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   [ 10 posts ] Average score:  
Author Message
 Re: When I got the phone call

Joined: Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:55 pm
Posts: 33
Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:06 pm
Wow Emily. Really great job. I totally sympathesized with you when you talked about how Jessica was killed. You have truly mastered "show not tell"; I could totally imagine going to a high school and having that happen to me. Nice job. The only things I have to say are that you don't need that little blurb at the beginning explaining who people are, that's exemplified in your writing. Also, you may want to double check your grammar because I think you messed up once or twice, but I'm not sure where.
 
-chelshinkat



 Re: When I got the phone call

Joined: Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:55 pm
Posts: 33
Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:07 pm
Hey again. oh yea...you may want to make your intro as riveting as the rest of the story...can't give you specific advice right now, but I'll post a sheet my teacher gave me about opening lines on the ''general discussion" board asap, okay?
 
-chelshinkat



 Re: When I got the phone call
visitor

Joined: Thu May 15, 2008 11:44 pm
Posts: 72
Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:00 pm
Omg, I am so sorry. Finding out that two of your very close friends just died must have been really hard for you. But don't worry, your loss will help you grow stronger. Jessica and Kayloni may not be living any longer, but they're still very much alive in your heart. Never forget them and they will always be right beside you, watching you as guardian angels. :smileyhappy:



 Re: When I got the phone call
special_guest

Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:42 pm
Posts: 478
Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:03 pm
Dear Emily,

Thanks for sharing this painful memory with us. First of all I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss - I can't imagine losing a friend in a car accident. You're writing from your heart here, making this memoir not only well-written but poignant and emotional.

I agree with chelsinkat about the introductory comments being unnecessary; they detract from the memoir itself. If there's information in the intro that you haven't included in the memoir but that you think it's important for us to know, like the fact that Jessica and Kayloni are older than you, incorporate it in the narrative itself.

'Laying' is what chickens to do eggs. You were 'lying' on your bed. (Confusing, I know.) 'Lay' is the past tense of 'lie' - I lie on my bed now; I lay on my bed yesterday. When you add -ing to 'lay,' it means you are/were putting something down, like eggs or a tablecloth.

I think that explaining which screen name is which and then giving them throughout the conversation is distracting. It slows the beginning down a little. I like that you've included the txt conversation - it gives some variety to the dialogue - but try using just your normal names.

I'd combine the two sentences about getting dressed like this: 'I pulled on a pair of jeans and a baby blue tank.'

You say that the trip to school was hard, but never specify how you were traveling. I'm assuming you walked? Maybe you should say that the walk to school was hard. (Or arduous, if you want to be more colorful than 'hard.')

The last three paragraphs especially are very well-written. You've done a great job of presenting the exact moment of the phone call, contrasting the seriousness of the news with the shouts and cheers all around you. The last sentence was well-chosen; you have ended not with information but with emotion, fading out on a note of grief.

Thank you again for posting this, Emily. I hope to see more!
Jessica



 Re: When I got the phone call

Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:41 pm
Posts: 21
Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:05 pm
wow, that's really sad.  i feel bad for you, first your one friend dies, and then your other friend is in critical condition,  i hope that you are ok, and like someone else said, (im not sure who), they are living on through your memories of them, and they will always be there as a guardian angel.



 Re: When I got the phone call
regular_contributor

Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2009 11:56 am
Posts: 4314
Sat Oct 10, 2009 12:32 pm
I am very sorry about your loss. I can't even imagine what it's like to feel that way. Let me edit this for you!
 

(You didn't need this up here) PS. The bold, parenthisized, and colored sentances are what I edited.

       I was laying lying (Chickens lay. People lie) on my bed when my cell phone started to vibrate. I had a txt message. It was Lyndsay, one of my three best friends. (You don't need the info about who is who if you add the names of yourselves in the text)

   softballhunny17- hey, Em (This tells who is who) what are you doing tonight?

   fastpitchchick44- just hanging around the house. why, Lynsay (So does this)?

   softballhunny17- i wanted to see if you wanted to go to a basketball game

   fastpitchchick44- what time is it at (When you say "What time is it", it sounds like you're asking what time it is right now and not what time the game is)?

   softballhunny17- 7:00pm...its at the high school

   fastpitchchick44- im coming

   softballhunny17- see you there!

 

   I fliped my phone shut and jumped up off my bed. I pulled on a pair of jeans and (Splitting the sentances apart sounded choppy) for a top I a chose a baby-blue tank. I checked the clock. 6:43. I decided that I should leave. My two brothers, Michael and David, were out at a party and my parents were at some sort of dinner. I left a note on the kitchen counter so they wouldn't worry when they got home.

   When I stepped outside I got a surprise. It was snowing! The trip to the high (Two words, not one)school was long and hard. When I reached the doors of the school, I walked inside and saw Lyndsay standing by the doors to the gym. I called her name and she smiled at me. We took our seats behind the team and cheered for the next hour.

     Over all the noise, I barely heard my cell phone ring. I picked it up and had to shout over the roar of the crowd, "Hello?" The voice that answered, I soon realized, was crying. It said, "Em-Emily? Where are you?" It was my brother. I panicked, "At a basketball game! Why? Whats wrong?"

    There was more crying and I heard him manage out, "Kayloni and Jessica!" His voice was weak and forced. I yelled into the phone, "What about them!?" Now Lyndsay was looking at me. She seemed to know that something was wrong. Then my brother said, "They were in a car crash. Kayloni was driving and a semi truck hit them. Kayloni is in the hospital in critical condition. Jessica....didnt make it."

     Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't talk or move. My phone fell out of my hand and hit the floor as a trembled(Gives more meaning). It smashed to pieces but I didnt care. Lyndsay now had ahold of my shoulders and was saying, "What's wrong?" I told her what happened and we fell into each others arms and cried. Life would never be the same again. Not without Jessica. Not with Kayloni clinging to life in the hospital. Even after the game ended and the stadium emptied, Lyndsay and I remained. And we cried and cried.




 Re: When I got the phone call
contributor

Joined: Sat Jul 18, 2009 7:44 pm
Posts: 1534
Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:51 pm
That was a great but sad story! i am really sorry about what happened. :(

Hannah



 Re: When I got the phone call
contributor

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:05 pm
Posts: 858
Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:47 pm
That was amazing.... so sad...



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