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   [ 5 posts ] Average score:  

Should I continue?
Yes 89%  89%  [ 8 ]
No 11%  11%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 9
Author Message
 Untitled story (Chapter One part one)

Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 7:06 pm
Posts: 1
Mon Jul 02, 2012 7:34 pm
When I was about five,my mother had the bright idea to drag me to what she thought was high class,expensive,academy for girls.She thought it would be a place of higher learning because of its expense.But what she did not know was that that was the schools cover.What it really was was an academy for spies. When I was nine,my mother died,not knowing if I was enjoying the ''higher learning'' experience,at the so called school. Flash forward to a few months after my twelfth birthday. ''Lauren Rogers,your first mission that you'll probably remember is today!'' I scoffed. ''I remember my first.When I was five'' ''Well ex-cuse me.'' Mindy,the head of the academy,scoffed. ''Mindy! Sarah Johnson is ready to go.So is five year old Lei Ming Hastune.'' I remember my first mission.I'm really good friends with Lei Ming,a little Chinese girl who came here because she was gifted and then when she learned it was a spy academy,she was very excited. She was tired of dress up. ''Lauren,go to the lobby.Sarah ad Lei Ming are on the same mission.'' I ran.Too fast. Just in time to see my mission buddies carried off by muscular men in serious looking suits. They turned and saw me. ''Grab her!'' I ran as fast as my legs could carry me,but they were faster. They got me.

 Re: Untitled story (Chapter One part one)

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:05 pm
Posts: 2
Sat Nov 03, 2012 7:27 pm
I like this.The diolouge,though,needs work.It doesn't make sense when they are talking,and it goes to fast.I love it up intill your start the diolouge.Also,it doesn't make much sense.The chinese girl thing is intersting,but isn't needed.You need more of a plot and some more flow.And whats up with them all of a sudden being carried off? See what I mean? You leave out key details that could help readers understand what is going on.If you want to continue,do it.In my eyes,you need to edit lots of this chapter part,or even start with editing of each part/chapter as you go.So I say continue,but its your choice.I would buy this book,but it needs major edits before it even gets published.

 Re: Untitled story (Chapter One part one)

Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 1056
Tue Nov 13, 2012 5:07 pm
Interesting idea, but needs some work. :) Specifically the dialogue. When a new person begins speaking, that starts a new paragraph. For example, instead of writing it like this:

"Lauren Rogers, your first mission that you'll probably remember is today!" I scoffed. "I remember my first. When I was five" "Well excuse me." Mindy, the head of the academy, scoffed.

Seperate each person's dialogue into paragraphs:

"Lauren Rogers, your first mission that you'll probably remember is today!"
I scoffed. "I remember my first. When I was five"
"Well excuse me." Mindy, the head of the academy scoffed.

If you don't do this, it can cause a good story to become very confusing. It's unfortunate when a reader can't figure out who is speaking when.

This is a good idea. If you can fix it up a bit, it could turn out to be a great story! :)


P.S. You can make paragraphs here on the boards by writing < b r > without the spaces.

 Re: Untitled story (Chapter One part one)

Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2012 6:28 pm
Posts: 21
Thu Dec 13, 2012 1:23 pm
You should work on the dialog, but otherwise it is great!

 Re: Untitled story (Chapter One part one)

Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2013 11:47 pm
Posts: 3
Sat Feb 09, 2013 3:50 pm
This is good. I like the story you have so far, but you are missing some things. First of all, it needs better structure. And I can see the picture your trying to paint for your readers or viewers. But the it needs more work so other people can see it more clearly. And last of all, you have things all over the place. Its like putting a puzzle together without knowing how its supposed to look. These few things will improve your story.

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