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Author Message
 Why?
new

Joined: Thu Jun 05, 2014 4:44 pm
Posts: 2
Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:38 pm

Chapter 1-   "Lakeshia,look at this."says my mother and has me the newspaper. I read the article  and said "Who cares?". I knew I shouldn't have said that, but it's just about a pizza store near us that is closing. To me that is the thirty seconds I have just wasted. "When in this bright-sided world have you had the time to say that unkind sentence to me?"my mother asked sternly. I looked down on the hardwood floor feeling tears trying to burst out of my eyes. "I am sorry mother",I said and I excused myself from the room.I keep asking myself, "Why am I like this? I just cannot seem to control myself of my attitude. But I am left no choice but to deal with the world around me. The only thing that comforts me is sitting in my room,worrying about my life.




 Re: Why?
frequent_contributor

Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:51 pm
Posts: 7835
Tue Jun 17, 2014 3:35 am

This is good in the sense that we get the character some, but you definitely need a double check on your grammar, and way more paragraphs! smiley Look up how to form dialogue and that should really help for you. Also, allow more breathing room in your writing -- more detail and description to give space between actions and words.

I also would like a slightly more definite sense of what the overall plot is going to be. You need to hook readers in right off! If the conflict is going to focus a lot on her mother or the pizza place, be sure to emphasize that.

Nice start! smiley

Kira

Unofficial Adult Advisor for Write It!




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