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   [ 14 posts ] Average score:  
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 Write!

Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2007 8:39 pm
Posts: 16
Sun Jun 17, 2007 11:05 pm
I want to know something funny, sad, boring, mad! Tell me about something that has happened in you life that you want to share!



 Re: Write!
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 10:49 pm
Posts: 740
Fri Jun 22, 2007 7:04 pm
This is crude and en-edited, but I would appreciate your opinion!

Almost A First Love

I sat down on the bus, towards the front. I was the new kid. Where else was I supposed to sit? The girl I met over summer, the one who started crying during the water balloon fight was sitting in the back with the rest of the fifth graders. What was her name again?….Oh yeah, Michelle. So, Michelle was back they’re having fun with kids our age, and I was stuck with kindergartners. So much fun. Or not. Anyway, so, I was sitting up there all alone when Michelle cried out, “Hey Amanda, come back here and sit with us!” So I did. Michelle introduced me to the other two fifth graders on the bus. Both were guys and their names were Derek and Drew. Instantly we all became the best of the friends and had fun playing games on the bus such as Rock, Paper Scissors Slap (which happens to be very painful when playing it with a strong guy). Another named Kirsten soon joined our circle of friendship, and that year was the best ever…
I was leaving Michelle’s house; it was about to rain and I had to ride my bike home. “ Just tell me!” she cried, her eyes pleading. “I won’t tell anyone or laugh at you!”
“Well, all right,” said I, being naïve. And with that, I whispered the name of my first crush in her ear…
My twelfth birthday was interesting, especially the part celebrated at school. My friends went up to “him” and mobbed him until he agreed to ask me out. I was angry with them for being so crude and rude, but still excited at the prospect of maybe going out with my crush, whom I was convinced I was in love with. He never asked me out…
Sitting at lunch one day, “he” and his friends sat down next to my friends and I and burst out laughing. They proceeded to make fun of me, telling me I looked like a swordfish and laughing hysterically. I grew angry and called him a shallow two-faced liar and stood up and walked away. He and his friends later came up and apologized, assuring me that I didn’t look like a swordfish. I was in love again…. (Maybe)
Then came the day when I realized that I never liked him like that, and I certainly didn’t love him. We were just friends again, and things went back to almost normal. Almost, we don’t hang out as much and things are tense. I think he suspects me of still having a crush on him. Like that could ever happen! I’m happier than ever, because I don’t love him and never did. So in your face, Drew!



 Re: Write!
writeit_panelist

Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 9:10 pm
Posts: 293
Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:24 pm
Hi HorseGal54,

Thanks for posting this as a response to AnimeLover14's "Write!" post.

You mentioned that your writing here isn't polished yet, so I assume you're looking for more substance-based feedback at this point. First of all, I really like how the identity of your first crush is kept secret from the reader until the end, at which point we discover it is someone we've already "met," if only briefly.

You also started the story off very well, putting us right back in that awkward "new kid on the school bus" place, but this first "scene" or "vignette" is noticeably shorter than the others, and this makes the rest of them feel too short to the reader. In most cases, if the first scene was going to be a different lenghth than the others, it would make more sense for it to be shorter, since those events happened years prior to the ones that we are told about next.

On a related note, I feel you should let us know how old you are in every segment of your piece. We know you're in the fifth grade at the very beginning, and that you're twelve when your friends pressure "him" into asking you out, but without any other information I found myself assuming that you were around that age -- eleven, twelve, or maybe thirteen -- from the time you told Michelle who you liked up until the time you realized you didn't like him that way anymore. (If this is the case, I would suggest leaving out some of the ellipsis punctuation marks, since they seem to indicate long passages of time.)

I couldn't help but feel it would have been fun if some examples of your feelings, and what led to them, were included. For example, you could describe "his" cute curly brown hair at the point where you're still feeling all lovey-dovey and making google eyes at "him," and then comment -- just before, or just after, you've gotten over your infatuation -- that his hair seemed cute then, but if he doesn't get a haircut soon someone will mistake him for a girl. You should also spend more time emphasizing the resulting awkwardness between you two, since I'm sure 99% of your readers here will be able to identify with that somewhat!

Finally, is Derek his real name? . . . Because it might be nice of you to change the name in the story, if it is. :)

Thanks again for posting!

Diona



 Re: Write!

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 5:39 pm
Posts: 4
Mon Jun 25, 2007 10:33 pm
This is a funny story.

So one day when I was going to go to Switzerland I was in an airport. I was walking and talking to my brother and I was totally oblivious to everything around me. Then, all of a sudden, I slam right into a big cement pillar.It was so funny!
My parents were talking about it for days.

Another funny event happened when I was in Aruba in March (I go to lots of different places on vacation). So I was snorkeling at Baby beach and I was in this really large reef. It was so kool to have fish swimming all around me. Then I saw waves crashing in the distance meaning that the coral got really close to the surface. So I sort of freaked out and started swimming towards shore. I kept swimming and swimming and I was thinking that the coral was really high and than I was really far away from shore. Then I though, wait a minute, I can stand up. It turned out that was swimming in water that was 6 in. deep. I can't believe how stupid I felt.

So there are some of my stupid and funny moments. I hope you enjoy them!



 Re: Write!

Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2007 11:27 am
Posts: 2
Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:43 am
Thanks Diona for your great coments! His real name is not mentioned, all were changed. 8)



 Re: Write!
frequent_vsitor

Joined: Wed May 30, 2007 10:49 pm
Posts: 740
Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:45 am
I changed all of the names in my story just in case someone came on here who happens to be in it....Anyway, thanks for the great comments!!!! I am in the process of revising!!

horsegal_54



 Re: Write!
contributor

Joined: Tue Jun 26, 2007 1:12 pm
Posts: 590
Thu Jul 12, 2007 10:54 pm


_animelover14_ wrote:
I want to know something funny, sad, boring, mad! Tell me about something that has happened in you life that you want to share!

I'll tell you something that happened to me and my bros and sis. it's sad and mad. Here gose:
The Shock......of my mother
  I was at my causin's house and it was a school night, i just came from Soccer praticed, and  i was wandering why was my mom so late to pick me up, it was around 5 somthing, and i was waiting. I knew she would be a little late cause last night she had went to the hopsital as soon as she came home. She told me to start the dryer, and looked realy tired. When i came back, one of my older casins who could drive was backing out the drive through at the front house.
 I noticed my mom's silver cell phone, thinking she might had forgoten it, i picked it up and dashed over to the red truck, my mom was with them in the front seat, they were taking her.I cried." Wait, you forgot youcell phone!" the truck stopped as i came forward. My mom was really looking sick. I sretched out my hand and hold out the phone, so she could take it.
 She shook her head, and said" go recharge it, i'll be back soon..."
 I only nodded, and said" aye' right( thats how i say alright, but i barly notice that 'till my family pointed out to me a few weeks ago) bye mommy..." (every one says mommy even at the age of 16, and i was 13, every kid, boy or girl, calls their mom mama or mommy, and their dad either dady, or papa,no matter what age) i waved at her good bye" I love you, see you!"
 She nodded and mouthed what looked like' i love you, too.'
 I really wasn;t worry as i sat on my one of my causin's couch, waiting for her to pick me up. Really, i wasn't worry, happy really. My dad had came from the hopsitl a few weeks ago, just in time for chistmas or after chismas, i'm not sure. hed had been on life surpport for two months, coming in and out, but had to stay for real this time. They were saying he was going to die, but when chistmas came he was home but still tire. And now it was Jan 11, 2007, 5 something.
  Both my mom and dad had always, always come in and out the hoptsil, so i wasn't worry this time, boy i was wrong.
  Instead my tia, aunt, came with my older bro, little bro, and little sis, getting ready to go visit my mom, but my aunt was acting weird. She couldn't find the hopstil my mom was at and at 6 something we found it.  But when we got out, my grandpa came out the budy and took my brother for a walk, weird, right when we're about to visit my mom, i only thought he might be giving mony to him, like always.
  When we entered, my aunt was crying was whispering to the nurses, pointing at us. Than, we got to the floor my mom was at. My brother was there, crying, along with my grandpa, and my aunt who was with us. Was happened next was unexspected, my tia Maria, who makes big bucks was there with her husband,  crying. They took me, my 6 year old baby brother, my 11 year old little sis, aside and told us something i could never forget.
" Your mom die,,,,,"
I burst out saying they were a bunch of liers, i couldn't belive it, they said the same thing about my dad only a few weeks ago, and he barly lived.But they shook my head and told me again, "Your mama is dead"
My little sis was already crying, my baby brother confused......we went to see our mom, and begin to cry...
  Two weeks later they serpated us, my bro with one of my aunt, amd me and my sis with tia Maria...and my baby bro was to say with my dad for a little while longer. we went to new schools, which i already hated, but we had a better life....And soon my dad will be next in a few months to come. I promised my selfafter the furnul, i wouldn't cry ever again 'till my dad died....
Jan 11, 2007, was my mother's death.... I was the last of her four children to see, waving at her, saying "i Love you" and with the cell still wodering, if my mom knew she was going to die...
 
Now July 12,2007, seven months later....
 
My true story....
Xepher

 



 Re: Write!
contributor

Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:05 pm
Posts: 1018
Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:50 am
that must've been really hard. i couldn't live without my mom.



 Re: Write!
contributor

Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2007 1:31 pm
Posts: 716
Sun Aug 26, 2007 2:49 pm
Im sorry for your loss.If theres anything i can do just tell me.It may not be much but still.
 
 
Just tell me.
 
 
 
 
     Love Is The Water Of Life,Drink Deeply
 
 

 Your Best Friend.
  
 
 
 
 
        



 Re: Write!
frequent_contributor

Joined: Sun Mar 11, 2007 1:41 am
Posts: 5488
Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:42 am
Um. . Idk. We're off for Thanksgiving break, for one whole week. I can't wait till we get back to school because I have new electives and I can't wait to take them



 Re: Write!

Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:10 pm
Posts: 26
Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:23 pm
I am on spring break and cannot wait to get back to school.  I will be trying out for lacrosse after school so wish me luck. P.S. It's my first time playing.



 Re: Write!
regular_visitor

Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:58 pm
Posts: 289
Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:33 am
They split you up! I hate the system! It's really messed up.
                     Sorry for your loss . . .



 Re: Write!
visitor

Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:22 pm
Posts: 66
Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:39 pm
I want to share the time when my grandmother came over for Thanksgiving at my house. It was tricky because she had to climb steep stairs to get up. It's something I'll always want to remeber because it was just my family and grandmother (and aunt) and that my grandmother can't visit us anymore.



 Re: Write!
regular_visitor

Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:45 pm
Posts: 181
Thu May 13, 2010 8:17 pm
I'mabout to cry,man. I am SOOO sorry. I would hate it if my mom died. My dad died when I was 6 weeks old. Why did your mom die?



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