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   [ 6 posts ] Average score:  
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 Waiting For Hailey PROULOUGE
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2011 2:38 pm
Posts: 348
Wed Sep 21, 2011 4:48 pm
It seems the time it takes to get out of the time freeze is an enternity.Kinley and Solomon Amamder were standing in the crowded lisence branch in Chicago,Illinois.They had recived a call from there Aunt Shelly to come there,NOW.She was standing next to them.
 
''Ayander? Amadner?'' The jolly looking man at the counter called.Kinley nearly mistakend him for Santa Claus because he was wearing a red outfit,and he had the old fashioned Coca-Cola bottle in his hand.
 
The two girls and their Aunt walked up to the mans' counter.
 
''I recived a letter from'' The man squinted at the top of the paper. ''Jason Amander-Lee''
 
That was Uncle Jayo!
 
''Uh-Their parents were involed in a car accident.They both died.
 
Now Freeze.Why do the girls have these names in 2006? Their Parents loved the created names.Kinley was Really Kaylor,and Solomon was just plain Sarah.The names they were called were brought down from their ansestors.
 
Back to Reality.
 
''WHAT!'' screamed Solomon.
 
The man shooed them away.
 
''Girls.Lets go to your house,each pack a backpack and suitcase,and bring them down.I can't take care of you.Grandma Sarah needs my help.''
 
We are on our own now?
 
They did the same thing Aunt Shelly had told them,and stepped out into a perfect breeze.
 
To a new life looking for a home,food,but most importanly,
 
Love.



 Re: Waiting For Hailey PROULOUGE

Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2011 5:05 pm
Posts: 1
Thu Sep 22, 2011 5:15 pm
This Is Good,Good! But I didn't understand alot.There are many crash and burn endings,grammar and spelling erros,and the  weirder than life names.Strange last names also.
 
I think you could continue with this if you read it throught and posted an edited version,maybe completly diferent.
 
 
Best Smiles,
 
              your fellow stacks person
                                                            The reviewer
 
          Peace Beliver
Panda,Turtle,Dog,Animal Lover
 
Emily



 Re: Waiting For Hailey PROULOUGE
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:57 am
Um.... OK. I'd not do that bit in the middle where you break off to explain the names. Try to put that in with the actual story somewhere. Also, slow it down. More detail. More storyline. Introduce us to your characters.
The last sentence was well done.

"In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart."
-- Anne Frank

Kira



 Re: Waiting For Hailey PROULOUGE
regular_visitor

Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:35 pm
Posts: 198
Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:25 pm
This is good, It's pretty short, but it's just a prolouge. I'm not exacly sure that modern day kids would just be dumped onto the street to fend for theirselves, but hey, you never know. You really could turn this into somthing good, and I cant wait to keep reading! :smileyhappy:
writergal

"Peace, That means, SEE YOU LATER!"

Planet 51




 Re: Waiting For Hailey PROULOUGE
new

Joined: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:58 pm
Posts: 122
Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:37 pm
Plot is ok can you explain a little bit more. Happy Summer, catbrain205



 Re: Waiting For Hailey PROULOUGE
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Fri Dec 25, 2009 9:19 pm
Posts: 452
Mon Aug 19, 2013 5:21 pm
I would suggest reading the prologue over again and posting an edited version because there were lots of grammatical errors that need to be fixed. Also, I agree with dolphin writer, the freeze part should probably be mentioned somewhere in the book not just stopping in the middle of the prologue and mentioning it. ~Ella



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