was so great. Thank you for posting this wonderful peice of artwork!

Keep up the great work!!!

-spiritedsoftball20-




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
new

Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:26 am
Posts: 5
Fri Oct 31, 2014 12:07 am

Hey Jess / greentea1398, 

You are so amazingly nice! I just want to hug you right now, seriously! Thank you so so so so much for the tips, you are very eloquent and I can tell from just your editing skills. Thank you for adressing my obvious infinate love of parentheses, because I had never thought of using dashes! I love your advice on my "info-dumping" and "TMI descriptions" because sometimes I just get really into the characters and just can't stop! 

Hugs!

E




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
new

Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 8:56 pm
Posts: 293
Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:40 pm

This was really good! Please continue writing this.




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
new

Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:26 am
Posts: 5
Sat Nov 22, 2014 6:35 pm

spiritedsoftball20 -

omg u r such a sweetheart, i just wanna be like, bestfriends with you seriously. thanks soooo much!

 




 Re: UNTITLED, first chapter - please read :)
contributor

Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2009 3:27 pm
Posts: 829
Wed Dec 03, 2014 1:16 am

I'm really glad my advice was helpful, E!

 




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