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Author Message
 What's Left Unsaid
regular_visitor

Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:51 pm
Posts: 179
Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:37 pm
I was sitting in the classroom, brushing the dried clay off the sleeves of my long-sleeved shirt. I glanced up at the clock and sighed deeply. Another ten minutes of class wasted by Alex's talking. I looked over at him talking to Sylvia. Why won't he just shut up? And why is he so into her? What's so special about Sylvia anyway?
Alex looks over at me and smiles. I give him my famous look that's telling him to shut his mouth. Amazingly, he gets the message, and even more amazingly, listens to it.
Mr. C looks over at Tanazz, who won't shut up either. So many similarities in Tanazz and Alex. Apparently, Mr. C was on his last straw. Tanazz was sent to the back of the room to sit next to Yvonne, who for anyone, was a real punishment to sit by.
''Can I sit next to Katie?'' Alex asks.
''No,'' Mr. C answered absentmindedly.
''But I'll-''
''What don't you understand about no?'' Mr. C finally lost it.
Eventually, the teacher explains what we're to do today, and says if we needed to, we could share paint cans.
As I got my paint, Alex walked over to me. ''Can I work with you, Katie?'' he asked.
''I don't care,'' I said. He's awesome, and it is so much better than sitting alone and watching him and Sylvia have fun the entire class period.
We sat down with our can of paint. ''So,'' he said. ''What's up?''
I shrugged. ''Nothing much. How about you?''
He shrugged. ''Nothin' much.''
We sat in silence for a few minutes. Sitting with him isn't supposed to be this awkward.
''Colts or Saints?'' I asked randomly.
He thought for a minute. ''Colts,'' he finally answered. ''They should have won the Super Bowl.''
''They were ahead until the 3rd quarter. Than their defense got a little careless.''
We continued talking about football.
''Why'd you choose blue and orange?'' Alex asked, glancing at my picture.
''Because I love the way the two compliment each other,'' I explained. I looked up at him. ''Why'd you choose them?''
He smiled sweetly at me. ''Because yellow and purple are vikings colours, and orange is my favorite colour.''
''It's my second favorite. Blue is my first,'' I said, smiling back.
He started laughing. ''Blue's my second favorite colour!'' he said.
I started laughing too. I have no idea why those sentences were so funny, or why he had even brought the topic up, but I didn't care. I was having a wonderful time.
He stopped laughing abruptly, and he looked at me, his face solumn.
''What?'' I asked, worried that I had done something wrong to ruin the best moment of my life.
Alex stuttered, as if looking for the right words to say. ''Um, I was wondering-''
''Time to clean up!'' Mr C's voice boomed from the front of the room.
Alex started cleaning up the paint.
''What were you going to ask me?'' I asked.
He stared at me for a second, before replying, ''Nevermind. I'll tell you later.'' He hurried away right after saying that.
I stared after him and sighed, for the second time that period. Actions speak louder than words. And so do the things left unsaid. And your heart.
And I knew what my heart was saying.
 
This happened today with one of my guy friends. We're really close and we love to joke around a lot. But lately, things have seemed to be getting awkward...

Message Edited by Write_It_Moderator on 04-11-2010 05:08 PM




 Re: What's Left Unsaid
N/A

Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:22 pm
Posts: 3690
Mon Apr 12, 2010 8:24 pm
  Yeah, my guy friends seem like they're getting...weird. Not weird-weird, but like lovey-dovey weird...I think some of them like me? I dunno... Oh, yeah I liked the, "What don't you understand about no?" thing. It was HILARIOUS!!!!!! Yup, byeeee!!!!!
               Everyone deserves to cry
       
-Teresa



 Re: What's Left Unsaid
special_guest

Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:42 pm
Posts: 478
Wed Aug 04, 2010 4:07 pm
Hi Crazydog, thanks for posting this! You've done a good job of recreating the classroom atmosphere, and making us feel the awkwardness/anticipation of whatever weirdness is creeping into this friendship. I love that friendship-but-fuzzy stage - you never know quite what's coming next but finding out becomes more and more exciting. :)

Watch the tense changes. You go back and forth between past ("I was sitting") and present ("Alex looks over") and back to past ("As I got my paint"). I kind of like the present tense - keeps things very immediate - but whichever you pick, you should stick with it.

Instead of, "So many similarities in Tanazz and Alex," try saying something like, "Tanazz and Alex could be so similar sometimes."

Try to avoid passive voice; instead of "Tanazz was sent back...," make the sentence active by saying who did the action: "Mr. C sent Tanazz back..."

Why is it a punishment to sit with Yvonne? You do a good job of giving us glimpses of other characters' personalities, like Mr. C - could you give us a little more about Yvonne? I find myself curious. :)

Maybe after you tell Alex, "I don't care," you could give us a transition into "He's awesome" - something like, "Right..." or "Of course I care." It's clear enough what you mean, but I think the tone needs more of a transition.

"Solumn" should be "solemn."

"Nevermind" should be two words: "Never mind."

There seem to be quite a few "and's" in a row at the end. I'd try just starting those sentences with "so," at least until the last sentence:
"Actions speak louder than words. So do the things left unsaid. So does your heart.
And I knew what my heart was saying."

Keep writing and posting!
Jessica



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